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Original poster

How do I get out of this?

35 replies

Anapavlova · 09/07/2023 11:52

DD (5) has a friend of the same age. We meet them once every 2 weeks for a play date and they really like each other. This friend has ASD and is home schooled as she couldn't adjust in a mainstream school, DD is going to a prep school so she is on summer holidays now.

All good except that our playdates are way too long as the parents have no limits on anything. They never tell their DD off for anything (I suspect to avoid a meltdown) and I find myself battling with DD to go home every single time as she is confused why her friend is never rushed. Even when we manage to get them out of the playground they tag along to our car and let their DD pull DD and have another laugh/another little play next to the car.

Once they came over to our house and didn't leave until it was very very late in the evening.

We are going on holidays next week and the mum said she'd like to come for a day to our holiday town so the girls can play with each other. At first I didn't see much of a problem with this but yesterday we had another playdate and it reminded me of how they are. We got home really really late as their DD kept telling DD at the playground let's not go home, let's run away from our parents, I had to pull DD away from the playground, she started screaming whilst the parents laughed and held hands with each other not saying a single freaking word.

I'm furious at the idea that we will have to deal with this on our holidays coupled with the fact that they'll forget to leave and there is a strong possibility they'll want to stay over in our AirBnb 2 bed flat for a night. I just don't want to deal with this! How do I get our of this?!

OP posts:
Housekeeperbatcocoa · 09/07/2023 11:55

They're not bothered about upsetting you, so you shouldn't be bothered about upsetting them. Just be blunt and say you're no happy with how long the play dates last and you are unable to do one on holiday because you've booked activities.

WonderfulUsername · 09/07/2023 12:08

Oh dear OP

You'll need to learn quickly that there are 1000s of parents out there who don't parent the same way as you, and that what you tell your child is the only thing that matters. Your child will have to learn this too (that it doesn't matter what her friends are allowed to do).

Just tell the mum that you want family time only on holiday and stick to it. Perhaps suggest a day out together over Summer (but only if you want to).

Summerslimtime · 09/07/2023 12:09

They don't care about you at all. They need your dd to entertain theirs. You need to start pulling away. You have your own boundaries. No to meeting up on holiday, that's private family time (who even asks this anyway??? Not normal). When their dd is holding yours back, you walk over and scoop yours up and put her in the car. Don't meet at yours in future. Always give them an end time. 2-3 hours is plenty.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families
Original poster
Anapavlova · 09/07/2023 12:14

Thank you for your replies, that's very helpful! I know I need stronger boundaries 😞

OP posts:
Housekeeperbatcocoa · 09/07/2023 12:18

And if you do another play date, set an alarm on your phone. Tell your DD that once the alarm goes, you're leaving because you have other things to do. Tell the parents the same. Be firm. Once it goes, leave.

Honestly though it doesn't sound like this child is a good influence on yours and I'd probably be looking to distance myself from them.

Original poster
Anapavlova · 09/07/2023 12:23

Housekeeperbatcocoa · 09/07/2023 12:18

And if you do another play date, set an alarm on your phone. Tell your DD that once the alarm goes, you're leaving because you have other things to do. Tell the parents the same. Be firm. Once it goes, leave.

Honestly though it doesn't sound like this child is a good influence on yours and I'd probably be looking to distance myself from them.

The alarm is such a good idea! I'll definitely put that in place.

We've distanced ourselves a few months ago and didn't meet them for a couple of months, but then they managed to creep back in. Now that DD is on summer break they probably think it's an opportunity to meet more often as a lot of kids are still at school.

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 09/07/2023 12:26

I think as your DD is 5, it's a pretty good age to explain that different parents have different rules, and that no matter what her friend is doing/telling her, she needs to listen to you.

She'll be learning it at school anyway - that what the teacher says goes, and not other children.

thinkfast · 09/07/2023 12:35

If their child is dragging yours - trying to extend the play date and the other parents do nothing, it's fine for you to politely but firmly say to their child "let go now. We are going home." And say to the parents we need to be firmer on timescales as these ling play dates really don't work for us.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 09/07/2023 12:46

Do not meet up with them on your holiday!

Come on, enough's enough.

Say no and that you're looking forward to just having some quiet family time, sounds like this woman has CF potential if you think she'll end up staying at your AirBNB; why risk that?

speluncean · 09/07/2023 12:48

The alarm is a great idea.

And I too would just say "the holiday is for us to have some much needed family time so we can't meet up"
And I wouldn't apologise for that

Jellycatspyjamas · 09/07/2023 12:51

We are going on holidays next week and the mum said she'd like to come for a day to our holiday town so the girls can play with each other. At first I didn't see much of a problem with this but yesterday we had another

Holidays are family time, even with the best friends I wouldn’t agree to them following us on holiday. Just tell them you have things arranged while you’re away and want to protect your much needed family time.

Leverageup · 09/07/2023 12:52

can you say you will do two hours in the park as you have to pack. After teo hours, leave.

WonderfulUsername · 09/07/2023 13:58

Leverageup · 09/07/2023 12:52

can you say you will do two hours in the park as you have to pack. After teo hours, leave.

Why would the OP even consider that??

She doesn't want to do it.

BasiliskStare · 09/07/2023 14:02

I would just say - we're on holiday - see you when we get back . ( that may be putting the discussion off but that is what I would say - makes it clear no visiting on holiday ) but without being impolite.

forrestgreen · 09/07/2023 14:32

If they message whilst you're on holiday
'So sorry, I forgot you'd suggested it, we'll see you in a few weeks as we're enjoying this family time' then literally don't reply for the remainder of the holidays.

Then I'd let that slide tbh. If she suggests meeting up and you're happy to. The alarm thing is good but tell dad there's a treat at home for her if she's good and to encourage the 'going home' section of the event to begin.

AssertiveGertrude · 09/07/2023 14:35

Ughhh
does she know the holiday town you are going to ? She’s likely to turn up

BiscuitsandPuffin · 09/07/2023 14:40

First of all, don't tell them where/when you're going on holiday if you continue seeing them in the future.

Secondly, what kind of batshit parents drive to someone's holiday to interrupt it for a playdate??? Honestly they sound really bizarre, and I'd be "busy" and fully booked for the next few months until they latch onto someone else. And they have latched onto you, presumably because everyone else runs screaming when they see them.

Right now they probably think their child's poor behaviour is "cute" but in a few years' time they'll be posting on MN that their child is throwing things at them, refuses to get dressed, and has taken over their home and doesn't let them watch their own TV, doesn't eat anything but sweets, pushes them around, and then in the teen years either gets suicidally depressed or starts physically attacking people. And they won't understand why. I would find any possible way to avoid the logical conclusion of their "no limits" parenting.

hopeishere · 09/07/2023 14:41

Do they know where you are actually staying on holiday? Is it likely they would bump into you? Just turn up?

I'd just say you're not sure what your plans are and then ignore any messages.

Original poster
Anapavlova · 09/07/2023 15:14

BiscuitsandPuffin · 09/07/2023 14:40

First of all, don't tell them where/when you're going on holiday if you continue seeing them in the future.

Secondly, what kind of batshit parents drive to someone's holiday to interrupt it for a playdate??? Honestly they sound really bizarre, and I'd be "busy" and fully booked for the next few months until they latch onto someone else. And they have latched onto you, presumably because everyone else runs screaming when they see them.

Right now they probably think their child's poor behaviour is "cute" but in a few years' time they'll be posting on MN that their child is throwing things at them, refuses to get dressed, and has taken over their home and doesn't let them watch their own TV, doesn't eat anything but sweets, pushes them around, and then in the teen years either gets suicidally depressed or starts physically attacking people. And they won't understand why. I would find any possible way to avoid the logical conclusion of their "no limits" parenting.

I already told them where we are going. They don't know the exact address but know the town, it's by the sea.

They do have a lot of troubles at home with their DD (not wanting to get dressed/undressed, tantrums over everything and generally controlling behaviour) so I guess meeting DD who is very easy going gives them a break.

From what they say some people, including some of their relatives, have distanced themselves from them and they don't quite understand why, but they do realise their relatives don't agree with their parenting.

I'm annoyed that I've not kept some firm boundaries and now desperately looking for ways to get out of unwanted situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anapavlova · 09/07/2023 15:16

hopeishere · 09/07/2023 14:41

Do they know where you are actually staying on holiday? Is it likely they would bump into you? Just turn up?

I'd just say you're not sure what your plans are and then ignore any messages.

I'm going to be very blunt and hoping they'll have the common sense not to turn up 😒

OP posts:
Cheeseandlobster · 09/07/2023 15:26

Good luck op. Remember if they do worm their way into staying with you then they will probably insist on spending the following day with you too which is a third of your holiday spoilt. Stay strong and focused

ThreeRingCircus · 09/07/2023 15:27

Someone suggesting to interrupt your family holiday to turn up and have a playdate is totally batshit. CF territory. They don't care about you, not really if they're suggesting this.....you and your DD just make their lives easier.

I would reply back that you will not be free as you're having some much needed family time on holiday and then distance yourselves once you're back home. We had similar with someone we'd met at a group and their DD and eventually I just had to be blunt and say I wasn't free and didn't know when I was going to be.

InceyWinceySpidy · 09/07/2023 15:31

Your DD has become how they have a break. Which is terrific for them, but entirely at your expense. They aren't blind, they see their DD pull yours around, and cause issue every time you leave. They know it's not ok. But they stand there laughing like it's a joke and all a bit of a giggle in the hope you'll start to think the same.

I can imagine they've ostracized themselves from a fair few friends and family by this, especially as they're even trying to follow you on your holiday (wtf?) to not miss out on their break.

You and DD aren't their free childcare. I have a child with SEN and I know it can be relentless, but you don't just get to repeatedly transfer that onto a random other family instead. They have other options, that they can pay for. They are over "using" you so they don't have to pay.

Agree with PP that you simply say, "Sorry, we're no longer able to meet up whilst away" and then I wouldn't be responding to their messages after that.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/07/2023 15:33

No thank you, it’s our family holiday.

Gymmum82 · 09/07/2023 15:36

I would ‘forget’ to reply if she messages about the meeting up on holiday. Then reply later and said sorry you forgot and the holiday is family time so you’re not up to play dates.

As for the normal play dates. Just have an excuse ready. So say to the mum we have to leave by 3 as we’re going to nanny’s. Or sorry we’ve got to be on our way at 5 as I’ve got a dentist appointment. Just repeat every single time. Stay a couple of hours and don’t be dragged in to staying longer.
Seems like the child’s parenting or lack of it is the main problem here but blaming ASD