What do I do about other children commenting to my son about our family's financial situation?

[SpanglySpaniels]

I've name changed for this because it feels very exposing and quite embarrassing. DS is in Year 6 at a local village school and this has not been an issue before, we've always got on really well. He has SEN and, while academically okay, he's quite socially vulnerable and can be shy. He generally gets on okay with other kids, although can sometimes be socially 'clumsy'.

According to DS, a couple of the other children (and one in particular) have taken to commenting repeatedly about our financial situation. Basically it's, 'your mum and dad are rich.' 'you are going to the posh school' (he's joining an inclusive fee paying school in Year Seven), 'you live in the big house in X village' 'you go on posh holidays' and 'your're spoilt, you've got ponies' (his sister has two ponies and a grumpy, superannuated donkey). None of it is exactly untrue, but it's making DS feel really awkward and he does not know what to say in response. I suspect the other child (who has issues of his own) knows it makes DS uncomfortable and that's why he's doing it. DS has tried ignoring it, saying 'no I'm not, we are just normal' and claiming all three ponies are 'just donkeys' (huh?). DS insists he's not said anything to start these comments, they seem to have been triggered by 'next school' conversations.

What should I do to address this? Part of me wants to say it's part of life, there'll always be people like this, and they are best ignored (especially as there's only three weeks until the end of term). Part of me wonders if this is now slipping into bullying and whether his teacher needs to be involved (she's not aware). It's probably the most cringy conversation I'll ever have with a teacher (and that's saying something, given DD once pooed at the bottom of the slide at nursery) and I'm worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous in the context of the problems some other kids have.

Any ideas? And please no stealth boast accusations. DS is vulnerable, it's all a bit embarrassing and I just want to support him.

[Whataretheodds]

It's actually easier to agree than try to correct them.. "yeah, sure that's it" and then change the subject.

[MadamWhiteleigh]

Given there are three weeks left and he won’t be going back to school with these kids in September, I’d use it as a learning opportunity and a chance to build some resilience. Talk about why this kid might be saying these things, think up some responses and commiserate with him on what dicks some people can be.

[SpanglySpaniels]

Whataretheodds We've talked about trying that, but I'm not sure DS has the social skills to muster up the right tone of voice and I'm worried it will backfire!

[Plasticplantpot]

They’re jealous, plain and simple. Tell him to say that if they were nicer to him, they’d be able to come over and ride the ponies too 🤣

[SpanglySpaniels]

MadamWhiteleigh Thank you. That's what we've been trying to do so far. Only 15 days to go and we never have to see the little toad again!

[RudsyFarmer]

Well as it’s true you tell him to say ‘yes that’s right’ surely?

[Dacadactyl]

I'd just tell him "you've got 3 weeks left and then you never have to see these people again. Time to suck it up."

[SpanglySpaniels]

Plasticplantpot or the donkey if they aren't nice!

[AnythingMuppetTM]

I’d imagine the child is getting their views from the parents. I’m not sure how that helps you! It does sound like jealousy, which while not very attractive, is natural. It should be kept inside the family though.

Personally I’d tell the teacher without downplaying it by using the creaky pony bit. Your child is being bullied due to his family circumstances.

[RiseYpres]

I agree with the others. Tell him to just agree.

Also if you think he will understand tell him that there will always be people who have more than him and less than him and some might be jealous- as indeed he will no doubt be jealous of others at some point in the future. It's best to just shrug and ignore and to maybe be aware of what is motivating it.

Thats a hard lesson to absorb though... we sent outs to a fee paying school and i was the recipient of some nasty comments from extended family. To the extent I felt like I had to apologise for my own life. Finally I learned to just say ' yes, that's true and I am very lucky' and it worked. I was in my 40s when I learned that lesson though- it's harder when you are a little kid but is a good lesson to learn.

Your son should never apologise for who he is and what his situation is- no more than anyone else should apologise for the same.

[KirstenBlest]

I'd say 'Oh, are we/are they/am I? Thanks.' or 'What exactly do you get out of saying this?'

[Whataretheodds]

@SpanglySpaniels

Whataretheodds We've talked about trying that, but I'm not sure DS has the social skills to muster up the right tone of voice and I'm worried it will backfire!

Oh bless. That is a risk.

Do you think he might be able to do
"Are we? Oh cool, tell me more, do we have a private jet?"
Or
"Hmm that's interesting"
Or
"OK thanks for telling me"
Or just pretending not to hear and change the subject?

I had something similar aged 8 when we moved cities. I had never learned sarcasm and tried to reason with them. Did me no good.

[ASGIRC]

Id say "yup, thats true. Its great!"
What else can the other kid say to that? Hes trying to get a rise, but if he agrees and seems fine with it, theres no rise to be gotten!

[LadinLee]

This sounds like a child parroting what their parents are saying.I'd be inclined to let your son know that.

Can you encourage him to stay away from these particular children for the next couple of weeks until the end of term. Or if he is around them make sure they're involved in something like a game so less opportunity for gossip

[Lovingitallnow]

"Yeah, we're so lucky" every time.

[TakeMe2Insanity]

“and..?”
and they’ll probably come back with nothing!

[UndercoverCop]

Why is that so important to you? /Why are my family's circumstances so important to you?

Is a good response if the ignoring it, smile and nod etc hasn't worked

[GoldDuster]

@SpanglySpaniels

MadamWhiteleigh Thank you. That's what we've been trying to do so far. Only 15 days to go and we never have to see the little toad again!

A good time to teach the lesson that there's a dickhead everywhere you go, and rarely is it personal. Once these little toads are behind him, more will appear. Build resilience and self esteem, is what you do.

[SpanglySpaniels]

Thanks everyone. There are some helpful ideas here. We will have half an hour practising our comebacks later this evening :)

[SpanglySpaniels]

@GoldDuster

A good time to teach the lesson that there's a dickhead everywhere you go, and rarely is it personal. Once these little toads are behind him, more will appear. Build resilience and self esteem, is what you do.

That's true. I guess I've always been so alert to him being bullied for his SEN (he has a very obvious speech disorder) that I'm blindsided for him being picked on for being the posh kid!

[peachicecream]

Part of me wants to say it's part of life, there'll always be people like this, and they are best ignored (especially as there's only three weeks until the end of term).

As it's 3 weeks to the end of term I'd trust your instinct on this one and use it as an opportunity for him to build resilience. I wouldn't go to the teacher at this stage unless it really tips into emotional distress, crying after school, not wanting to go in etc.

[RiseYpres]

@SpanglySpaniels

Thanks everyone. There are some helpful ideas here. We will have half an hour practising our comebacks later this evening :)

Practicing is a great idea. When my DS was younger he was obsessed with sequins (pink ones) and he was bullied mercifully by the sporty popular boy and we practiced him saying with an air of scorn ; 'Thank you for your comment. It is really NONE of your business. '

Did the job.

[DancesWithFelines]

Reminded me of a time when DD gave me the address of her friend’s house (for drop off to a sleepover) and I blurted out “oh wow, X road, they must be rich!” As the houses down there are about £2million each. And DD went and told her friend what I had said, the friend said she was trying to keep it a secret but that, yes, they were rich.

I was mortified but neither DD or I meant any harm by it.

Calling someone spoilt isn’t nice though, but again they may be parroting what a parent has said.

We have a mix of students at our secondary, I have also heard of kids being mocked for being in social housing/not being able to afford school trips.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

They’re kids, not “dickheads.” Kids notice wealth. They also aren’t yet old enough to have learned that in the UK it’s considered rude and weird and embarrassing to ask someone about or talk about someone’s money, that wealthy people are supposed to pretend they’re just average, and their friends are supposed to pretend along with them.

Your DS is clearly sensitive about it, but involving teachers seems like overkill. What can the teacher do? She can’t easily tell children they must pretend they haven’t noticed that one of their classmates has lots of nice things when they aren’t aware of etiquette around being vocal about other people’s nice things and see them as desirable rather than something to keep quiet about.

[TheDuchessOfMN]

I would speak to the teacher, especially as your son has SN and you’ve described him as vulnerable. I would nip it in the bud before it escalates.