PILs incessant chatter about health woes

[BurntoutQueen]

PILs will be staying with us shortly. On previous visits they have talked virtually incessantly about their health woes, in graphic detail, even at mealtimes, in front of DC, often repeating the same conversations several times during visits. We have tried saying "yes, you've mentioned that...", not really responding at all, changing the subject - but they persist!

DH and I are absolutely sympathetic and supportive, however PIL visits are difficult now as virtually all conversations focus on their various health issues.

Any advice?

Do they lead full active lives? Presumably not if all they have to talk about is their ailments. Can you steer the topic round to ‘the olden days’? Maybe hearing them reminisce about DH as a nipper, or that holiday they had in Rhodes in 1982 would be more interesting?

@CheckEngineLight I think lack of full/active lives presently is a big part of the difficulty. Their social circle seems to be very small now and I don't think they are involved in groups/clubs/sports.

Funny that you mention past holiday memories etc - this is their other default conversation. We dread that too because we've heard all the anecdotes over the past 20 years. Maybe they're preferable to gorey medical details though.

I don't know how old they are, but I think this is common in lots of elderly people. I agree with pp about asking them about things they did when they were younger. You could ask them how they met, their first job, if they remember their grandparents etc.

My DM spends a lot of time talking about her various ailments and her hospital and doctors appointments. She is actually pretty fit and healthy for 82 but I guess she hasn't got much else to focus on. I divert her by talking about what she it watching on tv/reading. She also likes talking about stuff we used to do when DB and I were kids. It can be tedious I suppose but she hasn't got a lot else going on in her life.

Ask them if they are planning any more hoildays?

Do ask them about things they got up to when they were children and what their parents and grandparents were like. I really wish I had asked my mother more stories about her youth and written them down - she led a very interesting life and told us some anecdotes, but there must have been more I could have got from her. Also if they have family photos, ask them to bring them and go through who the people are. My mother died and not only can I not ask her more about her childhood, but I've been left with tons of family photos and I have no idea who all these people are. They are probably great grandparents and great aunts and uncles who also did interesting things.

Do they have any interests? Cooking, gardening, TV/radio etc. My parents do not do any activities outside the home or a social circle but we normally end up talking about politics or the above.

The frustrating part (in DH's and my eyes) is that they are not elderly (early 70s) and, thankfully, their medical situation isn't doom and gloom at all.

We have tried to bring up topics such as future holidays and gardening, but the conversation invariably steers back to "Such a pity we can't do X any more because of (ailment)".

They seem to have become stuck in a narrative that they are 'unwell'.

Why not start conversations with them the way you would with anyone else? Politics? TV shows? What do you talk about with your friends?

My eldest sister (86) is obsessed with her ailments. Last week she made an appointment at the podiatrist attached to her GP's surgery as she was convinced the red mark on her toe was the start of sepsis. Turns out it was a corn.............

Nice idea but it's not that easy. I've known people like this. It doesn't matter what you say, they simply don't engage in conversation outside of their current health concerns.

No advice op, just sympathy.

You'll be old one day soon and probably doing the same things you dismiss so easily now. Just grin and bear it.

I'm afraid I would be blunt over mealtimes and in front of the dc if they are young enough not to understand. Noone wants to listen to that over food.

Beyond that I think it comes with the territory sadly and there isn't much you can do other than switch off. Sad that folks seem to get to this when they still have time to enjoy life!

Mil's one and only topic was mil's bowel habits.
Fucking grim.
We used to meet for a cooked breakfast and I declined every time and sat with a pot of tea.. Dh needs to tell them to stfu..

Yep, both my parents and my PIl’s are exactly the same. I barely talk to them now, as it is so depressing. They have zero interest in my family, it straight away reverts to their ailments.

I am quite old, I suppose; and I have shit health. I don't enjoy talking about it unless it's 'banter' or an occasional heart-to-heart with someone trusted about something important, like telling my adult DC about a new treatment plan. Preferably, once.

I have let a few friendships drift over the past few years, because of the endless po-faced talk about medical ailments.

Typical of friend #1: we went for breakfast and she went on and on about her fecking stomach operation while I was attempting to eat eggs benedict. Jesus, woman, just give it a rest for half an hour. Can you not see I'm eating here?

Friend #2 already talked far too much about her 'conditions', and #3 was coming close. It was every time we met, the same stuff on a loop. The only thing that shifted friend #2 was asking about her latest theories on chem trails, which frankly didn't really float my boat either.

It's as though they've forgotten about politics, films, books, nature, satirical comedy, the world, like they hit a certain age and that night some sprite came and stole their sense of humour in their sleep.

My in laws are like this, no interest in their grandchildren or us. Just moaning about illness and ailments constantly. It's like it's their hobby. They even go to all appointments together and talk about how busy they are. They are mid 70's but seem a lot older. No hobbies, not many friends so I guess that's all they have to talk about. Ive distanced myself and the kids don't seem bothered to not see them much

Digestive system-related comments at mealtimes seem to be a common theme!

Can also identify with PPs' generally just talking about themselves situations - that happens too.

DH and I have no difficulty coming up with conversation topics, but they always peter out quickly unless we just talk between ourselves and DC (which would seem rude). Instead we find ourselves bizarrely sitting there nodding and listening to Ailment FM on loop...

My pils were exactly the same, drove us mad! In a 20 minute conversation, we had the same topic about 4 times. They were otherwise interesting people, but had zero social life.

I guess it is their life, relentless for them. If they like to reminice then I'd encourage that. As a child I used to love hearing my grandparents stories. Perhaps ask the kids to interview them and write it down.

Put the shoe on the other foot - your PIL may find YOU boring OP. Do you perhaps always go on about the same topic? Kids perhaps? Maybe they are over on Gransnet complaining how self centred you are, always turning the conversation back to your favourite topic.

It's sad that, as we get towards the end of our particular road, our interests become more focused on one or two things.

I'm quite frail now but dont like to dwell on it, and only talk about anything new that's happened, more so that my family is aware, than for any other reason. My aversion to talking about health stems from my dear mother, whose health was all consuming subject in the years before her death, not surprising really. I didn't want to do that to my family.

My "thing" the thing I go on about, is politics and the news. I know I'm a bloody bore about it, but it's the only external stimulus I have.

I'm housebound, so if I go out, my family go with me, so they see and hear what I do. On the other hand, I'm the only one who watch s and read a the news every day, for hours on end.

we all talk about what we know. Luckily for me, my daughter shares my general political persuasion and my interest.

As I say, we all talk about those things we know.

Sorry, no help to you opening poster, but possibly a reason why it's happening.

Be blunt, don't allow it at the dinner table. Just say "We are eating!" in shocked tones. Practise phrases like " That's a shame, what do you do to distract yourself?" " Got anything fun planned for next week/month?" "What do you think about {current afffairs or new issue}.
Maybe DH could speak to them and ask them not to talk health issues in front of DC and remind them if they are being boring. Presumably we are not talking serious or life threatening illnesses, so it's OK to change the subject after 10 minutes of listening attentively.

Thank you for sharing this perspective.
My PILs are good people. They likely are talking about what they know, but likely just don't notice they're doing it quite so much.

I've been trapped in that world for 10+ years now, both with MIL, FIL and my mother. They are all late 80s/early 90s and my god the constant health talk is tedious. In contrast I have a lovely elderly friend, 89 years old, who never mentions her health. She has health concerns of course but she has far more interesting things to talk about. She's my role model for if I reach that age.