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Original poster

Teenagers, ageing parents and menopause

34 replies

everythingisgoingup · 09/07/2023 19:26

I have teenagers (aged 18 and 15) and ageing parents and I am exhausted!

All the mental drama of teens and the beginning of requests from my parents

I am an only child and just as the kids are becoming more independent, my parents are filling the gap 😱

I know that there have been threads before but I just want out, I want a life.

I feel like I am stuck in the expectation of others to be the carer☹️

I am starting to 'nag' (ask for help) but no-one is listening.

Selfish parents and selfish teens 😡

Anyone else?

OP posts:
Bellie99 · 09/07/2023 20:35

Are you me?
I am in almost identical situation - only child with two teens and parents that are becoming increasingly needy.

I am trying to draw the boundaries. I booked first holiday yesterday since pre-Covid for me and DP only as otherwise I can see that we will not get any time to ourselves ever.

It takes lots of planning though which kind of sucks the fun out of it...

I miss my spontaneous life!

Original poster
everythingisgoingup · 09/07/2023 21:10

Bellie99
Thanks for replying, awful isn't it?

I keep saying to my husband' I don't want to be doing this any more' ☹️

It seems never ending, the emotional drama, it is like pouring from an empty jug 🥹

OP posts:
noctiscaelum · 09/07/2023 21:18

I think the parents are kind of things we just have to accept, unless they are demanding something unreasonable. They cared for us. So it's our turn to care for them, if they really need it. On the other hand, teen is different. They should be able to deal with their needs, as well as helping their parents. So, if you are struggling, maybe you should ask the help from your kids too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Menopause Women's health
Original poster
everythingisgoingup · 09/07/2023 21:24

What if your parents did not really look after you or show/showed very little interest in the teens (grandkids). Are we obligated then?

OP posts:
SueVineer · 09/07/2023 21:29

everythingisgoingup · 09/07/2023 21:24

What if your parents did not really look after you or show/showed very little interest in the teens (grandkids). Are we obligated then?

That’s the circumstances Iam in. I really think not but I feel obligated

Emmenelle · 09/07/2023 21:31

Christ, literally could of written this - can we also Chuck in ' demanding full time job' too, for good measure?

ChaliceinWonderland · 09/07/2023 21:33

Are you me . ? single parent, mid 50s, 2 teen boys and aged parents. There's no fun, I can't even date!

noctiscaelum · 09/07/2023 21:34

everythingisgoingup · 09/07/2023 21:24

What if your parents did not really look after you or show/showed very little interest in the teens (grandkids). Are we obligated then?

Well then, it's totally up to you. You don't owe them anything. You can be a nice person and forget about past and do what you can. I think I wouldn't in that case. I will think of me as a priority. If they neglected their responsibility as a parent, then they don't deserve your care.

RoseJam · 09/07/2023 21:35

I hear you. Sometimes, it is very unfair as my teens and parents seem to have plenty of time to do things for themselves and enjoy life, but I am emotionally exhausted, especially as I work too.

However, my priority is my teens. Whilst they are independent in some respects, they need a lot of emotional support. There is a lot to navigate for teens such as friendships, relationships, first sexual relationships, academic pressures, and developing their self-identity and worth, to name a few!

I do find it easier to say no to my parents and offer other solutions - mainly because when my dc were younger, they barely helped me apart from dire emergencies.

Ginola2345 · 09/07/2023 21:37

Sorry to hear this OP. What help are your parents asking for and could they maybe pay for some of the help to ease the burden on you? If say lifts - could they maybe get a taxi sometimes, if food shopping could you show them how to order online, maybe get prescriptions delivered, pay for a gardener if gardening, or a cleaner if requests to clean etc etc. Could they possibly downsize so the house is easier to maintain and or maybe move closer to you whilst not being on top of you if you also have to travel to provide support etc. If they are elderly or if one of them is in poor health they could maybe claim benefits to help with financial costs i.e. attendance allowance or carers allowance.

They may be reluctant to pay for support but if they pay for some you will be less tired and your visits will be less tense and more enjoyable for you and them as you will have more time to relax and chat.

You have to take care of you and don’t get sucked into the guilt.

My poor cousin was in the same position as you her brother was killed by a drunk driver in his twenties. She was devastated as they we’re really close. She supported both her parents. Two years ago she found her dad dead in bed and her mum had dementia and was in a car home for years with no quality of life and she was her only visitor meanwhile she had two teen boys who were handwork in different ways and her husband was a good provider but unsupportive. Her mum has died in the last couple of months, her sons are in their twenties now but both still at home and both inconsiderate and now her husband has suggested his parents from overseas can’t manage and it would be a good idea for them to live with them. She has said if that happens I am leaving.

Original poster
everythingisgoingup · 09/07/2023 21:47

RoseJam
Dad is physically frail, Mum less so but does not want to do finance, Dad does this but is struggling.

I feel responsible but come home to teens demanding emotional support and think blimey is this it?

When do I get to think about me ?Do what I want?

Parents could not have cared less when my children were younger, they moved closer but did very little (think weeks without seeing us )

I see these two old folk that need help but don't really want to ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
everythingisgoingup · 09/07/2023 21:53

Thanks Ginola2345

OP posts:
Hopelesslydevotedtoshrews · 09/07/2023 21:56

I hear you OP. I've decided gap years are definitely a good thing and wondering if taking one 30 years after my peers did is doable. 🍷🍷🍷

RoseJam · 09/07/2023 22:09

It is really important to make space for yourself in order to help support others.

I find my parents can be difficult in that sometimes even though there is external help (eg prescription delivery, can easily afford taxis, cleaner, gardener etc), they would rather refuse the external help and prefer me to do it. Similarly, if I did a weekly shop for them, they would prefer me to do one every day - and go to several different shops to get preferred supermarket brands for different food stuff (CRAZY!). I also found even though I did stuff for them, they frequently complained or arranged appointments with no regard to commitments that I had.

I found the only thing worked was to be firm with my boundaries, otherwise I was harbouring deep resentment and unhappiness.

Strangely enough, I have learnt from my teens who are very good at saying things like - that is not acceptable to me, I would love to, but can't/unable to, or I am emotionally wrought out and struggling mentally etc - that I am allowed to, and can use the same phrases. I honestly think that if I am to give anyone my time or help - whether they are family or friends - I will do so because I WANT to, and without any expectation of getting anything in return. And because I want this intention, it is OK to say no.

dreamonlucid · 09/07/2023 22:24

Same position here.

I feel poo hormones, periods all over the place - running a business with staff demands and worry's about profits, main breadwinner.

Then teens ages 19 & 16 lovely but they need me.

My lovely mum alone bloody miles away and I don't have anyone else to help, so weekends spent visiting and generally looking out for her.

And the DH who try's his best but is bloody useless at organising anything.

All of the above are my choices but I'm so done, it's hard and I hear you.

Original poster
everythingisgoingup · 10/07/2023 06:58

I am exhausted and it is exhausting ☹️

Up again to start another week of the same 🥳

OP posts:
SierraSapphire · 10/07/2023 07:05

You absolutely have to set boundaries and I don't think you owe your parents anything, they may be getting older but they are still adults and they have other choices and it is not fair for you to give up your life for them. I'm in this position, too, but after years of it, I ended up with cancer with no risk factors other than the immense stress that I was under that can affect our immune systems. You need to rest and have things that are enjoyable in your life, I learned the hard way and now I set much better boundaries.

EdnaMole · 10/07/2023 07:53

I’m the same. Lost my mum five years ago after a dreadful six year battle with dementia including her being sectioned for a while for violent behaviour. Moved disabled dad 150 miles to be near me to help him. 15 year old daughter with all the teen traumas. Now husbands parents both needing lots of support (again, dementia with one and physical limitations with the other) which has meant for the last year he’s been over at theirs every weekend as they are an hour away and have had some huge problems recently. Now starting the ball rolling to get them moved nearer.

im just exhausted with it all. Throw in the menopause and a teaching career (thankfully part time just now) and I am just a spent force….
I feel I am a very boring friend to have around too as my conversation tends to be “old people dramas” and it all gets very bleak.
I’d love a weekend off….
As an only child it’s always on me and there is always something to be done/sorted/seen to…

StarchySturgess1 · 10/07/2023 08:11

They cared for us. So it's our turn to care for them, if they really need it.

Don't get suckered into this for a start. Your parents didn't (or shouldn't) have had you as some kind of insurance policy of being looked after as they get old. Parenting is not a method of banking favours for later in life.

ssd · 10/07/2023 08:32

I started the elderly parents section on mn around 14 years ago when i was at my wits end. I think its still under 'other stuff'. I had the scenario of young kids, elderly mum and siblings who were older than me and weren't interested in helping out. Or taking on the emotional load of seeing mum age, which was the hardest bit of all.

Op and others, you have my sympathies, i hope that section helps you.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 10/07/2023 08:40

Yep I feel ya. My journey is only just beginning, but with a 15yr old ND DD, parents in their 80s just starting to be more needy (who are talking about moving to my home town), a brother who lives hours away and has his own mental health issues (who is lovely but struggles with my parents for anything more than a day or 2), a full time job and in the throes of peri, I'm starting to struggle.

Comedycook · 10/07/2023 08:45

My own parents are dead so I won't have to deal with this issue...the world's shittest silver lining but I'll take it!

However my view on this issue is if your parents didn't do much for you during your adult years and for your kids, then you're not obligated to help them. If they'd gifted you a huge house deposit and looked after your DC so you could work, I'd be telling you to step up. If they were disinterested then I'd provide basic help so overseeing carers and helping them organise a cleaner for example. But that's about it.

dizzydizzydizzy · 10/07/2023 13:07

I am in a similar-ish position. It has made me
Ill. I have ME and anxiety, which has at times been severe. Both my GP and counsellor and various others have told me it's time to put myself first. So, This weekend, I am going to stay in a friend's empty flat - alone.

LaMaG · 10/07/2023 13:23

OP that sounds so tough. I'm not quite there, 1 teen and 2 younger but this last year we have had some pretty serious health scares for my Dad and MIL has a serious deteriorating condition. We have suddenly had a lot of "what happens if / when" conversations and the truth is I'm a bit depressed about what the next 10 years will hold for me. Parenthood has been such a struggle and its only this year that I feel I have a little bit of time for myself, but its all about to be snatched away again. Very depressing to contemplate.

Mary46 · 10/07/2023 13:42

Exhausted op too. Had years it. Now my mam. All about herself. We got told a duty to elderly. 80s. It gets no better. Keep your boundaries tight and expectations. The more you do too. Teens here too.