Friend moans constantly about her life but doesn’t do anything to improve it

[Fantina]

Friend has a difficult set-up, she broke up with her partner and father of her children because he was emotionally abusive to her. Because they weren’t married she didn’t get half in the split but she got enough to buy a roomy flat in a nice area with a small mortgage. She has the thee DC 50/50 and one has autism so often prefers to go to her house.

She has a full time but low paid job in an area that lots of people want to work in but most can’t afford to because of the low wage.

Now she complains about EVERYTHING and the thing that bothers me the most that most of the situations are completely avoidable if she had rules for the DC/boundaries with her ex (she moans, for example, that he calls her late at night and I think she shouldn’t answer the phone to him) and her own family and didn’t overstretch herself. I was very sympathetic at first, we spent more time together now she’s on her own, but I get irritated when she moans about something that is of her own making.

For example, she bought herself and her DC v expensive tickets to see Hamilton and booked a hotel and restaurant in London etc. Firstly she went on and on about how she couldn’t afford it (don’t book it then) and then complained that one of her DC dropped out to go out with friends at the very last minute instead (don’t allow him to then) etc.

I’m not sure I’ve ever had a friend who acts so helpless in the face of her problems before and I’m finding it very hard to navigate which I know is about me and my desire to have my advice followed 😂

Anyone else had a friend like this? I probably sound uncaring but I do care, I just want her to realise she has more agency than she thinks.

@booksandbrooks yes it is so tone deaf sometimes.

I had a friend like this. (Note past tense!)

It's draining. Everyone in the world was always wrong despite everyone she asked for advice giving her the same suggestions.

No one understood. Except it was general stuff we all deal with mostly.

And if you rang her she's not respond for 3 days and then it was a text to say sorry she missed your call is everything ok?

That in itself isn't an issue but if you didn't answer her texts she'd call within minutes and if you didn't answer the call she'd ring again and again and then text again.

The turning point for me was when a wise poster on MN advised another poster to only have friends who brought something to your life.

I have a colleague that has complained for the last 10 years I've known them about

Council tax
Water rates
How they can't afford to heat their house

Has very valuable home for the area, huge huge amount of land, 3 beds for just her and partner (not his house basically lodges).

Refuses to move
Refuses to get a water meter

I have no sympathy left. Could sell up to a very nice 2/3 bed detached with a nice garden, no mortgage and money left over 🤷🏽‍♀️

I like this approach!

I have a close relative like this. Massively impulsive so will do something like book a package holiday on a whim and then look up TripAdvisor and realise that the hotel is awful, the resort is shabby, and the airport she’s flying from is a six hour drive away.

It’s very frustrating.

I think everyone has a friend like this.. they like drama

I’m not sure she does like it @Alargeoneplease89 but she just won’t stand up for herself in any situation. She once got given the wrong meal when we were eating out and refused to send it back but moaned the whole time which ruined my meal tbh. It’s so strange and infuriating!

Honestly I know, I a friend exactly the same. I just roll my eyes. She aims for abusive men and moans - even though they have been in the local newspaper for violence. Constantly moaning about their health even though they are healthy - I'm falling to bits but "you will be fine". I'm close to ghosting.

I think after a while we have to accept this is how they want to live their lives and withdraw a little/a lot.

I read a great book called 'Games People Play' by a psychologist who said that people who play this game (which he calls Why Don't You, Yes But) get some sort of 'win' out of feeling like no one can help them. They 'win' the game when you run out of suggestions. The only way to avoid being drawn in is not to play on the first place.

That sounds really interesting, @rivercobbler. I don’t run out of suggestions but I do get exasperated and give up so it probably induces the same feeling.

Ppl like this have to have unsolvable problems. I don’t know why. Maybe they use it as some sort of distraction from how they feel / feeling empty. Whilst the problem is obviously solvable to anyone else, it’s utterly impossible to solve for them. They clearly like to have the problem/problems. Step back.

I have a relative like this, they hate to hear a possible solution. So now I just listen...would love to decrease contact even further. Im often accused of being cold and unfeeling because I cant put on a sympathetic face and say "Oh dear...that sounds tough..."

OP how does your friend cope with her child with special needs?

@LoveSick64 I might get flamed for this but I think she has low expectations of them, they are in mainstream school and can perform well academically, but she focuses very much on what they can’t do rather than what they can do.

She accepts the DC treating her very badly too and doesn’t put boundaries in place for them either. She puts her own
life completely on hold for them.

I do completely accept that parenting a neurodiverse child must pose different challenges to parenting NT ones though and I don’t offer much advice to her in this area in case it seems insensitive.

This.

The effect of being in a controlling/abusive situation whether it’s with a partner or other family members (and one can often lead to another) is absolutely devastating to one’s confidence and self esteem.

When life keeps throwing you curveballs you sometimes stop being able to see any point in trying to catch them.

Generally speaking, people don't want advice, they just want to complain. That doesn't mean you have to listen, though.

She isn't going to suddenly morph into a strong person who solves her own problems so in your shoes I would reduce the time I spent with her else it would be irritating.

I understand it can feel very frustrating when people behave in such a helpless manner. I try to have compassion for them because it's usually an indicator that they have never had their boundaries respected or their needs met. It can be a long process for them to change, and that is if and when they realise that change is possible.

If someone asks for your advice they are not obliged to take it!
It means that they want to listen to and consider your opinion not that they want to be told what to do.

I don't disagree with this at all but it would get tiring even listening to it constantly even if only venting

Or if it's a mobile phone, turn it off at night!

Withdrawing a whole lot is what I'd be doing. Fading out, essentially.

I used to have a friend like this. I just gave up and stopped seeing her in the end. We had a mutual friend who had more patience, but she also distanced herself eventually. I can understand it’s frustrating, as you can clearly see how certain problems could be solved or avoided - if they’d only take the advice they asked for!

Well I’ve held the line today with the mini dramas she’s messaged me about and I’ve had a more peaceful day as a result. I think I’ll recalibrate our friendship as much as possible.

The thing is, even if people actually ask for advice, they very often don’t want to take it - unless it’s what they want to hear.

I agree with @RainyDate and @swanling , some of the people we are talking about here have never had their boundaries respected nor their needs met and are very vulnerable, having suffered from childhood neglect and / or abuse from a partner. I'm not sure advice is what they really need, probably moral support and encouragement that they are capable of meeting their own needs is the best thing we can do for them.

There is an analogy about a poor old dog who was regularly beaten and tied up by a cruel master and it always strained to get away. Years later he was finally untied and set free but the poor animal just sat there because he no longer believed he could.