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Original poster

Please help me share a bed with my husband again!

27 replies

DelilahBucket · 01/07/2023 08:20

Nearly three years ago DH started snoring a lot. I was being woken every 20 minutes or so and was on my knees with exhaustion. After 18 months of it getting worse we bought a second bed and started sleeping separately because I couldn't take it anymore, although it was me that took the spare room initially. We swapped a few months later because I wasn't sleeping in the spare room either. I then settled into a regular sleep routine and that was from last summer.
In between all that he was back and forth from the doctors, diagnosed with a deviated septum, and earlier this year, finally had it operated on.
His snoring has pretty much stopped now, he doesn't get infections every two minutes, so we've been trying to bed share again. Unfortunately night time anxiety kicks in for me and I just lie there, wide awake until the early hours when he reluctantly slopes off to the spare room again. Every little snuffle, I'm just waiting for the snoring to start. How on earth do I break this cycle? I normally have good sleep hygiene, regular bed time and wake time, no caffeine, screens etc. I've tried a myriad of things, many in desperation, from going to bed exhausted to the point I'm asleep on the sofa by 8pm, drinking large amounts of alcohol (I got 45 minutes and then was awake again), and last night I tried Nytol (the antihistamine one). Nothing works, I just lie there. Nytol was the worst, I was on the precipice of sleep all night but every time I started to actually fall asleep I would wake again. Even after DH went to the spare room at 2am I tossed and turned for the rest of the night.
I just want something that will knock me out to get over the initial few nights but I need to be able to function as we have busy lives.
Has anyone been through this?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 01/07/2023 08:22

Have you tried listening to a sleep mediation on headrace or calm using earbuds?

Wallywobbles · 01/07/2023 08:23

Ear plugs and lots of sex. Sorry sounds trite but wanting to be there touching him will help and you need the hormones to kick in.

I use over the counter sleeping pills from Spain or France. And you can order from USA.

I come from a family of non sleepers as this is what works for me.

Original poster
DelilahBucket · 01/07/2023 08:30

I've tried this kind of thing previously and it doesn't work for me. Usually I just read a book and it sends me straight off.

OP posts:

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Sleep
bindleoffun · 01/07/2023 08:33

Night nurse always knocks me out flat

Thistlelass · 01/07/2023 08:33

There is an NHS app called Sleepio you could take a look at. It kind of sounds like anxiety is helping keep you awake so a consultation with your Doctor might be worthwhile. You could explain your situation and they might prescribe you a weeks worth of Zopiclone. Good luck. I have been experiencing this for about 5 months but mine is very definitely linked to mental health issues.

Original poster
DelilahBucket · 01/07/2023 08:34

I can't wear earplugs, they hurt my ears, and I've tried a lot of different ones. He doesn't snore now though.
Sex has the opposite effect for me, adrenaline keeps me awake. I also think that because of the circumstances with not bed sharing, we've not been having sex at bed time, but then laying in bed afterwards still awake has had a psychological effect on me associating laying in bed together with not sleeping (similar to the effect of having a TV in your room or always sending a child to their bedroom when they are naughty).
I do hear what you are saying about the intimacy thing though.

OP posts:
Original poster
DelilahBucket · 01/07/2023 08:35

Thank you, yes it is anxiety keeping me awake. Hope you can beat your sleep issues soon.

OP posts:
Hazelnuttella · 01/07/2023 08:36

Why do you want to sleep in the same bed? If it’s just because society expects it then that’s not a good reason.

DH and I usually start in the same bed and end up in different ones. We just sleep better that way.

It’s much harder to fall asleep next to an already sleeping person than it is to fall asleep in an empty room. I read once that it’s because if you’re the last one awake you’re evolutionarily programmed to be “on guard”. I think my guard dog genes are particularly strong.

coffeeschmoffee · 01/07/2023 08:38

Try 2 beds in the same room maybe? That works best for me, I can't sleep with someone right next to me. I also just lie awake for hours

bumblebee2235 · 01/07/2023 08:39

I'm hopeless at sharing a bed, always have been.. I try a bit in the room, then move to spare and do the same each night. Some nights I manage till 3am, some a night, sometimes not at all.. but it eases me in. We got a really comfy mattress, summer duvet, one of those salt lamps with a dial for a warm slight glow and I have a fan on my side for a breeze and background noise. Basically anything possible to make it a relaxing space for me haha

tackling · 01/07/2023 08:39

Night nurse?

Original poster
DelilahBucket · 01/07/2023 08:39

Hazelnuttella · 01/07/2023 08:36

Why do you want to sleep in the same bed? If it’s just because society expects it then that’s not a good reason.

DH and I usually start in the same bed and end up in different ones. We just sleep better that way.

It’s much harder to fall asleep next to an already sleeping person than it is to fall asleep in an empty room. I read once that it’s because if you’re the last one awake you’re evolutionarily programmed to be “on guard”. I think my guard dog genes are particularly strong.

We need the spare bedroom back as I need to move my business back home!

OP posts:
Original poster
DelilahBucket · 01/07/2023 08:41

coffeeschmoffee · 01/07/2023 08:38

Try 2 beds in the same room maybe? That works best for me, I can't sleep with someone right next to me. I also just lie awake for hours

Not got the space for two beds unfortunately but it's more being on guard waiting for snoring that is the issue, rather than actually being in the same bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
DelilahBucket · 01/07/2023 08:42

tackling · 01/07/2023 08:39

Night nurse?

If Nytol didn't break the cycle of anxiety I'm not convinced Night Nurse will. I need to be knocked out rather than just sedated I think!

OP posts:
Kilopascal · 01/07/2023 08:43

I’m envious of your spare room. We resorted to a small double and a single bed in the same room, so that it isn’t every tiny movement that wakes me up.

Very, very occasionally we start off in the same bed and actually both fall asleep. DH would undoubtedly prefer it that way, but is prepared to do anything that makes me less of a sleepless raging wreck by morning.

Hohofortherobbers · 01/07/2023 08:44

There's a headband, eye mask thing on amazon which has blue tooth speakers in it, so you can listen to meditative sounds without anything in your ears, could that help?

Whataretheodds · 01/07/2023 08:45

If you can't wear earbuds and he's already asleep can you get away with playing something on your phone quietly?

DeeCeeCherry · 01/07/2023 08:49

You dont want to share a bed with your husband. You need to stay in the spare room although of course you know best whether he would be amenable to that and how it could impact your marriage.

Every and any solution anyone comes up with on here, you will come up with a reason as to why it won't work. What will work is, admitting you prefer to remain in spare room and then exploring how that can happen.

I hate sharing a bed so mostly I just don't.

Sadmadsleepy · 01/07/2023 09:01

If not already, try some sort of sleep track, guided meditation, white noise etc. something for your brain to focus on rather than listening out for DH.

Medication wise…you could speak to your gp if it carries on. I had anxiety based insomnia when my DD was a baby and would lie there awake for hours even after she was asleep. They prescribed me a mild sleeping pill (think it was actually a relaxant rather than a proper sleeping pill) to get me over the habit of not sleeping. Could only use for 2-3 days at a time. Completely knocked me out (although was still able to wake if baby cried plus DH was in the house before anyone panics about that!). Can’t remember the name now.

UltraProcessedPerson · 01/07/2023 09:03

Been there OP!

I found what was really helpful to me was just telling myself it was ok if I didn’t sleep. I’d be fine the next day, and if the worst happened, I could get up and go to the spare room myself / sleep on the sofa. That helped take some of the anxiety away so I could drift off.

also, try going to bed before him.

another one to try is not deciding on if he’s coming to bed or not, so hopefully by the time you’ve noticed he’s slipped in, it’s a roll over and back to sleep kinda thing.

white noise is also helpful. It’s hot right now so maybe a fan?

IseeBrigadoon · 01/07/2023 09:07

Try hypnotherapy. A few sessions with a qualified/reputable therapist will help. Medication will not break this cycle for you, because you will then associate taking medication with sleep, so when you don’t take it you will not sleep again. It’s awful, been there! I sympathise.

Libre2 · 01/07/2023 09:08

We always sleep separately- even after sex. We have just decided it works better as I don’t sleep at all well - my poor DH only breathes, he doesn’t even snore and me hissing at him “stop breathing” was not doing wonders for our marriage. I am not sure if it is related but we are the only ones of our friends still happy together after 20 years… Can you not try a day bed in the spare room if you need an office look in there?

user1472831787898898868876 · 01/07/2023 09:18

Hazelnuttella · 01/07/2023 08:36

Why do you want to sleep in the same bed? If it’s just because society expects it then that’s not a good reason.

DH and I usually start in the same bed and end up in different ones. We just sleep better that way.

It’s much harder to fall asleep next to an already sleeping person than it is to fall asleep in an empty room. I read once that it’s because if you’re the last one awake you’re evolutionarily programmed to be “on guard”. I think my guard dog genes are particularly strong.

This has made me feel so much better this morning! I absolutely cannot fall asleep when DH is already asleep next to me. He has to make sure I'm asleep first otherwise I just lie there wide awake and start panicking. I always thought I was being completely ridiculous but I can't help it.
Last night he was tired and asleep immediately so I took myself off to the spare room and managed to get off to sleep fine. I keep thinking I should just make that my room.

ThisWOMANWontWheesht · 01/07/2023 09:29

Been in the same situation OP, but seem to have it sorted now.

I use earplugs, but if you find those uncomfortable you should use the wax ones: they don't go inside the ear, just stick over the opening, completely comfortable.

Not sure how old you are, but HRT certainly helped sort out my anxiety, along with magnesium. Try magnesium at least.

Quit the heavy drinking!

Read a good book in bed last thing to relax you.

Finally what helped me most was exercise. I run on the treadmill (almost) every day now and the difference it has made to my sleep (as well as wellbeing and contentedness) is huge.

Good luck.

Bluebells1970 · 01/07/2023 09:42

DH haven't shared a bed now for years. He's got restless legs and has terrible habits of getting up/eating/drinking. If he sleeps for 4 hours a night he's had a good night - and interestingly was why the cardiologist thought his heart was constantly going into afib. He won't even consider trying to break the cycle, so he sleeps in the spare room. I was literally falling apart at the seams with tiredness as I have a long term head injury and not sleeping makes my head feel like it's stuffed with cotton wool. We have been married 30 years and were on the verge of divorce over it. There's a reason why sleep deprivation is used as torture.

I would find a solution around your spare room that allows for one of you to still sleep in it. A futon chair? Day bed? Sofa bed?