Help me out here! I don’t want to look awkward!

[putthatdownsteve]

I’ve been invited to a birthday get together for a new ish friend. In fact, pretty much my only friend I have since I moved across the country a few years ago, which is why I am probably over thinking this.

It’s a bottomless brunch next Saturday. Snags are, I am coeliac and I don’t drink alcohol.

I contacted the restaurant. Nothing on the bottomless brunch set menu is gluten free, so I will have to order and pay separately from the gluten free menu - but they can’t guarantee that there is no cross contamination and looking on some reviews, people have got ill after eating there.

I get really, really ill with any tiny bit of cross contamination, so if I ever do get invited out, I don’t eat because it’s just not worth it. This makes people very uncomfortable even if I explain to to death, “oh a little bit won’t hurt!”, (it really will!), so in the past, I’ve ordered something and just moved food around the plate and no one has ever realised I’ve not eaten. Apart from being accused of having an eating disorder a couple of times, people don’t seem to understand how ill gluten makes me and that it’s just not worth days of feeling ill for one meal.

Also, alcohol. I don’t drink at all. I also don’t eat sugar so things like virgin cocktails are out (no,
I am not fun at parties).

I really want to go. I’ve met her group of friends before and they all seem lovely and I am so bone achingly lonely since moving here.

I just don’t want to be seen as some
massive weirdo sipping water and not eating. I am so used to it and it’s fine.

Plus, we are all paying into the brunch to cover the cost of my friend. If I do order from the GF menu, it’s not included and I will have to pay extra - which is fine! I really don’t mind, it’s par for the course. But I don’t want anyone to find out and make a deal of that or feel bad in anyway.

I know this is a non event by the way, roll those eyes away! My anxiety over something that logically I know doesn’t really matter is part of a way bigger picture.

Do you feel comfortable ordering from their GF menu? (Maybe taking the risk that you'll be ill later because you really want to go?

if so can you speak to the person who is organising and explaithate situation, that you're happy to pay a share for the birthday girl but there should be one less Pax for bottomless brunch because you'll order separately from the GF menu. Can you just order sparkling water with lime/mint garnish to make it look like a mock tail?

I think in your situation it’s very easy to say that you contacted the restaurant about catering for coeliacs and they can’t guarantee cross contamination so you’re really sorry but you aren’t going to be able to come. Maybe suggest you join them at the end or afterwards somewhere else for a cup of coffee. Nobody is going to find it weird or antisocial when you have a health issue.

Surely there must be something you can have? What about a steak with salad? I would just drink water and put some money in to cover her meal.

I’d be on the loo for 12 hours in pain within an hour and then the next few days in agony with joint inflammation, not to mention the long term health implications! I don’t take risks if a place can’t guarantee no cross contamination, I’ve learned that harsh lesson!

Why would the OP not just eat before hand and go though??

I would. I’d also ring the restaurant OP and ask if you bring something can they stick that on a plate for you as you are very allergic - as you are part of such a large party they probably will. If they are difficult and won’t help - just order a salad and push it around.

Otherwise just go, explain you ate before and are fine and have sparkling water. Everyone will forget about it in 5 mins.

I'm autistic and blunt and used to being a bit weird so take my idea with a huge pinch of salt!

But I'd probably take my own food, pay for a meal anyway so the restaurant isn't losing out, and then brazen it out.

You could even try asking the servers if you could drop it off and they could just tip your prepared salad right on to your plate, with a tip of course.

Not on the brunch menu, and they can’t guarantee no cross contamination on any other food as it’s all cooked in the same oil etc, same trays. The manager sent me the GF menu and it’s all pointed out in big, red letters.

Ooh this is tough as it really is very restrictive! I would ordinarily say this bottomless brunch just isn’t the occasion for you, but you want to go so sod it, go!

I would explain before hand how much you are looking forward to seeing everyone - that you are gutted you can’t eat there but don’t mind and will eat before hand, and then maybe just don’t mention not drinking and try think of something you can have other than water so it doesn’t look like you are completely out the group? As they get drunker you will stand out less as they won’t care, so it’s just about smoothing it over at the start and making people feel at ease around you.

I hope you have fun!

I’m just hoping that everyone will tuck into the Prosecco and won’t realise anyway!

I’ve paid my part already to the friend organising, that’s not an issue. I really don’t mind.

I’d speak to the restaurant and ask if I could pay a cover charge / order the bottomless brunch but bring my own food and then bring something similar.

And I’d take the pp suggestion of fizzy water - no sugar but an actual drink rather than just tap water.

And I’d not talk about my food or drink at all. Sometimes if you’re nervous about things like this it draws attention but if you ask questions about the other person instead they don’t even notice.

That's fair enough. In that case (can't believe they've just told you it's all done on the same trays etc. They clearly don't give a shit) I'd just say in that case I'll bring my own meal (might be a cover charge of a couple of pounds) and order drinks from them.

I’ve had two really bad experiences with restaurants in the past and now if I do have to go to one, I always ask the manager in advance to be very honest with me about their practices! I’m always grateful when they are honest.

Bottomless is usually only an hour and a half or 2 hours - so less time to fret!

Style it out or ask the restaurant if you can take your own and them plate it seeing as you've paid already

Agree with fizzy water in a prosecco glass

You can still be fun - dress up look fabulous and enjoy!

Could you go and drink some non alcoholic cocktails or similar? Or to be honest any drink you want and just say you can't eat due to allergies? I think if you're having a drink you'll be fine and not be seen as odd

That’s an absolute joke even having a GF menu if they cannot guarantee it’s not going to be GF. They should do it properly (different equipment used etc) or not at all.

Oh you poor thing! I would eat beforehand and just explain casually when you get there - that the restaurant doesn't do gluten free so you're not eating. I wouldn't think twice about someone doing that.

Is there a group chat about it ? Would it make you feel better to flag it beforehand or with the birthday girl? That you won't eat due to menu but looking forward to catching up!

what the fuck?
would you tell someone with a peanut allergy to eat peanuts and risk the consequences

Yes, there’s a group chat but my friend isn’t on there as there are a couple of surprised being organised, and I have only met the others on there once, for an hour or so at a party.

I’d feel awkward coming in like, “hey!
So here’s my medical problem!”

There is also an after party thing and I don’t want to mention anything about gluten free as people try to cater for me. I feel really awful when people go out of their way to make sandwiches with GF bread and then unknowing cross contaminate (you wouldn’t think you couldn’t use the same butter, knife or chopping board as it will be contaminated), and then I can’t eat it.

Dh is like, just order the bacon and eggs and cut it up a bit, laugh a lot, no one will notice.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but not drinking or eating at a bottomless brunch could make you feel uncomfortable as everyone will be necking the prosecco/doing that thing where they’re encouraging you to join in, especially if you’re new to their social group. It’s usually fine to stay strong and say no if you know everyone really well, but given this is your first social situation with this new friend, you might be better arranging another time to socialise with her, just the two of you. You could say you can’t go to the brunch but ask her on the same message if she fancies lunch or whatever another day?

Echo everyone else- take your own food and drink sparkling water out of a flute. Please don’t miss out because the restaurant are a bit rubbish!

I never feel uncomfortable, I am so used to it.

But it does make other people uncomfortable. I really want to go, this will be the first time I’ve been out with a group of people in 6 years! I’ve missed it so much, which is why I don’t want it to backfire and then all to think I’m strange.

I’m really outgoing and friendly. I’ll probably be fine, they will get drunk, i’ll chat and have a laugh.

OP I really think it's fine to turn up and say that you have this medical problem, make it clear how bad it is but that you are excited to be there and then have a great time and show them you're not dull and you might just make a load of new friends.

Nearly all social situations involve food so it will come up at some point.

You sound lovely btw

Are they going out afterwards? Could you arrange to meet them after in the pub? I understand your predicament and don't think you should potentially make yourself ill but I do think it's a bit odd to go to a bottomless brunch and not eat or drink anything I'd feel a bit awkward im that scenario sitting next to someone with a tap water pushing a salad around a plate.

It’s back to her house afterwards for drinks.

I didn't tell OP to do anything.