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Original poster

How many people actually 'hate' you?

66 replies

Quibble123 · 09/07/2023 14:48

I feel I have a disproportionate number of people who have cut me out of their lives, compared to most folk and I am trying to work out if I am the problem... I'm 41, have a very happy marriage, two kids, and good career. I've a small group of very good long-standing friendships. BUT I have several relationships in my life which have gone sour, including family such as my sil, where we are no longer on speaking terms. I spend a lot of time analysing and thinking about these relationships and have sought to repair them but often at a miss of what really went wrong. I was recently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD which I wonder if is part of it - may be I am just good at this stuff. I've never been good at small talk or people pleasing. I am fiercely loyal but also very honest - if someone asks me my opinion, I give it honestly, only realising after that most of the time people don't want your actual opinion. I know people find me hard work at parties etc as I am not good a frivolity and struggle with really busy places, but I love spending time with friends one to one or in a really small group on walks etc. I also know I can be intense and then quiet for months and really trying to address this. Two good friends in past 10 years have ghosted me - there was no real fight or disagreement, just suddenly they stopped contacting or replying. These two didn't know each other and the ghosting was completely separate, and it has really hurt me over the years, especially one of them who was bridesmaid at my wedding and I at hers. With her our lives drifted apart when we had children and her and her husband didn't want children - not a problem just life priorities and what we did changed so we saw each other less - then it just stopped in covid. I've tried following up after but always very short or cool replies, so ended up just leaving it. I have a troubled relationship with my sister - from my perspective because I think she is very manipulative of my parents, and a non-existence relationship with sil. Sil has a history of ghosting people and her and I had a falling out over an issue which I still stand by so I am not so sad about that relationship... but in short I suppose I am asking do others muddle through life always getting on with everyone or is it common to have these complex or ended/dead relationships. I wish friendships were like partner relationships, when they ended, you both agreed and it was final... the rest just complicates it all!

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 09/07/2023 15:46

A couple one decided I was responsible for reporting her to children's services (there were definitely grounds to and the school knew all about them) my ex because I raised our daughter without him my ex husband because our teen children are currently rejecting him (again he has good reasons nothing to do with me)

I dont think I'm an evil person who deserves to be hated I do just get on with my life regardless of other people's opinions and i can seem harsh sometimes but my life isn't the easiest and if you want to cut me off don't complain that I accept your decision I simply don't have the time or emotional energy to argue

PretendUsername · 09/07/2023 15:48

Everyone commenting that nobody hates them is kind of missing how this stuff works. Most of the time nobody actually tells you when they hate you. They bitch behind your back and distance themselves so you won't ever be aware of it. When relationships 'fizzle out' it may very well be that they hate you, you just don't realise it.

flurbubbly · 09/07/2023 15:54

In my personal life, I think one person. I used to be close friends with a very lovely gentle girl who sadly had bipolar disorder and experienced sporadic episodes of psychosis, but refused to take medication. Unfortunately she made some serious allegations against me while manic (basically that I reading her thoughts and forcing unwanted thoughts into her mind) and my company at the time had a mandatory policy to investigate all complaints, and I was put in a situation where I either had to make a statement stating that she was severely mentally ill, or my project would have been cancelled and about ten freelancers lose their job. It was very sad and I did apologise later but the damage was done.

I also had my mother's ex-boyfriend arrested for groping me, and later when she died I kicked him out of the house she owned but they both lived in (they broke up before she died due to him being abusive but he refused to leave). He definitely hates me with a passion.

Professionally is a different story. I used to work in a completely different industry then made a massive career change and tried to 'make it' as a creative in an extremely competitive field of the creative arts, and wound up being one of the very few who actually did 'make it' and now earn a living as a full-time artist and am starting to receive national recognition within my field. I know there are quite a few people in my creative arts field/aspiring to be in that field who dislike me - probably not to the point of hate - but I'm reasonably certain it's a mix of professional jealousy, the fact I'm very mouthy about calling out stuff like racism and sexism in my arts field, and the nature of this industry which is known to be hugely competitive and toxic and pit people against each other. I don't believe it's a reflection on me as a person because I worked in my old industry for more than a decade and was on good terms with everyone, not a single person I didn't get on with, and I didn't have a single conflict or falling out with anyone in more than ten years (then had about four major conflicts within like a year of being a professional artist, lol).

Backstreets · 09/07/2023 15:56

Hate is strong. There has been some intense dislike of course but it’s usually been mutual (and sometimes merited haha!).

bonzaitree · 09/07/2023 15:56

I’m with RuPaul on this one. “What other people think of me is not my business”

flurbubbly · 09/07/2023 15:58

Having said that there are definitely close friends who I thought were ghosting me, but it turned out they were just coping or not coping with serious shit in the personal lives. Especially since Covid. I think a lot of people just aren't coping with all the stuff that's happened over the past few years, and even quite close friendships accidentally fall by the wayside.

LubaLuca · 09/07/2023 15:59

I can only think of one, and I'm closely related to her. She'd do anything to hurt my feelings.

chohiad · 09/07/2023 15:59

No one I hope. I'm sure plenty of people don't like me but I can't think of any reason I've given to someone to make them hate me, but it's not something I'd bother giving much thought to.

baconcrisp · 09/07/2023 16:02

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

QueefQueen80s · 09/07/2023 16:03

The ones I know who are hated either have undiagnosed additional needs and have butted heads with people all their lives, or narcs, or stubborn people who react to everything. Like my mum.. lovely generous woman as a mum but has wars going on with all neighbours over little issues, fallen out with all family etc. I'm sure she is hated by many.
I have a friend who has loads of battles going on because she lets little things piss her off and she doesn't let things lie with then become long wars.. but as a friend and with people she likes she is ace.

Mutabiliss · 09/07/2023 16:05

I have one ex who definitely doesn't like me, but I don't like him either.

Other than that, can't think of anyone who would hate me. Plenty of people I don't like but I'm able to get on with anyone superficially.

UsingChangeofName · 09/07/2023 16:06

Hate ? None

'Cut me off' ? None

Dislike me ? I don't know. I suppose there will always be people you meet that don't take to you. I know for sure there are people I come across where the first impression they give, gives me no incentive to want to get to know them better. There would be no way of tracking that in terms of numbers. However, if you mean people that you once had a friendship with, or would normally expect to have a relationship with (so family, for example), that dislike me, again, I'd probably say none.

Timeturnerplease · 09/07/2023 16:07

My brother hates me because I fell out with his mum (my stepmum), and she died of cancer a few years later. I think he would always have cut me out anyway - I work in the public sector and my husband is in the trades. We’re not his kind of people anyhow.

I think most other people like me, so I can live with this.

Slowlivingiwish · 09/07/2023 16:09

I don't hate anyone. And nobody hates me (I've never been ghosted or NC-ed)

However I do know someone who is NC with most of her ex colleagues and family. All ex neighbours and many people from our local area. The problem is definitely her but she refuses to admit fault. It's such a shame.

Good on you for trying to learn about yourself :)

thecatsthecats · 09/07/2023 16:33

I have a friend who I'd say is abnormal, and she is the opposite to you, OP.

She's moved cities a few times, and in each place formed friend groups around her work, and two hobbies. She stays in touch with people from each and every group, and she visits them, invites them to hers etc.

She was hurt and put out that about 60/250 guests declined her very-far-away wedding - odd members of this group and that who I genuinely just think would have let the friendship drift without malice if she didn't go to herculean efforts to maintain it.

My point is - friendships, however deep, aren't really that permanent, and that's OK. My belief is that whilst everyone is enjoying it, great, but no need to push hard for a friendship to be the same all your life. You're bound to be disappointed that way.

whatisforteamum · 09/07/2023 16:34

I was thinking the same thing today OP.
Most of the time I get along with most people and one colleague doesn't like me too much.
Currently I have 3 who decided to bully me for a yr.
I'm different and a bit ok very outspoken.
I gave them chances to speak or just be kind in an informal way.I reported the lot of them more so for the next employee.
Now they must really HATE me.
Also my dh can misunderstand me.
I'm convinced I have ADHD and perhaps autism as I feel I speak plainly and some neurotypical want everything sugar coated.
I don't have the energy to drip feed but I'm not intentionally cruel.

Mumtothreegirlies · 09/07/2023 16:35

Just 1 that I’m aware of my husbands brothers girlfriend. She had a bit of an obsession with my husband for a while, would constantly try and message him, when drunk she would let her guard down and it became very obvious, she later had an affair (not with my husband!) and my BIL stayed with her. So her true colours came out in the end. We don’t talk anymore but if I was to see her again I’d be civil.

flurbubbly · 09/07/2023 16:35

It's a bit shitty to refer to someone as "abnormal" and "going to Herculean effort" just because they stay in touch with close friends after they move!

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 09/07/2023 17:10

I don't think so ... I can't imagine why anyone would hate or actively dislike me .... unless they were the kind of person who makes random judgements about people . There have been times where I didn't particularly click with people, or where acquaintances/colleagues remained just that (rather than becoming friends) but I think that's normal. No one is friends with everybody.

lieselotte · 09/07/2023 17:13

I don't think anyone "hates" me though no doubt there are a few who actively dislike me, or find me annoying. Like A Helpful Hand I often don't conform and people don't like that.

There is only one person I truly hate and that is a micro-managing boss from about a decade ago.

lieselotte · 09/07/2023 17:14

Oh actually I think an ex-boyfriend's wife hates me. She is insanely jealous and decided I was a threat to their relationship even though I was married and she was at the wedding - and we don't live in the same country. It was a shame, as it broke up a friendship group.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 09/07/2023 17:17

PretendUsername · 09/07/2023 15:48

Everyone commenting that nobody hates them is kind of missing how this stuff works. Most of the time nobody actually tells you when they hate you. They bitch behind your back and distance themselves so you won't ever be aware of it. When relationships 'fizzle out' it may very well be that they hate you, you just don't realise it.

I find that an odd way to think TBH. Possibly may be true occasionally - but it must be very tiring to go through life thinking that all the people who fell by the wayside as you just don't have that much in common with outside of a work environment or school mums together, actively hate you .

MissHoollie · 09/07/2023 17:19

I know of 1 who bullied me for years at work.. I whistleblew and eventually she's gone .
Possibly.some of her hangers on

bumblebee2235 · 09/07/2023 17:26

I do..I have disabilities though and people often find it too hard. (My brother cut me off for a while due to it) I understand that it's not easy especially if it's just for a friendship I'm not worth the hassle and I completely understand. I have taken responsibility and gained assistance over a 10 year period to manage my condition. My brother is back in my life. As for friendships due to my illness and insecurity a few were rather toxic relationships, I find when you struggle you attract abusive type easier, so I don't miss them. But I work on and grateful for who I do have in my life, and they are extremely loyal and worth so much.. so perhaps it's a blessing in disguise

DiscoDragon · 09/07/2023 18:08

Only one I can think of who actually hates me is my partners brother who is a bully and hates that I'll stand up to him. We've cut him out and so has just about every other member of his family.

I'm sure there are probably plenty of people who don't much like me, I'm something of a loner and keep myself to myself mostly so people who want to make small talk or gossip are always disappointed with me!