What do I do about other children commenting to my son about our family's financial situation?

[SpanglySpaniels]

I've name changed for this because it feels very exposing and quite embarrassing. DS is in Year 6 at a local village school and this has not been an issue before, we've always got on really well. He has SEN and, while academically okay, he's quite socially vulnerable and can be shy. He generally gets on okay with other kids, although can sometimes be socially 'clumsy'.

According to DS, a couple of the other children (and one in particular) have taken to commenting repeatedly about our financial situation. Basically it's, 'your mum and dad are rich.' 'you are going to the posh school' (he's joining an inclusive fee paying school in Year Seven), 'you live in the big house in X village' 'you go on posh holidays' and 'your're spoilt, you've got ponies' (his sister has two ponies and a grumpy, superannuated donkey). None of it is exactly untrue, but it's making DS feel really awkward and he does not know what to say in response. I suspect the other child (who has issues of his own) knows it makes DS uncomfortable and that's why he's doing it. DS has tried ignoring it, saying 'no I'm not, we are just normal' and claiming all three ponies are 'just donkeys' (huh?). DS insists he's not said anything to start these comments, they seem to have been triggered by 'next school' conversations.

What should I do to address this? Part of me wants to say it's part of life, there'll always be people like this, and they are best ignored (especially as there's only three weeks until the end of term). Part of me wonders if this is now slipping into bullying and whether his teacher needs to be involved (she's not aware). It's probably the most cringy conversation I'll ever have with a teacher (and that's saying something, given DD once pooed at the bottom of the slide at nursery) and I'm worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous in the context of the problems some other kids have.

Any ideas? And please no stealth boast accusations. DS is vulnerable, it's all a bit embarrassing and I just want to support him.

Could he summon a "yes, we are seriously richer than yow"

I think tone is everything here and as your son has SEN and struggles socially, is it possible that the kids are more excited/ curious about his life rather than bullying him?

I was poor growing up and I would have been really curious about someone who went on nice holidays and had a pony.

I may be way off the mark but thought it was worth considering it before speaking to the teacher.

I think the best response he could give is 'yeah, I'm really lucky'. It's true and not arrogant.

Surprised he hasn't come across this before really.

I wouldn't worry about smart comebacks, just get him to say "yes you're right" or possibly "yes, I'm very lucky".

@ComtesseDeSpair at 11 they definitely are old enough to know it’s rude

they are jealous
we had the same with DD, to the point where other girls asked “where did you went on holiday?” And after she replied, they told her “you don’t have to show off”
was equally heart breaking and lovely when she moved schools and came back saying “mum I’m normal, feels so nice”
not that our holidays are that expensive, but we do like to travel, are lucky we can save money and spend a lot of time figuring out how to make our budget work - we travel low cost / economy and half the time we pay with points
our to go answers were
ok, and?
yes I’m lucky
But, “ok, and?” Repeat non stop seem to annoy them more / makes them go away
is 3 weeks, tell him to hang in there, there’s light at the end of the tunnel

I definitely didn’t know ahead of my teens that it was rude. Rude to comment about somebody being poor certainly, because obviously nobody wants people around them to notice and comment that they are poor. But having money and loads of nice stuff and your friends knowing it and wishing they did so isn’t something kids think is embarrassing.

OP this happened me at school. We were "posh" according to the other kids. Kids went on about it. I just scooted over it, feeling different and awkward. It would flare up, for example, a few months of being called Prudence lol (said in a posh voice).

I went to grammar school where there were more kids like me. The end.

In retrospect, compared to most of those kids, I was posh. We were (lower) middle class in a predominantly blue collar/wc rural village. The kids made ne feel different. I was. But only a bit. Annoying.

I wouldn't give it too much thought as your kid is moving schools. With my own kids I just talk about how every family is different. That's why we don't have a caravan, or 2 dads, or a Porsche etc. Just keep it simple!

Yes but OP has said that she feels that is being said to make her ds feel uncomfortable. That is veering into bullying territory, so I think the teacher should at least be made aware

Discuss why children might make such comments. Include jealousy but also discuss how some people have very little so he's also lucky you aren't in that position. Discuss how education buys choices....basically just use it as a trigger for a conversation.

You need to build resilience as I suspect the fee paying school will be far worse! He may, depending on exactly your position, find himself with friends who have 3 racehorses and a donkey sanctuary on their land.

@ComtesseDeSpair I wasn't referring to these particular children as dickheads, but rather less literally putting forth the notion that "there's a dickhead everywhere you go" which is helpful to remember, because just as some 11 year olds will find a reason to take the piss, so will some teenagers, and some adults. Helpful to keep it in perspective and manage your own reaction, rather than thinking one can stop it forever by asking a teacher to deal with it.

(Some 11 year olds are totally dickheads though.)

Meh, we've had this as well. Definitely not posh but have ponies and went on holiday quite a bit when dd was younger. Went to a normal primary with a mix of kids. When she got to secondary in a much more mixed area she was just a 'normal' kid by then. 3 weeks to go, it's a lesson in resilience. I'd just get him to say something along the lines of 'ponies don't cost much to be honest, they eat mainly grass and granny pays for holidays and my school, mum and dad are just normal'.

Or along the lines of PP and say 'yeah, that's right' and walk away. He will always be confronted with different financial situations. We are very working class, dd is currently at Durham uni, mainly quite affluent people. She's managing by not pretending she can keep up financially with the very affluent.

I think that's a bit of a worry. Apparently one particular child has been making comments most days over the past couple of weeks. That's more than curiosity or commenting. It feels quite targeted, and I'd be amazed if he didn't know it was rude. When I asked DS if he wanted me to speak with his teacher about it, he said, 'I don't know.' I'm happy to come up with strategies together and to encourage him to shake it off, but I would hate to think he's perceiving himself as being bullied and me not doing anything about it. On the other hand, DS is quite popular in the class among the 'cooler' boys (he can't play football but he is a really funny guy) and he mentioned to me earlier that a couple have stood up for him and told the other kid what he's saying isn't cool.

He was picked on a few times when he first joined the school in Year Two (for his speech disorder) and although that blew over, it was upsetting that he didn't feel able to tell me about it (another child told their mum), and it's quite a big thing that he's mentioned this.

"Do you have a problem with that?"

A very good response would be to laugh at this kid and ask "why do you care, are you jealous?"

Only three weeks to go.

Our Secondary School DC responds by laughing and then ignoring.

Our Primary School DC says ‘Yes, it’s great!’ and also tells some people to mind their own business!

I guess this is one of those where even if your minted it's better to try to give the perspectives that your average rather than minted

Another thing to do is some kind of comparison. We like our holidays but don’t get takeout. DD’s friend’s family get takeout multiple times a week. We did a crude calculation and worked out that their habit over a year totaled what we’d spend on a fortnight in the sun. Made it a lesson on different people’s priorities.

😜😜😜
Do that if he has the character!
'Yow' as indicated haha
I come from the city that made that!

If they say 'you've got ponies' he could say 'no I don't, they are my sister's'.

This is a great thing to do on occasion. I went out with my cousin and her DH for brunch once. It cost over £60 for them alone as they had bucks fizz and bloody marys. They do that every single sunday at the same place. As a rough guide that was about what we spent on an AI for a week in Greece. There was a comment at some point about how they could not afford a holiday that year and I recall marvelling at the idea of a couple hundred pounds a month on eggs benedict but never actually mentally followed that through to think about it in terms of a holiday comparator.

A group of kids in the village were quite unpleasant to me at this sort of age. I remember some insult about being a 'posh ' (can't actually remember the second word but it wasn't nice!). It felt personal and I thought they were being critical of me.

Now that I look back I feel ashamed that I wasn't more aware of how good my childhood was and how much we had, and how obvious it was to these kids that I had a lot more than them in terms of stuff that money buys.

I wish when I'd told my DM that these kids were shouting stuff at me as I walked past, that she might have sat down with me and helped me to see that it wasn't me as a person they had a problem with but that with the 'posh' insult it was because it grated on them how much more I had.

(We weren't super rich or anything but big houses/gardens stuck out a bit in that particular village).

I think this is the simplest response, especially for a child with SEN if that SEN impacts social situations.