What rules do you have for your 15/16 year olds?

[fast800slowmisery]

As the title says really. I'm trying to decide if I'm too strict or not strict enough. DS15 says I'm really strict.

So in general what are your rules - do you have curfews etc? If they go out after school when do they need to be home? Weekends? ---- Are you more relaxed in summer when it's darker later?

And how do you enforce it if you have a teen who just ignores boundaries --and calls you a psycho.

Please be kind. I'm really struggling. I feel like he hates me but loves everyone else's parents.

DS(14) has a curfew... later in summer and at weekends
Has to tell me if he's leaving the village
Has to answer his phone if I call

Can I ask what the time is for the curfew?

There is a,world of difference IMO between just turned 15 and 16 nearly 17. I am guessing your DC is in the summer between yrs 10 & 11.

I would suggest a 10 pm curfew for these Summer evenings and Weekends. Home by 6 week nights during the week termtime for dinner and homework. Dd has just done her GCSEs I like her home by 11pm if coming on public transport, I will pick her up from parties at midnight.

He's 15 and a half. So still feels quite young to me but I'm becoming aware that he is getting that bit older and maybe I'm being too cautious.

6pm has been my weekday rule but he often misses his bus and doesn't get home in time. His time management is poor but I also acknowledge he has ADHD.

@fast800slowmisery

8.30 during the week. 9pm weekends and holidays. If he is watching a film or something with friends he'll text and ask for longer.

Having experienced a DD who rode roughshod over the rules we set her, he is good as gold at adhering to the few we have

Oh. Have also had the talk about baking which seems a popular pastime

Thanks. Now I'm rethinking things again haha

Do you mean baking as in actual baking? Otherwise I'm not sure what that means

Does your DS come home first before going out for his 8:30 curfew ? If not when does he do his homework or eat during the week ?

I can't remember where I read it, but imperfect resentful compliance is the best you can expect and is a win.

@Goldencup
Yep, home after school, homework and dinner if it's ready, ( occasionally will have his dinner when he comes in, or will come back for it then go back out)

@fast800slowmisery vaping.... damn autocorrect

My oldest will be 16 in November. Home by 6.30 on school nights, unless he is working, then he is allowed to work until 9.30. His work have asked him to work until 10 but I said no as he still needs his sleep. He's allowed out until 11 on weekends.

If he stays at friends houses, I ask him to leave snap maps on. This is because they will often be going between friends houses and parks etc. I also ask him to text me when he arrives back at his mates for the night. This is often later than 11 but I like to know he is home safe. I also have a zero tolerance policy on vaping.

I seem to be stricter than a lot of his friends parents but it is hard to say really. A lot of his mates aren't particularly honest with their parents, so do more but its not necessarily allowed. My son knows that honesty and trust are the biggest deal breakers in our family.

This was tough for me because he was often with his dad of a weekend and dad would go out and leave him to his own devices.
So once I was ready to be less strict he'd inform me, "but mum, I already come in at stupid o'clock when I'm with dad".
(I checked, he was telling the truth) so I didn't want his independence to regress and he is being sensible.
So now I play it by ear, I'd rather know exactly where he is and give him a time to be home by, but if he can't get here, (missed busses etc) there's no punishment as long as he messages me or calls.
He also knows I'll always pick him up or send a taxi if he's stuck.

I think it depends on what your son is doing, mine is nothing like i was at his age, he's sensible for a start, I behaved like the love child of Courtney Love and Charles Bronson, so I know if he's ever seen trouble etc he's the kid who makes sure he and his pals leave, if need be ring the police etc.
Me at 15 would be right in the middle like a small hooligan, so I can't and don't judge him by my standards.
His friends are also lovely kids, so that gives me confidence, because they're not causing any drama etc, just playing football or sat in each others houses.
If I suspected he was fighting, vaping, doing drugs or being a dick to locals, he'd be on house arrest, but as it stands, in a couple of years he's free to leave home, next year, he can drive etc so I hope giving him the independence and trust will pay off, even if I'm a nervous wreck.
And credit where its due, he will usually just send me a thumbs up or something mid way through his night.

It's so bloody tough this age, especially when it's absolutely rife with knife crime and really extreme violence for teens atm. But as scary as it is, we can't stop our kids from growing up because of the actions of others, same way we can't let terrorism stop us enjoying arena venues or the fear of a car crash driving, it's terribly scary, but life has to go on.

Mine is 17 now but when she was 15 the rule was home by 9:30 on a school night and if she was going to be out past 7pm she needed to tell me where she was. She would always tell me from 5pm where she was and always told me who she was with too but that was her choice I didn't make that the rule.

She could be out later on weekends/school holidays. Curfew was normally around 10 (became 11 when she turned 16) but if she wanted to be out for a specific thing like the film finishes at 10:30 or they are at Xs birthday and will be home by 11- then the rule was that was fine as long as she asked me in person beforehand. So she couldn't ring at 9pm and ask to stay out later but if she had asked at 6 while she was at home then it was fine.

She only actually did that about 4 times while she was 15 she was otherwise happy to be back by 10 as she generally likes her sleep and would generally be back by 9 anyway.

Dd was 15 in March. Does an activity twice a week until 9.30/10.00. Walks home with friends (5 mins).
In for 9.30 in the summer but only allowed out if all homework is done.
Winter time she tends to stay in or at her friends (next door ). Home for 9.30 or whenever friends mum kicks her out. Same applies if friend is here!.
If she's further away I'll pick her up. Tends to stay inside though.

I don't set a bedtime. If she's tired then I have no sympathy. She's up at 6.30 most morning with no problems.

She washes up a few times a week and walks the dog. Bedroom is a sty but I close the door on it and ignore.

It's an awkward age.

Can I just say what a lovely and supportive thread this is. With an unusually consensus view ? I hope it's useful OP

DD had to text me after school so I know where she was going (she’s just finished GCSEs so no school now). Weekday curfew depended on where she was- 8.30 if studying with friends and eating there, 7.30 if eating at home, later if going to the cinema to allow her to watch the film and get home. Sometimes she’d come home first, sometimes she wouldn’t. She’s sensible though, and trustworthy, and always gets homework etc done without prompting. At weekends it’s later, unless she’s travelling by public transport or going into town In which case I stick to 8.30 to avoid the drunks.
DS is a year older now but was much less organised with homework etc so he tended to have to come home first and get that done. His curfew was generally similar, though he was allowed 10 on a school night if at the gym (which was where he mostly went) as he’d have eaten and done schoolwork before hand and it’s only 5 minutes walk. Party curfew was midnight (not encountered this yet with DD!)

I have to say we don't do a set bedtime either. Both DS (older is 16) spend some time with us either after dinner or when they come in (DS16 is not social so rarely out) and they take themselves upstairs when they are ready.... they are responsible for how much sleep they get

" I feel like he hates me but loves everyone else's parents."

He does; he's a teenager, it's normal. This is how they disentangle themselves and become independent.

Love the vaping / baking typo so cute wish we did need to talk to them seriously about baking!

Oh, and they pick their own bedtime. If they’re tired, it’s on them (and they generally stay home and have an early night the next day). This age is about learning to self regulate. I see it as practice for being 18!
Drugs/ vaping are banned 100% (but they know if they ever get into trouble, or their friends do, they can call me and I’ll be there either physically or to advise. DS in particular comes to me with any concerns about friends and tells me every detail of everything so I can help him navigate stuff. DD has more sensible friends and is more self sufficient, but still calls if they’re stuck somewhere etc)

6pm for a 15yo? I was going to day 9pm school nights

No other rules really apart from the 'normal' social ones like telling us if home late or not home for dinner type ones I would expect of anyone who lived together ie flatmates type thing

We do have a curfew for our DD15 - 9 pm on a school night, 10:30 on the weekend. However, it has turned into more of a guideline than a firm curfew (in that she will text me when she's running late or ask whether she can be 30-45 min late). Also, when she's with her boyfriend, it's tended to be later but she will let us know where she is and when she's coming home.
It's not ideal, but as long as she (mostly) does her work, so stays out later on evenings she does not have additional work to do, and lets us know when she'll be back and who she's with, we accept it.

She used to say we are very strict. Now she doesn't so much, but yes, says we don't understand her. She's now mostly good about following the very few rules we have. I feel like we could get perfect compliance at the risk of her lying about where she is and sneaking out, and not telling me anything about what goes on in her life, so I'd rather have it this way.

Her boyfriend is mostly a good influence (no complaints about him and them together), except it is an all-consuming first love and she would throw everything else under the bus (school, family...) to spend time with him. So her selfish side has been on full display and I'm having a hard time feeling like a piece of furniture in her eyes. It'll probably pass, but I do feel hurt. I digress, sorry.

I'm in Australia so it's dark here early atm.
That's why I was wondering if people have a different strategy for winter and summer. Now that I'm reading this is does feel a bit restrictive.

I was a bit wild and had no boundaries from my parents so I'm trying to work out a balance. What's normal etc as I have nothing to draw on from my own experience.

I very much understand this! He also has a girlfriend and everything else only exists to facilitate his time with her.

I love this one too! I couldn't figure it out at first, thank you for helping me.