How do I get out of this?

[Anapavlova]

DD (5) has a friend of the same age. We meet them once every 2 weeks for a play date and they really like each other. This friend has ASD and is home schooled as she couldn't adjust in a mainstream school, DD is going to a prep school so she is on summer holidays now.

All good except that our playdates are way too long as the parents have no limits on anything. They never tell their DD off for anything (I suspect to avoid a meltdown) and I find myself battling with DD to go home every single time as she is confused why her friend is never rushed. Even when we manage to get them out of the playground they tag along to our car and let their DD pull DD and have another laugh/another little play next to the car.

Once they came over to our house and didn't leave until it was very very late in the evening.

We are going on holidays next week and the mum said she'd like to come for a day to our holiday town so the girls can play with each other. At first I didn't see much of a problem with this but yesterday we had another playdate and it reminded me of how they are. We got home really really late as their DD kept telling DD at the playground let's not go home, let's run away from our parents, I had to pull DD away from the playground, she started screaming whilst the parents laughed and held hands with each other not saying a single freaking word.

I'm furious at the idea that we will have to deal with this on our holidays coupled with the fact that they'll forget to leave and there is a strong possibility they'll want to stay over in our AirBnb 2 bed flat for a night. I just don't want to deal with this! How do I get our of this?!

I don’t think you should just hope. Sounds like they don’t pick up on messages so they probably need something much more explicit and direct.

”we can meet you somewhere at x time but will need to leave at x time”.

“we are having family only time and there isn’t extra space for anyone else in the air b and b”

or even

”we’re having family only time all holiday as we have not had a whole week together for a while. So we won’t have time to catch up I’m afraid. Look forward to seeing you on x date when we are back”.

@Anapavlova
You have to be sufficiently blunt that they know any sort of turning up unannounced won't work. And do not start any reply with "sorry". So something like pp's have suggested "it's a family only holiday and we won't be having any playdates that week".

I could see them texting saying they are already in the seaside place you are going to and expecting to meet up. And then getting stroppy if you say no. Indeed if that does happen you will have to simply not reply.

If you want to cool off playdates altogether then the next time they suggest it you'd have to be even blunter. "I don't think the girls getting together is good for my DD or our family at that moment and so won't be having playdates for the foreseeable future. Wish you and [their DD] all the best". That doesn't blame them or their daughter, because you haven't given a specific reason, but is very clear playdates are not happening again.

This is so passive aggressive, and you know it. You don't need to be like this. It's like the MN fave, "No" is a complete sentence, as if anyone other than on MN forums speaks like that IRL.

No, OP doesn't need to apologise. But OP has said the holiday playdate is ok, I assume, as she's asking how to get out of it.

"Sorry, we are no longer able to meet up whilst away" is to the point, without being rude.

On return, if OP doesn't want to see them, she can "Sorry, we are a bit flat out at the moment"

Polite, but to the point.

I don't think it's passive aggressive, I wouldn't have written it if I did because I'm usually about as blunt as it comes. I didn't pick up OP already actively said yes to the holiday playdate and was looking for a way out. I assumed she'd just not said no - and had implied a 'maybe/yes' without making definitive plans. So if she has absolutely said yes then I agree, OP needs to be clear she has changed her mind and it won't happen, however she phrases it.

As for future dates, saying "we're flat out right now" leaves it too open in my view. You can't be 'flat out' forever and persistent types won't take that as a no. And saying 'Sorry' is wrong, she has nothing to apologise for and pushy people perceive it as weakness that can be exploited. I'm trying to suggest a way she puts a stop to it forever, if that is what she wants to do.

I agree with @Gerwurtztraminer on the use of sorry. I've been in one of these sort of scenarios before and that sort of person perceives the "sorry" as a chink in your armour.

If they don’t know where you are going on holiday-that’s good. If she asks about it, say ‘actually we’ve been talking and we are just going to have that time away as family time together’.

I would also speak to your daughter about not running away when it’s time to go home otherwise you won’t be able to see that friend any more.

This would irritate me so much I think I’d have to withdraw from them completely.

Your DD is not a “service” they get to avail of when it suits them.

I guess that's down to interpretation.

I wouldn't be writing "sorry" because I was apologising, more "sorry to disappoint you but it's not happening"

Thank you for all your advice, super helpful. I'm glad that every single poster here thinks this isn't ok.

I've sent a message this morning making it clear we do not want a playdate on our family holiday and that we'll see them sometime when we are back.

It would be very easy for me not to meet them ever again but DD does like their DD and asks to meet her.

Update: I got a reply saying she totally understands and hopes we have a good holiday but let's meet earlier in the day next time so that we don't have to be so late 😏.