Is it really unusual to be someone who keeps a confidence?

[AmicableHonest]

My husband recently told me that I'm very unusual as I don't ever share if someone tells me something in confidence. Twice recently I've been surprised by people sharing confidential information - one a work colleague, one a close relative. In the latter case it was information I'd shared and been very clear it was utterly confidential, and have been very hurt to find out that other relatives had been told (in quite a gossipy way which makes it worse IMO). Am I really that unusual not to ever do this?

According to Mumsnet confidentiality doesn't extend to a "partner". I have never been able to get a definition of partner in this context. I assume they mean "husband" because marriage is magic.

This is MN so of course everyone will say they are paragons of virtue who would never ever betray a confidence even on pain of death.
Back in the real world, experience has shown me that everyone always tells someone else. So if you don’t want anyone to know a secret keep it to yourself.

A lot of people don't seem to understand the concept though. There's the whole 'we've been married ages and I tell my spouse everything, I'm so hurt they won't tell me the secret their mate asked them to keep' 🙄

If I'm told something in confidence, it goes in the vault and stays there. It's not that difficult to understand is it?

Yes. I'm someone who keeps confidences and share information only if I have permission, it's in the public domain, or where there's a safeguarding issue (family member with dementia). But I appear to be an exception most places I've worked.

I have been astonished over the years how many people can't keep their big fat gobs shut, frankly, even when it's actually part of their job role to maintain confidentiality.

In some cases it's a boundaries issue, in some cases they don't have enough work to do, in some cases it's currying favour with the higher ups (now rife in UK workplaces though my current employer is an extreme case), in some cases it's a power kick, and in some cases it's just sheer spite. My current employer is one of the worst I've ever known for it in over 25 years in the workplace. It's one of several major reasons I'm now looking for another job, I've never worked in a place where pretty much everyone is so untrustworthy and downright unpleasant. You always get one or two but this is beyond a joke.

I now distrust most people on principle. Next time I start a new job, I'd I can't find one where I can WFH full time again, I'll share something tiny about myself to people to see how fast it gets round the place. It always makes me both sad and angry when my distrust is proven to be justified.

In a parallel universe where I could be invisible for a day I'd slap them all with a rotting wet kipper every time a confidence was betrayed...

I've definitely known some women over the years who think they can use gossip as a bargaining tool to get you to like them, or to get you to admire them and find them exciting.
"I've got juicy gossip about someone you know..."

People on here amaze me in that they think it’s fine to blab a friend’s secret to their DH. I never do, I think it’s really low.

I'm the same. The recent thread where the majority of MN mers thought it entirely reasonable (if not compulsory) to spill their friends confidences to their own DH/partner depressed me hugely

I find the opposite too. That women happily betray all their partner’s secrets to their friends, including about penis size and sexual performance and emotional distress. On the occasion I challenged friend’s about this they were aghast I objected and declared, ‘Of course you can tell your close friend’s all about your husband.’ I wondered how they would feel if their H was laughing to his mates about her ‘baggy vagina’ , and how she would feel at the next BBQ with his mates knowing this.

No I don't think you are.

I guard information much the same way.

When you come into possession of information you should go through well a mental checklist I suppose - Is it my information? Does X person need the information or have a right to it? Is there a health and safety issue that compels me to share this information etc

It helps to think of it as property. Do I own it or have I simply been asked to hold it. Is it mine to hand over as I please.

There's stuff that I have been made aware of that I've never told my husband, including something a close family friend told me. And I am quite sure there's stuff he knows about that he's not told me.

I think that if someone wanted whoever else as well as me to have the information they would have chosen to share it with them and it's not my place to make that decision for them.

Ime many people think it doesn't count if you tell your partner someone else's private information that they entrusted you with but I think that's wrong.

I think that because I used to work in the care sector (and so did my husband) appropriate use and sharing of information has been drilled into me over the years and now it's just how I naturally behave. 😁

I don’t no but I know from experience not to trust anyone with sensitive info. Sometimes I might tell one family member about another family member but nothing sensitive.

Yes I find it very strange too. If something is confidential you don't tell anyone (unless it's a safeguarding issue). I don't think I would have married my husband if he expected me to tell him things that others had told me in confidence, and I certainly don't want to know what people have told him and asked him to keep to himself.

I keep confidences. It's very disrespectful to share things given in confidence.

Back in the real world, experience has shown me that everyone always tells someone else.

I am sorry you've been in the situation where something you have shared in confidence has then been shared by that person, but that is a massive leap to say everyone always tells someone else. It is very far from the truth.

If someone tells me something in confidence nothing would possess me to ever repeat it. A PP said 'it's not my secret to tell' and this is exactly how I feel.

Me too.

I used to run a village shop. It was like running a pub or being a hairdresser, people told us so much. One guy was online dating and had started seeing a woman and told me about her. When he eventually told some mutual friends, he was amazed and impressed I hadn't told them. So it became known that we could be trusted.

I know something about a colleague that an in-law of hers told me (not even in confidence). Other colleagues would be gleeful if they knew but it's actually something really quite unkind and, while she's not my favourite person, she would be distraught if anyone knew so her secret will always be safe with me.

I think most people will talk and share things, especially if it's things that haven't been specifically said should be kept confidential. A lot of people I think have the integrity to know when something is confidential though, or when confidentially should be expected if not explicitly asked for.

What bothers me is how often I hear wives saying their husband doesn't count, their friends should know that even when they specifically say something is to be kept confidential the friend should know that hubby of the century doesn't count, or worse the smug "we don't keep secrets from each other" line. I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of the husbands aren't telling their wives everything discussed down the pub with their friends.

No. If someone confides in me I wont tell. Breaking a confidence for the sake of gossip is really unkind. I don't even tell DP. I recall a friend going through some issues years ago. She told me, and another friend of ours. This other friend of ours told her husband, who then said sonething in front of us which let us know, that he knew what had been discussed in confidence. I never trusted her again, still friendly enough but I dont confide anything personal whatsoever.

I used to work in private client so have professionally acted for and therefore heard a lot about very famous people. DH has no idea who most of them are (only the ones that invited us to stuff). I'd never discuss with anyone. Quite a lot of people know what I did so I often get told stuff about friends and neighbours in confidence as they know I won't repeat it. There are advantages to being known as someone who can keep their mouth shut.

Having said that there are people I've come across in a non-professional/confidential manner who were total arseholes and I'm perfectly happy with slagging them off.....

I've always kept confidences (as an adult, can't vouch for myself in school!). If something seems very private and personal then I'll judge that as confidential too if not specified. I'm hard to shock and believe that it's important that everyone can talk about personal things to someone trustworthy.

If I’m told something in confidence then I do not share it. More often than not because I completely forget what it is, as I have a terrible memory. In the occasion I remember I never share.

All my pals know I can’t keep a secret for shit. I’ve never been able to, especially my own! I can’t lie either or hide anything. I really wish I could be better but have accepted it now. I have a very small circle though and honestly haven’t ever really been in a position where I’ve needed to keep a secret, as such. If I ever confided in my best friend, I would expect or be prepared for her to tell her partner - to me that is not an issue but I understand why some may feel differently. I see my best friends partners as an extension of them but I may feel differently if the relationships were different

No I don’t think so.

But you do need to pick your person carefully

What, why?

Let's be honest how often when their with their friends do they either on purpose or accidental let slip x information

Then there's the whole Mr and Mrs Smith, who your partner truly is ?

These days anyone can wear a mask, it's when the cracks and slips happen that then it begs the question of the CSI theme song, who are you?

I'm the same and it really annoys me when other people aren't as trustworthy or loyal with confidential info. So I don't share unless absolutely fine with something reaching others' ears (in other words, trust no one!)

I'm so serious about keeping a confidence that it really bugs me when someone tells me something and says 'don't tell anyone' but then goes and tells everyone in the office/every friend the same thing. I think to myself 'but that's not a secret!'