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Original poster

DH away for DD 16th birthday

30 replies

FishGottaSwim · 26/06/2023 17:57

Am not feeling up to AIBU but wanted to canvass opinions as I've lost all perspective.

DD is 16 soon (on a saturday) and DH will be away with a group doing a hobby all that weekend, leaving Fri, back Sun.

Incidentally I'm also now having an op on the Weds before (gall bladder out)!

Months ago DD was hoping to go with DH but doesn't want to now for various very legitimate reasons.

He's grudgingly said he won't go if my op is difficult and I need looking after, but he wouldn't do this in a loving way, but in a low level grumpy way.

I don't know , I just wish he would decide not to go so he could see DD on her birthday!! It breaks my heart a bit to be honest.

Am I stupid here!!

OP posts:
AM08 · 26/06/2023 18:03

Just an opinion but I feel like you have every right to be upset for him going when your post op and it’s a big day for your family.

I had an incident where DH was scheduled to be away on 2 lads trips over a really important period for us medically and I just was honest about the second trip feeling like too much and he huffed and puffed for a few days but did agree and then afterwards said he felt like it was for the best but he needed someone to spell that out for him. I wish he could have come to the conclusion on his own.

INeedAnotherName · 26/06/2023 18:08

Who the fuck books a jolly away from their child on their birthday? I couldn't forgive that. It's not like he wasn't aware when it was Angry

Hbh17 · 26/06/2023 18:10

It's fine. Surely most 16 year olds only want to see their friends on their birthday and really don't care whether their parents are around? And it's just a day - it's not that important.

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Families
Chowtime · 26/06/2023 18:10

Had your DD agreed to go with him when he booked it?

INeedAnotherName · 26/06/2023 18:11

Sorry OP, I was too cross about DD. Your operation and recovery is just another level of fuck you to his family. You need looking after, and you both need to feel like he actually cares about either of you.

Hope your operation goes well and your recovery is quick, and Happy Birthdsy to DD FlowersCake

CheshireCats · 26/06/2023 18:13

I also think it's fine re. 16 yr old's birthday. She will want to see her friends surely?
Re. Your op -,will you need looking after by the weekend? I am not familiar with recovery time for that operation. If you will be able to potter about and look after yourself, then I don't see a problem with him going.

Doggymummar · 26/06/2023 18:16

It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but you have to put it amongst the rest of his behaviour and make your own judgement

Wellgoodforyou · 26/06/2023 18:19

My children would have been out with friends on their 16th .

InTheGardenShed · 26/06/2023 18:22

I also think it's fine

She will be busy with her own stuff!

WeWereInParis · 26/06/2023 18:23

The birthday thing wouldn't bother me at all. It was booked when your DD was hoping to be going with him, if I've understood? If she's changed her mind, I can understand him not wanting to cancel.

Not being around after your operation when you may need help would piss me off (I'll caveat that with I've no experience of an operation and don't know what the recovery from this one specifically may be like so it might be that you're fine), as would his huffy attitude to cancelling if you need him.

HandInMine · 26/06/2023 18:26

Was it initially booked for hour daughter as well then?

Regardless, there’s no way me or my partner would choose to go away on our kids birthdays unless they were older, moved out and doing their own thing.

The fact you’re going to be recently post OP and is still begrudging being home makes me think he’s a complete selfish arse.

Original poster
FishGottaSwim · 26/06/2023 18:27

It great to hear all the different views thanks everyone. I think the poster who said it's all about the normal pattern of behaviour has it right. Thanks

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 26/06/2023 18:36

He sounds very selfish, I hope your op goes well and a swift recovery.

nealjacob53 · 26/06/2023 18:41

when i had my gallbladder out i flew over to spain 2 days later, i think you will be fine.

Chocolateship · 26/06/2023 18:44

Even if DD will be out and about with friends it'd surely be nice to see her dad at least for part of the day. 16 feels like quite a big milestone at that age and for sure she will notice his absence- it'd be different if he had to go away with work but to go away for a hobby is sad really, evidently lots of people have low standards for fathers though. I also think you don't know how your recovery will be and although you'll no doubt be fine by the weekend it does seems selfish for him to evidently not to consider you.

MagicBullet · 26/06/2023 18:49

I would have been grumpy too regarding the b’day because DH has a ‘habit’ of being busy just on the weekends of his dcs b’days. So as a pattern, I’d be annoyed.

But I would be even more annoyed at him not cancelling when you are going to be recovering from surgery.
i mean I know it can be day surgery and very much hope it will be! But I’ve seen my dad ending up in hospital fir a week after the same op so I’ve je sent the hard way that even straight forward surgeries sometimes go wrong. And you need to plan for that !

Leeds2 · 26/06/2023 18:53

What does DD want to do on her birthday? As in, does she want a family day or would she prefer to be out with her friends?

Lucia574 · 26/06/2023 18:56

I’ve had my gall bladder out and was still pretty sore and immobile a few days later. It may be key hole surgery, but don’t under estimate it. You won’t be able to lift anything at all for a few days. Assume no cooking, grocery shopping etc will be possible for you.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 26/06/2023 19:25

I feel you're asking the wrong question? My dad missed every birthday between my birth and my 21st. On my 16th I went out for tea with my mum and then on the Friday, my friends and I went for food and to the cinema. Despite dad missing all those birthdays we had a great relationship because he made an effort when he wasn't working plus when he returned from wherever he'd been playing war games (military), he bought presents he'd obviously put some thought into.

doesn't want to now for various very legitimate reasons.

What's your dd's relationship with her dad like? Are her legitimate reasons relating to the hobby group or her dad or something else entirely? Does she want to spend time with him on her birthday? If she doesn't want to go on the weekend away because she has a low opinion of her dad for whatever reason (being willing to leave you recovering from surgery alone for example), not sure him begrudgingly staying at home to "celebrate" is going to make anyone happy.

Hanab · 26/06/2023 19:29

Is there absolutely no chance he can celebrate before & then have a little bonding time the next weekend perhaps? I don’t know what is getting my heckles up is that you are undergoing a procedure and he can’t be arsed to stay and make sure you rest and heal! It does not matter how big or small
the op is it is still risky!!

Hanab · 26/06/2023 19:30

Hanab · 26/06/2023 19:29

Is there absolutely no chance he can celebrate before & then have a little bonding time the next weekend perhaps? I don’t know what is getting my heckles up is that you are undergoing a procedure and he can’t be arsed to stay and make sure you rest and heal! It does not matter how big or small
the op is it is still risky!!

Well my grammar is shite .. hope you get the just of it ..

Qilin · 26/06/2023 19:40

nealjacob53 · 26/06/2023 18:41

when i had my gallbladder out i flew over to spain 2 days later, i think you will be fine.

And the person I know who had hers removed was back in hospital with a wound infection 2 days later. You just can't tell.

CattyCone · 26/06/2023 19:49

Won't she want to be out with her mates on her birthday?

Will she be bothered about DH being away?

MagicBullet · 26/06/2023 20:15

CattyCone · 26/06/2023 19:49

Won't she want to be out with her mates on her birthday?

Will she be bothered about DH being away?

You see the dd might well thinks she doesn’t care.
But that’s not the point

If he had ASKED her first and she had said ‘nope, I dint care. I’m happy to do something together the following WE’, then fair enough.
But he is ASSUMING he can go away and do whatever and everyone else has to be happy with it. Because it works fir him. He is not asking or thinking about his dd. He is expecting that everyone will just accept what he says/decides.
He us also assuming that the OP will be around to smooth things over if need be - see that he hasn’t asked so doesn’t know how his dd feels about it. (Let’s remember she was supposed to spend that WE with him!)

And the same thing is happening with the OP’s surgery. The level of entitlement is impressive tbh

Equalitea · 26/06/2023 20:51

On all of my children’s 16th birthdays we have gone out for a family meal.
Tbh DH wouldn’t dream of going away over one of the kids birthdays.

However, you seemed to be fine with DD going to his hobby with him, so you wouldn’t have all been together, you wouldn’t have been with her on her birthday so being all together isn’t a priority for you. It’s not DHs issue that she changed her mind once it was agreed.

He should stay behind if you really are unwell after your OP and need help though.

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