Help me out here! I don’t want to look awkward!

[putthatdownsteve]

I’ve been invited to a birthday get together for a new ish friend. In fact, pretty much my only friend I have since I moved across the country a few years ago, which is why I am probably over thinking this.

It’s a bottomless brunch next Saturday. Snags are, I am coeliac and I don’t drink alcohol.

I contacted the restaurant. Nothing on the bottomless brunch set menu is gluten free, so I will have to order and pay separately from the gluten free menu - but they can’t guarantee that there is no cross contamination and looking on some reviews, people have got ill after eating there.

I get really, really ill with any tiny bit of cross contamination, so if I ever do get invited out, I don’t eat because it’s just not worth it. This makes people very uncomfortable even if I explain to to death, “oh a little bit won’t hurt!”, (it really will!), so in the past, I’ve ordered something and just moved food around the plate and no one has ever realised I’ve not eaten. Apart from being accused of having an eating disorder a couple of times, people don’t seem to understand how ill gluten makes me and that it’s just not worth days of feeling ill for one meal.

Also, alcohol. I don’t drink at all. I also don’t eat sugar so things like virgin cocktails are out (no,
I am not fun at parties).

I really want to go. I’ve met her group of friends before and they all seem lovely and I am so bone achingly lonely since moving here.

I just don’t want to be seen as some
massive weirdo sipping water and not eating. I am so used to it and it’s fine.

Plus, we are all paying into the brunch to cover the cost of my friend. If I do order from the GF menu, it’s not included and I will have to pay extra - which is fine! I really don’t mind, it’s par for the course. But I don’t want anyone to find out and make a deal of that or feel bad in anyway.

I know this is a non event by the way, roll those eyes away! My anxiety over something that logically I know doesn’t really matter is part of a way bigger picture.

Agree. It's shite of the restaurant so hopefully they will let OP take her own food or not order any food, whichever she prefers.

Totally agree it's better that they're honest, it's just a rubbish message in the first place!

Ring the place and ask if you can pay them to take your own food. Like a corkage fee. Tip it out onto their plates and no one will care, you won't stand out.

Eat at home, if anyone asks you can say why. People are more clued up now, I don’t think they’ll be intrusive or insensitive. Then have non-alcoholic Prosecco or whatever, there must be something. Don’t overthink it. Once they get going it won’t be awkward, apart from had awkward bit of being sober amongst tipsy people (they might get boring).

Doesn’t anyone say they’re on antibiotics to avoid drinking anymore?

If everyone else is drinking they probably won’t notice that you’re not after a while.
But even so, I think it is more acceptable to not drink these days anyway and you’ll just become known as a person who doesn’t drink.

I hope you go and have a fab time and make some new friends.

Contact the restaurant again, ask them to make a 'reasonable adjustment' that allows you to take your own food.

Get fizzy water in a champagne flute and enjoy the outing.

Good idea about the antibiotics, an ear infection or something. Nobody will probe. Or say you need to drive later. Or busy day at work tomorrow and you need to prepare something etc.

If they are lovely surely in these days of enlightenment they will understand to some extent and if you just say just heads up I’ve checked with restaurant and they can’t guarantee there won’t be any cross contamination for my serious gluten problem. So I’m going to eat beforehand and enjoy sparkling water or whatever as it’s all about the company isn’t it. Looking forward to it so much. See you there. This way it doesn’t need to be raised again unless someone chooses to and you can be brief and change the topic. If they don’t know you Will forever have this problem. There are places which cater better and maybe you could research and make suggestions in future discussions. Difficult though I know. Hope you enjoy it in spite of everything

They do have a chicken caesar salad on the menu, it would be very easy to make my own gluten free version and take it, give it to them without any attention.

I’ve paid for a full price meal I won’t be eating, so I can’t see why they would have a problem, especially as they have told me the can’t guarantee no contamination.

The only thing about saying you are on anti biotics is that if you do become friends, you have to come clean at some point about not drinking!

I just don’t want there to be any awkwardness around the money! It’s quite expensive at £45 a head, but that’s fine, I don’t mind being part of a group and paying even though I can’t take part. I’ve done it before and I am sure it will come up again.

It’s not an issue for me, it’s just one of those things, but again, I don’t want anyone else to
feel uncomfortable.

So I’ll either see if I can take my own, or I will do what I always do with family and order something and not eat it (dh family think i’m on a faddy diet, so this has come up a lot, his sister got drunk one night and admitted her and MIL go out of their way to find places that are hard to get GF options for family meals - but that’s another thread 🤣).

I really hope you go and have a brilliant time. The plan you have in mind is a good one and I'm sure it will all go well. Update us afterwards if you've enjoyed it and we'll cheer for you!

@putthatdownsteve

Your MIL &SIL

WTF I hope your DH has wiped the floor with them.

I'd take your own "picnic" for the after drinks thing.

I wouldn't eat at the restaurant.

Just brazen it out and say you've learnt the hard way it's not worth trying to eat out so you here for the social side.

Yes, he dealt with them. Long and short - there’s no more family meals for us.

I don’t actually eat any gluten free alternatives as it’s all full of crap ingredients, so after party will be fine - part of the reason I don’t make a fuss is that people try to get me gluten free things that I don’t eat any way (cakes, bread etc), and it’s so expensive for them.

I would just drink a mocktail/something you can tolerate, not mention alcohol and if asked, say you are fasting today. Lots of people if.

Loads of people don’t drink now. I sometimes take breaks as it makes my anxiety worse. Just say you don’t drink!

I don’t eat meat and got invited to a work do where really all I could eat was a bread roll- it was all hog roast and loaded fries. I did feel uncomfortable but more because the very meat-keen staff seemed threatened by someone not partaking. I don’t think people get quite so passionate about gluten though :)

Incase anyone cares…..

It was fine.

Everyone was knocking back drinks as soon as we sat down, no one noticed I wasn’t eating. I checked again, everything on the “GF” menu would have been contaminated while cooking (I don’t know why some places bother with a GF menu).

So I just ordered a cooked brunch as part of the price we had all paid and asked people if they wanted a muffin, or a hash brown. I actually unloaded most of it so hardly any went to waste.

No one noticed I wasn’t drinking either, I had a glass of Prosecco in front of me but didn’t touch it, no one noticed at all.

Back at her house afterwards, everyone else was trollied by 6pm anyway, so again, no one noticed what I was doing or not doing. A few are going out into our nearest city now, but I didn’t fancy it, but half of the others bailed out too.

It was a lot of fun though, so I am glad I went.

Great update - well done OP!

So glad you went and had a good time

I'm gluten intolerant and don't drink alcohol but I wouldn't feel like I was strange or anything 🤷‍♀️.
I'd explain once about how poorly I'd be from cross contamination and that it's fine for them to eat without me then I'd order a soft drink and enjoy the company and conversation.
I think you are probably overthinking it x

I’m glad you enjoyed it. It sounds fun.

Success and no price to pay tomorrow. RESULT

I've only just seen this thread but I'm so glad you went and had a good time!

I’m very glad you went and enjoyed it! I’m particularly glad you ignored the nonsense recommendations to not go, to try to arrange a separate outing, to pretend about antibiotics (ffs!) etc etc.

It was a great chance to get to know your friend better, to expand your circle after what sounds like a lonely stretch for you and to generally have a good time. People are allowed to take care of their own health and above all it’s FINE not to drink and you don’t have to make bollocks excuses just to make your own choices.

It sounds like it was a good crowd and above all it sounds like everything confirmed a general truth in life - people are paying a lot less attention to you and your choices than you fear they are - and if they ARE paying too much attention then that says worse things about them (your MIL and SIL behave horrifically)!

I really think you should give it a miss.
The whole point of bottomless brunch is eating and drinking - it sounds like you can’t do either … (not your fault of course).
just join at her house afterwards when you’ll be more relaxed and it won’t be so awkward for you.

No restaurant can guarantee anything unless all the food is prepared in secure laboratory