Don't want to scatter my sisters ashes. WWYD?

[Happinessischeeseontoast]

We are scattering my sisters ashes next month which will be one year since she died. It was initially just immediate family going but now a fair few of the extended family and friends are going too.

I've not really grieved properly. I don't cope well with talking about it and so I don't. I know I am going to be absolutely hysterical scattering the ashes and I just don't want to go. I want to be alone to deal with it rather than a spectacle that my lovely parents have to comfort when they should be able to have their own moment. And I'm conscious of looking like a drama queen to everyone else - my parents and other family are heartbroken but stoic and I'm just a big screeching mess.

I know that it would look absolutely shit if I don't go and I don't know what to do.

I would talk to your parents. If you were my daughter I'd come up with a solution you felt comfortable with. Sorry for your loss. I do think it's important to talk about your sister because with grief the best thing to do is make room for it, so all the lovely memories don't get pushed away to cope.

My sincerest condolences.

I don't know what advice to give you, but I want to say that it is OK to be a big screeching mess.
And that you don't know for sure how stoic your parents will be.

OP I am so so sorry for your loss 💐
.. I have lost a sister too and know the heartbreak!
You are absolutely allowed to feel the way you do . Everyone grieves differently. A year is hardly any time. Talk to your parents.

Don't worry about how others percieve you at this special ceromony. Everyone expresses grief in their own way, some bottle it up because they might be embarrased, while others are more open. It will be a time when you all will be together. This can offer a deep meaningful connection with loved ones in the midst of grief.

Sorry for your loss x

I will try with my mum but I know for sure my dad would be disappointed. Maybe I just need to work on my grief on the run up and try to 'empty' myself a bit.

I think I just pretend it's not happened. When I visit my parents and they mention her it feels like a punch in the stomach as all week I've just been focusing on other things. I usually well up and go to the bathroom until it's out my system, come back down and talk about something else. But it's every time. And if I think about her if I'm out or driving it immediately sets me off. I don't know how to get to the bit where your can talk about memories.

Is it normal to have lots of people attend to scatter ashes or is it normally more private?

No one will think you a drama queen, you have suffered a devastating loss.
However you behave at the ceremony will be perfectly acceptable, you may be surprised that you react differently than you expect when the event actually occurs. I think you do need to attend to help with your grieving process.
So sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss. Please talk to your parents about how you are feeling.

Did your sister leave instructions at all?
Our daughter died 2 1/2 years ago and so I completely understand. Her sister is struggling but tries to hide it from us and tries to support us.

Our vicar had said it was fine to split the ashes so her fiancé and lots of her friends travelled to a special place to them to scatter some.

We got a very large garden trug I painted and decorated the top with colourful stones metal flowers other outdoor items representing her. Very bright colours which she loved.
We scattered her ashes in there with some sand just privately in our garden with our daughter and her husband. We just said some things to her and played some songs. Cried with our arms round each other.

There is a sibling support group online I know my daughter hasn’t accessed it.
Thinking of you.

https://siblinggriefclub.com/

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Of course you are grieving properly. You are still feeling sad and overwhelmed at Tim's because it's very dad and very overwhelming. Just because people can talk about loved ones who have died it doesn't mean they are grieving in a good way. Everyone is different. You just grieve the way you grieve.

I haven't even cried about my lovely dad who died a couple of years ago. We didn't have a funeral or a service of any kind. I miss him and it makes me said I can't chat to him (or have my toes rubbed by him 😅) but it doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong. Some friends were a bit surprised I haven't let it all out but I don't won't to. It's not my way of doing things.

Could you meet up at the spot beforehand? Or afterwards?

What do you really want to do? If you don't want to go then don't go. It's whatever is best for you.

Have you got anyone in real life you could chat to about it?

So sorry for the typos. I should have checked my post especially with such a difficult subject

People express grief differently and that's OK. I was bawling my eyes our at my friends scattering, her family and friends barely flinched. To me that was strange. I wouldn't feel bad or uncomfortable about it, agree with PP, talk to your parents about it. Don't go if you don't want to, go if you do and don't worry about what anyone else thinks

I think you're right about the approach to "empty" the grief, for lack of a better phrase. Have a few good cries about it, look at photos of her, chat to her, write her a letter telling her how much you miss her. Hopefully you will be less of a screeching mess on the day.

Regardless of this ceremony, you do need to process this grief and hiding away from it means it's just going to hit you at times when you least expect it.

I'd go to the Dr and see if you can have something prescribed for the day, maybe with a dose to take before hand so you know if there are any side effects.

I've got a small pot of a close relatives ashes. I didn't go to the scattering.

I think you need to start talking about her and crying about her. Holding it in didn't help.

Ultimately though, she was your sister. If you want to go to the ceremony then don't care whose there or how you react. It might be the release you need xx

Hmm I'm concerned about you "pretending it's not happened ".

Grief is horribly painful but can have physical and mental consequences if its suppressed, and I fear you have been doing just that.

I think you would be wise to get some grief counselling. I think you're stuck in the Denial stage.

Could you and your parents do the scattering privately and then meet the extended family and friends for a memorial/celebration of her life later on? When we scattered my dad’s ashes it was just immediate family.

Can you talk to your parents about how you’re feeling? So sorry for your loss 💐

I like this idea. It might be worth checking in with your parents about whether they’re happy with the scattering involving so many people. It may be that they’d also prefer it to be just immediate family in which case you can do that and have a get together with friends later. I think these things sometimes snowball because everyone wants to be supportive but it’s not always the right approach.

Why was it strange - because they weren't expressing their grief in the same way you were? The deepest feelings often show themselves in silence and there is nothing strange about it. If you ever, god forbid, lost a child you might better understand love's austere and lonely offices.

OP, there is nothing wrong or strange about how anyone grieves, it is a hard, lonely and personal emotion. I think it is right for you to share your fears with your parents, but I also think you need to be there for them and to support each other as a family. Do not worry about your behaviour, no one should judge as they will all be dealing with their own pain in their own ways.

Who cares what everyone else thinks. Maybe you could put some of her ashes in a necklace and hold it whilst the others are scattered, envision she is there holding your hand might help

I didn't go to my Dads. Like you it was a year or so later.
I just saw it as twisting the knife. Hard enough to get through the funeral. I was in no place to go through it again, so I didn't.

Listen to yourself. Ashes/scattering isn't for everyone. In fact I ticked the box not to have them for the grandparents.

I can't let go of my dad's ashes I have his after a whole year. I feel like I should scatter them but then again I'm just going to keep them for now anyway. Maybe you could ask for a little bit of your sister's ashes to put to a company that makes them into jewellery? A ring 💍 or something? Sorry for your loss btw xx

@HeadNorth I believe @Startwithamimosa meant that she found her reaction strange.
It's also quite cultural and generational how we grieve. I have sadly been to a lot of funerals recently. There is a marked difference between the older generation who tend to be much more stoic and the younger (under 55) who tend to be more demonstrative. Neither is wrong.
@Happinessischeeseontoast
Absolutely nothing wrong about being a crying mess. I would speak to your parents about it beforehand and explain that you are likely to be very emotional. As for anyone else everybody else, it really doesn't matter what they think.

Everybody grieves differently, there isn't a right or wrong way.
Please talk to your parents, I would hate DD to be suffering and hiding it from me. You can then discuss the arrangements and find a way that is the most comfortable for everyone.
Nobody would judge you for showing emotion at such an occasion.
Would bringing a friend there to support you be a solution? This would take the pressure off you worrying you will take away from your parents moment.

I totally agree with @SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress , you don't have to go and especially not if you can't cope with it.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Scattering ashes is whatever the nearest and dearest want, lots of people, just a few, just one person.
Anniversaries are hard, the run up to them ( I’ve found) is always worse than the day itself.
You could stay at home and do your own little goodbye by lighting candles. Or scattering flower petals. You can do whatever you want.
Do you have a partner or very close friend who could go with you, stay 5 minutes and slip away with you? Do what is least distressing for you, there is enough distress in bereavement.