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Original poster

What rules do you have for your 15/16 year olds?

49 replies

fast800slowmisery · 06/07/2023 03:26

As the title says really. I'm trying to decide if I'm too strict or not strict enough. DS15 says I'm really strict.

So in general what are your rules - do you have curfews etc? If they go out after school when do they need to be home? Weekends? ---- Are you more relaxed in summer when it's darker later?

And how do you enforce it if you have a teen who just ignores boundaries --and calls you a psycho.

Please be kind. I'm really struggling. I feel like he hates me but loves everyone else's parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
fast800slowmisery · 06/07/2023 07:10

Goldencup · 06/07/2023 06:47

Can I just say what a lovely and supportive thread this is. With an unusually consensus view ? I hope it's useful OP

It is! I'm very grateful and kicking myself for how I've handled situations with him and my expectations based off this.

OP posts:
Original poster
fast800slowmisery · 06/07/2023 07:10

No bedtime here either. He gets up in the morning with no issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
fast800slowmisery · 06/07/2023 07:11

Baking/vaping is brilliant

OP posts:

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Families
Slavica · 06/07/2023 07:12

fast800slowmisery · 06/07/2023 07:06

I'm in Australia so it's dark here early atm.
That's why I was wondering if people have a different strategy for winter and summer. Now that I'm reading this is does feel a bit restrictive.

I was a bit wild and had no boundaries from my parents so I'm trying to work out a balance. What's normal etc as I have nothing to draw on from my own experience.

Show quote history

We did have a different strategy for the winter and summer, but I think we'll scrap it for the upcoming winter and just keep it the same - 9 pm on a weeknight. I do worry when she's out on her own in the dark (and she argues that her male classmates don't have the same restrictions, what about equality?).

Neversaygoodbye · 06/07/2023 07:14

Going through this with DS who recently turned 16. I'm struggling with getting my head round the whole letting go and dealing with the stress and worry of who he's with, what he's doing etc. I don't deny being a bit of a control freak but when you've spent nearly 16 years assisting them with arrangements from toddler play dates to dropping off for sports and activities it's tough. I've found it seems to have almost happened overnight too. It helps reading how others are managing.

thishasnotmyweek · 06/07/2023 07:17

6pm is extremely early, so yes i think you're being very strict and i'm not surprised he's ignoring it (I would). You are in danger of teaching him he needs to lie to you about everything because of your strictness.

I don't have a 15 year old, but the 15 year old I know is generally expected home by 9ish but it's not a strict curfew. If she rings and says where she is / how she is getting home then she can stay out later. She is generally pretty sensible though.

Dacadactyl · 06/07/2023 07:23

Rules for DD16 are

No phone/electronics in her room overnight
Generally speaking a 10pm bedtime
Allowed to drink 4/5 drinks at parties
Not allowed out overnight unless I've had communication from parents
Curfew depends on where she is

Vettrianofan · 06/07/2023 07:24

Has dinner at 4pm, then heads out on his bike to spend time with friends til 9pm weekdays. Only if there's no homework. On a day he has homework he stays in.

Weekends still 9pm curfew.

He is 16yo, and adheres to the rules we have but if he is running late he will phone to explain why which we acknowledge is kind of him. Stops me worrying as much!

Has dog walking to do before meeting his friends too. It's one of his household duties. Helps him earn his monthly pocket money.

Vettrianofan · 06/07/2023 07:25

10pm bedtime but free to read a book if he wants to.

LobsterCrab · 06/07/2023 07:26

I have a 15yo DD. She doesn't have a specific curfew - it's on a case by case basis, ie she asks me "can I do this?" and I usually say yes unless there's a good reason why not. She's a sensible girl who plays sport at a fairly high level and needs a good night's sleep, so she's usually home early anyway.

She has an older brother who is 17 and has passed his driving test, so he has more freedom.

Both of them have find my iPhone so I can check their whereabouts for reassurance.

No vaping (or baking!) as far as I know...

CeeceeBloomingdale · 06/07/2023 07:29

I don't set curfews for my 16yo, they don't need them as they are respectful and don't take the piss. The only rules are don't slouch and don't be a twat.

Redburnett · 06/07/2023 07:34

I have two lovely adult sons, both sensible and responsible. As teens one ignored every rule that we set, the other happily obeyed every rule we set - which wasn't many as we had given up after DS1. With hindsight I wish I had been less strict with DS1 and just focused on him staying safe and in touch with us.

Slavica · 06/07/2023 07:44

LobsterCrab · 06/07/2023 07:26

I have a 15yo DD. She doesn't have a specific curfew - it's on a case by case basis, ie she asks me "can I do this?" and I usually say yes unless there's a good reason why not. She's a sensible girl who plays sport at a fairly high level and needs a good night's sleep, so she's usually home early anyway.

She has an older brother who is 17 and has passed his driving test, so he has more freedom.

Both of them have find my iPhone so I can check their whereabouts for reassurance.

No vaping (or baking!) as far as I know...

Mine has asked my to turn off the Find my iPhone, which we did, on a trial basis for two weeks. Once that went well I agreed to keep it off, as long as she keeps telling me who she is with and if she'll be late.
I asked her to turn it back on for a day when she took a day trip to a city an hour away with a group of girls. That went well too.

She doesn't have a bed time but we ask her to get ready for bed before 10 pm. What she does in her room thereafter is up to her, but no banging doors in our apartment, disrupting others' sleep (work in progress on that front). Her phone has downtime at 11 pm on a school night, no downtime on the weekend. She calls her boyfriend on the phone after 11 on many nights; as long as she gets herself ready for school with no issues, I'll let it be.

Slavica · 06/07/2023 07:45

Redburnett · 06/07/2023 07:34

I have two lovely adult sons, both sensible and responsible. As teens one ignored every rule that we set, the other happily obeyed every rule we set - which wasn't many as we had given up after DS1. With hindsight I wish I had been less strict with DS1 and just focused on him staying safe and in touch with us.

Thank you so much for this, it gives me hope.

2boysandagirltoo · 06/07/2023 07:53

CeeceeBloomingdale · 06/07/2023 07:29

I don't set curfews for my 16yo, they don't need them as they are respectful and don't take the piss. The only rules are don't slouch and don't be a twat.

Mine would definitely break the don't be a twat rule!

Ifulikepinacoladas · 06/07/2023 07:55

Vague rules here that come and go 😄. DS15, mainly no PS4 til after dinner and home work. Dinner here us usually 7.30ish, so quite late. However as homework seems to have tailed off, that rule hasn't been enforced lately.
No set curfew time, but probably by 9.30ish on a school night. 10.30/11 at weekend if not coming home alone.
DS is doing well at school, is a pleasant and lovely boy so I guess more rules haven't been necessary....obviously he could also be leading a double life vaping or baking! But we'll have to trust him there.

Goldencup · 06/07/2023 08:02

2boysandagirltoo · 06/07/2023 06:19

@fast800slowmisery vaping.... damn autocorrect

There I was all excited.....

Balloonsandroses · 06/07/2023 08:23

My 16 y/o DD is a bit obsessed with baking things to take round to her friends - it was brownies earlier in the week now she’s planning a cheesecake for the weekend! No vaping that I know of though (and she’s very critical of those who do!)
We don’t have a specific curfew, mostly done on a case by case basis and often determined by the availability of public transport / how much energy one of us has to pick her up as we live in a small rural village with buses every 2 hours max. So far she is being a very reasonable pleasure about plans with her friends (touches wood)

Original poster
fast800slowmisery · 06/07/2023 12:09

Balloonsandroses · 06/07/2023 08:23

My 16 y/o DD is a bit obsessed with baking things to take round to her friends - it was brownies earlier in the week now she’s planning a cheesecake for the weekend! No vaping that I know of though (and she’s very critical of those who do!)
We don’t have a specific curfew, mostly done on a case by case basis and often determined by the availability of public transport / how much energy one of us has to pick her up as we live in a small rural village with buses every 2 hours max. So far she is being a very reasonable pleasure about plans with her friends (touches wood)

Not going to lie, I did think you meant weed brownies at first.

OP posts:
Original poster
fast800slowmisery · 06/07/2023 12:13

Well I spoke to him and said I think I need to adjust my expectations. 8pm on weeknights and 10:30pm on weekends with the expectation that he communicates where he is and answers his phone if called. Will adjust for summer. And keeps up with homework!

He said 'bet', so I think that went ok.

OP posts:
PomTiddlyPomPom · 06/07/2023 13:13

I have a 16 1/2 year old son and a 13 year old daughter.
I have never done 'curfew' as such mainly because my sons hobby has various finishing times even on school nights (just finished high school). It is pointless me saying he has to be home by 9pm when he is still at his hobby withhis peers at 9.30pm.
I do give lifts and pick him up if he is a distance away but if he is local he walks home (even in the dark).
My daughters hobby is further away so I will be taking her and collecting her for some time yet.
Oddly, even though I have never set a curfew my son will choose to be home by 9pm if he goes out with friends, my daughter would stay out later given the chance but she mainly has sleepovers at her friends house or they come to us so they are never out late.
I sound like a free range parent reading that back but I am not really! Most of my rules are around behaviour expected at home, being good at school and just generally being a decent human being.

coolcahuna · 06/07/2023 13:27

My son is 16, 17 in November. He tends to sleepover at mates rather than go out locally. So My rules are I need to know where he is, he replies to texts and calls. He had the odd drink but nothing wild.

Seriously79 · 06/07/2023 13:28

DS is 14.5 once he has done his jobs (put recycling out & emptied dishwasher) and his homework is done, he can go out/ to the gym.

Has to have helmet on when riding. Lights & hi vis coat in the dark.

He can go wherever he wants with his friends, but phone is always on.

If there is any silly behaviour things get out of hand, he is to walk away. If attacked/ mugged (extreme I know) he give his bike and phone up without a fight.

When he's told a time to be home by, he sticks to it.

Marblessolveeverything · 06/07/2023 13:32

I've a sensible 15 year old - so far! He attends some hobbies late enough or goes for a fum session late enough tends to be in by 1030pm during the week occasionally later at weekend if at cinema, pool or bowling etc.

He manages his homework, helps out and is open with where he is. Now don't get me wrong he can snap back or be rude the odd time, though its rare.

OP I really think it depends on the teen, plenty of my friends discuss this and honestly I think it's a mixture of them having an easier teenagerhood, maturity and their communication skills.

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