When a lanyard isn't enough (autism)

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Can anyone give me some tips on how to prevent people talking to my DC when we are out?

We are slowly building on shaky foundations at the moment. DC is 13, hasn't been to school in over a year, selective mute has only spoken to immediate family for a long time and absolutely terrified of someone talking to them.

I do what I can to try and intervene but sometimes I'm just not fast enough. Yesterday in a cafe the person who had made the drinks was passing our table later and asked DC if their frappe was ok. I quickly said yes thanks it was lovey but DC took the sunflower lanyard off and is now refusing to wear it because it 'does nothing for me' - I have tried reasoning and explaining that they don't know your specific needs etc but tbh I'm at loss as to how I can prevent these interactions for now. The lanyard has always been a choice I haven't forced it but I do feel when I am interrupting or asking people not to approach us in certain venues it helps if the lanyard is visible

Mostly I'm just looking for the best strategies really, I can normally work things out fairly well but this has me absolutely stumped. We are trying to rebuild from a complete breakdown and I don't want DC to regress further if I can't find an effective way to help.

I have ordered a custom card for the lanyard saying please don't talk to me, I am autistic, - (again it will be optional but I'm trying to cover all bases) but realistically few people would take note of that in a normal exchange of pleasantries situation

Any suggestions would be very welcome

Honestly? I don't think that you can stop people from speaking to your DC. As you quite rightly say, even if it was printed on a card on the lanyard, people would generally speak before they saw that.

Headphones or ear defenders might do more to stop people talking than a lanyard tbh.
Also they give an “excuse” for not answering - you didn’t hear.

He wears headphones already. Has quite a lot of hair so they are not immediately obvious unfortunately.

I'm not expecting a card ion a lanyard to fix this at all, hence asking if anyone else has any strategies to help me be more on top of things.

The problem with the lanyard is often staff will become more attentive, which is obviously great for those who need it, but it just doesn't seem to work for us

Realistically I don't think there is anything you can do to prevent interactions like the one you describe (very casual, someone just walking past etc). The lanyard card may help, but it won't be easily read, especially if he's sitting down and it's under the table.
I think the only thing you can do is what you did, which was answer yourself. Or more visible headphones.

I have an autistic dd so hope you won’t take this the wrong way but can you do a bit of cbt with him. Ask him what is he afraid of happening if people talk to him? What is the worst case, and make him see that actually nothing bad will happen. Make sure he knows there is no need to reply when people talk etc.

Large ear defenders in red worn so they are visible by pushing the hair behind them.

We use this and lanyard for situations that provoke anxiety and gradually progress is being made.

It might do the opposite and make people try to interact even more.

We have discussed it at length. It isn't something that I can negotiate with him. It causes panic attacks 90% if the time and we have to leave whatever we are doing.

I would think large red ear defenders would be most likely to work.

The sunflower lanyard works to highlight disability, but it doesn't in any way say 'please don't talk to me'.

The ear defenders are no, the headphones are set in stone atm unfortunately!

Is he on any kind of anxiety meds?

Unfortunately it sounds like he's not left with any other options if he refuses ear defenders or more visible headphones.

Yes it does the opposite most of the time, which is why I am asking for help! Although I can sometimes put my hand up and shake my head if someone is approaching (we were in cafe at a venue and they had characters) so the lanyard kind of backs up the 'no thank you' but but aside from that it does seem to encourage people to speak to him.

Urgh it's juts so hard sometimes and I am really worried about losing the progress we have made of the past year or so

I appreciate I am looking for a miracle here

No not on medication and tbh i don't think it's something he needs, for the most part we muddle on just fine, i'm very much about his pace and what he is comfortable with, i juts can't control this part unfortunately

Bigger headphones?
Cut his hair???

My DD has these https://uk.jlab.com/products/jbuddies-studio-on-ear-headphones?variant=41029747245188

Neither of those things are changeable unfortunately

This wont help if you do a lot of spontaneous coffee going at random venues but id find a regular cafe to go to and speak to the staff in advance so they get to know him.

As a parent who has also dealt with the same pair of conditions, there’s no easy fix here. In our case, the problem was solved by not going to many public places for years, due to the lockdowns, the sensory/ anxiety issues, agoraphobia and refusal to eat out due to overwhelm and OCD-related issues with hygiene and eating. We have to speak for her in most public situations, although now she’s 16, she is prepared to answer questions in some strictly controlled formats. Also, I have explained the situation to the hairdresser, the dentist, the orthodontist etc.

Her educational provision is at a place where many others have MH issues and neurodiverse/developmental disabilities so the staff and speaking students know far more about SM and autism than most of society does.

We call it ‘situational mutism’ in our family, as ‘selective’ implies there’s some sort of choice and as you know, there really isn’t.

Can you get a more personalised lanyard that says 'please don't talk to me' or similar on (like workplaces have 'staff' on). Might be more obvious than printed on a card?

Thanks we do actually have a regular cafe which we visit much more than a random on a day out. I shall mention to staff next time I go, that never even crossed my mind - thank you

I have ordered a card to go on it saying just that but I'm not expecting it to be particularly effective. Mist people would make idle chat without even seeing the print I think. I am going to give it a go anyway.

My son is learning disabled and may kick/hit people if they come near him. I used to put a sunflower lanyard on him, but with a card inside saying 'Please give me space'. It worked really well, and I imagine it could work well in your son's circumstances.

Thank you. Aside from school which he left over a year ago we hadn't been anywhere for quite some time. He has started wanting to go out a bit now and I'm worried about that progress being undone. Strange as there is no solution but just the fact that someone else has been though it makes a difference tbh. Im hopeful with time things will improve slightly.

You are right about the selective thing too, I don't like the term but I used it because it's what people know! Perhaps I will start using 'situational' too.

I mean have it on the actual lanyard not on a card hanging on the lanyard. Etsy have some which probably aren't quite right but are an idea perhaps?

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1406782914/please-dont-talk-to-me-im-hyperfocusing

That's a good shout, I saw these online actually so might order one to give it a go

@WithOneLook

Sorry I totally misunderstood you

Thanks I will take a look at those too