Don't want to scatter my sisters ashes. WWYD?

[Happinessischeeseontoast]

We are scattering my sisters ashes next month which will be one year since she died. It was initially just immediate family going but now a fair few of the extended family and friends are going too.

I've not really grieved properly. I don't cope well with talking about it and so I don't. I know I am going to be absolutely hysterical scattering the ashes and I just don't want to go. I want to be alone to deal with it rather than a spectacle that my lovely parents have to comfort when they should be able to have their own moment. And I'm conscious of looking like a drama queen to everyone else - my parents and other family are heartbroken but stoic and I'm just a big screeching mess.

I know that it would look absolutely shit if I don't go and I don't know what to do.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve. No one will condemn you for it. Anyone who's lost someone knows and understands the pain.
Are you ready for this ceremony? Could you delay it til her next anniversary. For a few years my mum kept her dad's ashes in the garage next to my dad's toolbox. She used to go in there with a little milkmaid's stool and chat with him. 😊

Really, it's whatever feels right for you and I'm sure your mum and dad will want to do whatever will make you cope better.

For some people the severe grief takes longer than the 13 months that is usually quoted.
It did me. Sisters death hit me harder than my Father's. Also I could not face it with others. It seemed as if it would be a replay of the funeral.
So I insisted and took them and poured them into a small river by myself. It was secluded no one saw it.
Please try and negotiate something different for yourself. Another 3 months perhaps.

IME a year is no time at all to have moved through the grieving process. It’s 3 years since my mum died and I think I only properly started to deal with the most difficult emotions about 9 months after she’d gone, and the darkest times were definitely throughout the second year.

So don’t be hard on yourself, or think that you’re being somehow too messy or ‘hysterical’ - these are your deeply felt expressions of grief for your dear sister, and there’s no right or wrong way for you to behave. It’s different for everyone in how it manifests and how much time it takes to move through the worst of it.
And talking to people close to you can often feel harder than talking to strangers, so it’s not unnatural that you shy away from discussing your feelings with your parents.

I’m sure you have been a great support for them, but at some point you have to focus on your own grieving. I definitely had to detach from my dad for a bit - focusing on mitigating his pain meant I wasn’t dealing with my own and it made me ill. If the scattering is going to be too much for you, you need to gently step back for your own sake.

Would you and your parents consider separating a tiny portion of your sister’s ashes for you to scatter at a later date when you feel up to it? On the day itself, as people have suggested, you could light a candle and do something small and meaningful for your sister. It might also be a good day to spend alone, try to think about her and let your emotions run free. It’s terrible and painful, but it’s necessary.

If you feel you’re not coping, could you access some help? Cruse are a good resource for support and information.

Eventually I hope you’ll find some peace - you never ‘get over’ it, but you can become more comfortable co-existing with your grief; it can become a quiet background hum rather than something that consumes you 💐

I don't know how to get to the bit where your can talk about memories.

It’s time - just time. And 12 months is no time at all.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I would also be a mess if I lost my sister.

It’s completely normal to well up at the mention of her. That’s OK. You’re OK, you’re normal.

Honestly, it’s no time at all. And it’s OK to cry.

I think the best you can do here is be honest with your parents that you’re going to find it really hard, in front of all the people, but you don’t want them to worry about you.

I’d also echo what other posters have said about the run-up to anniversaries, particularly the first one. It’s a rally difficult time. It’s a huge ask of yourself to be scattering ashes publicly after 12 months. It’s not you being a mess. These times are hard.

I think that you have been brave coming on here and talking about it and I think that you realise that your way of dealing with things (not talking about it) isn't necessarily that helpful for you. It's ok as a short term strategy but not great in the long term. I think that it is time for you to start opening up a little more about your feelings to friends and family. Can you separately scatter some ashes on another occasion at the same location?

I am so sorry your lost your dear sister, and a year is no time at all. When my mum died I found the run up to her first anniversary an awful lot harder than the actual day itself. I think of my mum every day anyway so really it was just another day.

Re the scattering of the ashes, can you talk to your parents and say that mentally you cannot cope with a big gathering so could you maybe have a small part of the ashes to do something with yourself. I had some of my dads ashes made into a tattoo, so he is always with me.

I know grief presents itself differently in everyone and there is no right or wrong but at my mums funeral my sister (who cannot cope with emotional trauma) was a screeching hysterical mess and it was awful. I honestly think she should have held it together for the sake of my dad, her kids rather than throwing herself on the floor screaming. I am sure you wouldnt behave like that but honestly, if you really cannot cope with the thought of it then a more private gathering would be much better for you and I am sure your parents would understand.

P.s. I am sorry for your loss. I am in the process of losing my sister and it is horrible.

It's not right to think that the only correct way to grieve is to let it all out and cry. For plenty of people being quiet and reserved is the 'right' way.

Grieving takes a long time. For losing a child I've seen at least ten years quoted as the adjustment period. One of my parents lost a sibling 49 years ago and cannot speak about it to any significant degree even now. Pain is pain. We don't make it better by trying not to feel it. It just bloody hurts and the pain has to become part of your life like the love was, I think talking to your parents is a good idea. They need to know your heart and you need to know theirs. What you all share is clearly having loved a very important and vital person and rightly her loss is immense. Being there for the ashes would probably help you adjust to the loss because mourning rituals do that, it just helps. But it's sad and messy at the time.