When a lanyard isn't enough (autism)

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Can anyone give me some tips on how to prevent people talking to my DC when we are out?

We are slowly building on shaky foundations at the moment. DC is 13, hasn't been to school in over a year, selective mute has only spoken to immediate family for a long time and absolutely terrified of someone talking to them.

I do what I can to try and intervene but sometimes I'm just not fast enough. Yesterday in a cafe the person who had made the drinks was passing our table later and asked DC if their frappe was ok. I quickly said yes thanks it was lovey but DC took the sunflower lanyard off and is now refusing to wear it because it 'does nothing for me' - I have tried reasoning and explaining that they don't know your specific needs etc but tbh I'm at loss as to how I can prevent these interactions for now. The lanyard has always been a choice I haven't forced it but I do feel when I am interrupting or asking people not to approach us in certain venues it helps if the lanyard is visible

Mostly I'm just looking for the best strategies really, I can normally work things out fairly well but this has me absolutely stumped. We are trying to rebuild from a complete breakdown and I don't want DC to regress further if I can't find an effective way to help.

I have ordered a custom card for the lanyard saying please don't talk to me, I am autistic, - (again it will be optional but I'm trying to cover all bases) but realistically few people would take note of that in a normal exchange of pleasantries situation

Any suggestions would be very welcome

It's difficult, a lot of the time people are trained/told to speak to the person not the carer (obviously!) so I'm not sure anything visual will make a difference really? Can you teach him a couple of signs? Like thank you so he can acknowledge but not engage in conversation.

It's not the pressure to respond that is the problem as he knows there is none and I will always step in. It's hard to explain (I'm not good with words) but it's just being spoken to, which is such a difficult one to prevent.

What about something like communication cards like www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1484227090/sonic-the-hedgehog-themed-communication or there are heaps online. He could write on one "I'm non verbal" "I'm having a quiet day". Something. I dunno. Hope you can work something out

When my DS can't cope with interacting with people, he puts his hood up and pulled over his face and if he sees someone approaching our table, he turns his body slightly, so as to avoid any eye contact- it's normally pretty clear he doesn't want to interact.

But the biggest help has been the medication, the cbt, the learning to understand why he feels like that, giving him the control in how he deals with it, letting him work out what works best.

He muddled through for years, then burnt out, couldn't manage school anymore, then became more and more anxious about leaving the house and got to the point of suicidal thought and temporary section. I'm obviously not saying that will happen, but I feel we did him a disservice by allowing the muddling along to last for as long as it did.

It wasn't until he totally broke down that I realised how much we had adapted our whole family and our lives to try and meet his needs, but he needed to understand them more himself, so he could meet them in the best way for him (obviously with us still supporting alongside).

Try Googling introvert T-shirts, that might give some extra help as they are less about diagnosis and more about leave me alone :) I am ND with 2 ND kids so totally get it. Humorous t-shirts can be useful, along with business style cards he can just hand out saying something so he can just move on. "I don't mean to be rude but I am not comfortable talking to strangers"

That's a few options, there are loads of pin badges on Etsy as well. Or if he has a phone, maybe a recorded message for people to hear.

Mine has both lanyard and headphones. I found that headphones and her lack of eye contact and acknowledging the person gets them to immediately notice the lanyard and turn to me. That is if they don't notice it beforehand or if I don't speak immediately. I often allow time for her to speak or not before I come in because sometimes she will. If she doesn't, she either looks at me or looks away.

Headphones are noise cancelling so she doesn't hear background noise.

Oh and hood too...unless feeling too hot. But the blank look and lack of acknowledgement usually does it.

Thanks, I appreciate you are trying to help but I think I have made it sound as if things are much worse then they are. He has not been in such a good place for many years. The breakdown happened and we are firmly rebuilding now. A year ago he wouldn't leave the house at all. Not he asks to go out, to go on holiday, to do new things. Of course they don't come east but we are certainly far out the other side of what was a really hard time all round. I'm worried the pressure from people talking g to him might have w negative impact on the progress he has made.

If I don't step in we end up in a panic attack usually and have to go home. He does wear a hoodie normally but it's too hot just now. It is so hard trying to be in the ball all the time though!!

I'm hoping in time he will manage these situations more easily, but for now im just trying to make it through.

I just want to say thanks to everyone . I feel like I am saying 'no' to all your suggestions and I'm really not. I'm crap at explaining myself (also autistic) and when I'm misunderstood I'm even worse at explaining

So thank you to everyone who has offered advice, I am taking it all on board and even I have had said now we don't or it won't work you can bet your lunch money I will read this thread again in a week and try some of those things

Thanks I am going to speak to him about all the options as a few different things have been mentioned

I have a teenager with sm. Unfortunately you can’t stop people talking to them and I’m not sure it’s completely desirable to?

I understand though, for ages dd wouldn’t go anywhere if she thought someone might talk to her so she was pretty much housebound.

We just talked about what she wanted me to do, which was answer for her.

Has he had any SM-specific intervention? We used a private specialist SALT who was great (CAMHS not so much)

My husband has a t-shirt that says "You read my t-shirt. That's enough social interaction for one day."

I hear you andI understand. Mine feels the same (actually worse) with other children/teens her own age. Gets really angry and meltdowns. With adults, it's only those who have to speak to her (like for medical appts, etc) so she tolerates it and also feels i'll handle my fellow adults. But when children want to chat her up and be friends, that's when all hell breaks loose so we often stay away from other kids or else she wants to go home if they won't leave her alone.

I get this and I discussed with SALT what to do. She said that speaking for her was ok even though some say it can reinforce SM - as you say, if I didn’t, she’d never go anywhere.

SALT said that at some point we could move to leaving it two seconds, then five etc to see if dd could answer for herself, but only with dd agreement once she felt ready.

For us, this worked better and the key to any progress was zero pressure

@FatGirlSwim

I have a teenager with sm. Unfortunately you can’t stop people talking to them and I’m not sure it’s completely desirable to?

It is at the moment. We move slowly and have made a lot of progress though.

This is a bit outside the box, but would he consider a communication aid. Either an A5 ring binder type thing which asks people to use the book to communicate with him ( this might slow them down enough for you to jump in ) or a text to voice app on his phone.

When approached, he could press a button to play a pre-recorded one liner e.g. 'please speak to my mum/adult/helper'

I was thinking this strategy might be a buffer to reduce anxiety as he will have something to handle people talking to him as well as give you a chance to jump in.

Mirrored sunglasses? If people can't see his eyes they might be more likely to redirect their glance to the printed message on the T Shirt.

A sunflower lanyard means you have a hidden disability. It doesn’t mean don’t talk to me. I think you need a more explicit signal like big ear defenders, and as pp suggested maybe go to the same cafe where you’ve spoken to the staff and they know not to talk to him.

Yes I completely take that on board. At the moment they need to be left alone.

https://stickmancommunications.co.uk/

A sunflower lanyard means you have a hidden disability. It doesn’t mean don’t talk to me.

I know that. That is why I am asking for ideas.

Great shout. I shall look into the possibility of getting these.

Thank you this looks like quite a good site