Friend moans constantly about her life but doesn’t do anything to improve it

[Fantina]

Friend has a difficult set-up, she broke up with her partner and father of her children because he was emotionally abusive to her. Because they weren’t married she didn’t get half in the split but she got enough to buy a roomy flat in a nice area with a small mortgage. She has the thee DC 50/50 and one has autism so often prefers to go to her house.

She has a full time but low paid job in an area that lots of people want to work in but most can’t afford to because of the low wage.

Now she complains about EVERYTHING and the thing that bothers me the most that most of the situations are completely avoidable if she had rules for the DC/boundaries with her ex (she moans, for example, that he calls her late at night and I think she shouldn’t answer the phone to him) and her own family and didn’t overstretch herself. I was very sympathetic at first, we spent more time together now she’s on her own, but I get irritated when she moans about something that is of her own making.

For example, she bought herself and her DC v expensive tickets to see Hamilton and booked a hotel and restaurant in London etc. Firstly she went on and on about how she couldn’t afford it (don’t book it then) and then complained that one of her DC dropped out to go out with friends at the very last minute instead (don’t allow him to then) etc.

I’m not sure I’ve ever had a friend who acts so helpless in the face of her problems before and I’m finding it very hard to navigate which I know is about me and my desire to have my advice followed 😂

Anyone else had a friend like this? I probably sound uncaring but I do care, I just want her to realise she has more agency than she thinks.

I know someone who asks for advice , never takes any of it on board ( multiple people tell them the same thing) and gets into all kinds of situations they could avoid and is now out of pocket too despite people telling them it was a bad idea.
You do end up giving up on them a bit as you end up in circles and they continue to make bad choices.
Your friend needs some tough love, but it's hard and often people won't do much to help themselves sometimes.
They probably saw the ticket buying as a treat , despite not being able to afford it , even though it won't solve anything for them long term.
Best to maybe just nod and smile now. They won't listen anyway I bet.

I do feel like giving up on her a bit, ie not being a listening ear because I can’t bear hearing the latest avoidable drama. It is a shame as she does need support and has done so well to embark on a new life but it is so frustrating to listen to. I clearly am not cut out to be a therapist!

This person I know is lovely, but gets into all kinds of scrapes that are easily avoidable
People tend to give up on them after a while
Some you just cannot help it seems

Tell her, "are you venting or asking my advice?" Of you are venting I'll listen and say nothing. If you want my advice, and don't take it, I'll stop giving advice.

When people have been abused (i.e. controlled) for a long time, it often becomes difficult for them to recognise where they have choices and options available to them. And even more difficult to feel able to exercise their own choices.

It takes time and support to learn how to recognise that they even have choices in front of them. They're not being deliberately annoying, they genuinely can't see it.

I definitely know people who make their problems and then moan about them and it is very frustrating! I have a close friend who keeps getting her hopes up about a guy she is on and off with all the time and it's really irritating as it all goes to pieces and she's a mess again.

But your friend doesn't sound all that bad? Maybe it's a 'you need to be there' scenario. Buying an expensive trip when you can't afford it is stupid, granted. But the rest sounds fairly normal. I'd struggle not to answer a call from my kids' dad late at night as I'd think it must be an emergency. The dc dropping out of seeing the show is tricky depending on age, so I don't think it's as straightforward as "don't let him then".

I meant to quote

"I’m not sure I’ve ever had a friend who acts so helpless in the face of her problems before"

Exactly.

@Tadashi it is something like that every single day accompanied by a flurry of ‘FFS’ type messages to me about it. So each thing is kind of unremarkable on its own but the overarching pattern is that she is unable to take charge. But as a PP says perhaps that is because she was with her ex for so long she hasn’t found her agency yet.

and re the phone calls from her ex, they tend to be when the DC are with her so not an emergency regarding them hence me suggesting she let them go to voicemail.

This is probably very good advice but I think it says a lot about me that I don’t want to listen to someone vent and not be able to offer them advice.

I think I might just not respond to the latest drama beyond ‘oh goodness that sounds tough/annoying/difficult’

I have a friend like this (and another who is a work colleague too) and as a solution driven person I used to do what you do - advice, support, listen.

they don’t want it. Now I just say ‘oh dear’.

You can't force her to take advice.

If i wanted to keep the friendship, i would become a grey rock for the moaning, just really boring slow responses of "oh dear". "that sounds frustrating". And then try to refocus our contact on mutually fun topics and activities.

She clearly wants sympathy/a listening ear not advice. 🤷‍♀️

Why would you want to keep a friendship where you're not interested in giving someone the type of support they need and only interested in giving the type of support you want to give, whether that's helpful to them or not, or no support at all?? I genuinely don't understand this.

@Heavensalongwayaway

I think that’s the only way to manage it with her. I think it’s highlighting for me how I admire action in people rather than being passive. I’ll try and accept that she has a different style.

@BiscuitsandPuffin I think you are right but I don’t think I’ve got it in me for that to be me at least once a day.

I have someone in my life like this. I am constantly bemused by their lack of action to improve their situation and have had to just accept that they don't really want to.

I respond less frequently to messages - just a couple in a row once a day max. I keep it light and respond very much like 'ooh tricky, what do you think you'll do' rather than offering options.

Sounds a bit full on. Every day contact with friends as adult is alien to me. I met up with a close friend last week who moaned about her relationship issues, I was happy to listen because we only talk every month or so, like most of my friends. Every day is like a full on relationship and would stress me out. My mother likes to moan to me about all her health issues, some of which were/are preventable. She would like daily contact, I do not, so twice a week it is. You need to set boundaries that suit you.

I know a whinger. Very privileged, financially secure, never worked. Sits and tells you how lucky you are to rent because having builders in is so stressful. Whatever is happening they're having a terrible time and everyone else is so lucky. We don't talk much these days. It's too exhausting when we do.

Maybe she just wants a sounding board which we all deserve really. And I’ve moaned about things before, just venting and afterwards thought ‘ugh I really went on about that’. Just something you do.

FWIW I do feel sorry for them. Their pain is very real to them, even if it doesn't match with anyone else's version of reality.

Not having gratitude and contentment means that all the material comfort brings no joy and the days must seem very hard and low.

@Sheknowsnow yes the frequency of contact is too much for me too. It crept up to this level when she was in the midst of the split and the aftermath and I haven’t been able to dial it back. If I haven’t replied to her on WhatsApp and she sees I’m online, she’ll send me a wave emoji.

she doesn’t have many friends and I know one of them recently told her she had to step back as she found it too full on. She was having therapy which definitely seemed to be helping her but has stopped it because she can’t afford it.