PILs incessant chatter about health woes

[BurntoutQueen]

PILs will be staying with us shortly. On previous visits they have talked virtually incessantly about their health woes, in graphic detail, even at mealtimes, in front of DC, often repeating the same conversations several times during visits. We have tried saying "yes, you've mentioned that...", not really responding at all, changing the subject - but they persist!

DH and I are absolutely sympathetic and supportive, however PIL visits are difficult now as virtually all conversations focus on their various health issues.

Any advice?

I’d let them talk about health stuff the first day or two and tell them you’re happy to listen but want to stop health discussions and talk about other things Wednesday onwards. Be direct.

You need to practice active listening. People only stop talking about something when they feel they have been heard. When they mention the health conditions, ask them proper questions, reflect back what they are saying, ask for clarification. Minimising what they are saying or trying to distract them is unhelpful and means they will keep going back to the subject until they feel properly heard.

@BurntoutQueen thanks for your message. I'm pleased you got my intent. They probably dont realise how boring they are, as We get old, we often dont. I'm blessed (cursed) with the ability to see that 99% of what I say is of no interest to those in saying it to. So your acknowledgment that I might have a valid point is cheering. Thanks

Play charades and act out hypochondria....

Is there any chance they may be getting onset Alzheimer's or similar. It can creep up quite slowly and manifests in some odd ways a while before it is obvious (repetition, return to a conversation they are comfortable with, often about themselves, lack of empathy, lack of social awareness, forgetting they have already had this conversation, not thinking it might be "gross"). If this sounds familiar then to avoid the worst of the mealtime grossness, it is helpful to consciously get on a completely different track at that time - nothing recent, not even a "how is your garden" as they will steer it round to their health issues. Talk about the "proper old times", how did they meet, how did they cope without mobiles, who did they look up to in their family, how did they get a job, what has changed about the town they grew up in, what was the first film they ever saw, did they ever get to have days out, and to where - It takes a bit of effort, and Yes, you may have heard the stories before, but it is better than a discussion about their bowels ! Good luck x

Commiserations OP, I have this too, primarily from my mum. She’s only early 60s! But doesn’t have many other people she talks to.

We both work in healthcare but not sure what part that plays in the whole thing.

It’s true that if I really focus on her and what she is telling me, ask interested questions etc. as per PP advising active listening, then she eventually seems satisfied and changes topic. But it is very draining and just so utterly boring.

Diversion to other topics doesn’t work. And I just do not understand why she feels the need to say the same thing over and over and over. I say e.g. “yes you mentioned a few times before” but she just gets a bit huffy OR just completely ignores the comment. At times I have even wondered if she does it on purpose to annoy me - it’s just so maddeningly dull.

I feel awful admitting it but it’s one of the reasons I don’t hugely look forward to seeing her, and I also feel embarrassed when she’s droning on about ailments in front of my OH.

Having said all that, I’ll probably grow to be exactly the same. But I really hope not.

My friends and I have a five minute rule for the Organ Recital, then you move on. Same if you have to have a moan , five minutes then move on. Obviously different if you have to have a heart to heart, so we remind each other and laugh and move on. It’s easy to get in a rut.
I would implement the five minute rule with your relatives, let them know about it and crack on.

You sound lovely!
I have friends in their late 70’s and 80’s. One very able woman just seemed to take to her couch at about 70 and rarely moves.. then she had a stroke.
I have another friend at 82 is lively, interested in politics, gardens and has lots friendships across the ages.. she is an inspiration!

You need to practice active listening. People only stop talking about something when they feel they have been heard. When they mention the health conditions, ask them proper questions, reflect back what they are saying, ask for clarification. Minimising what they are saying or trying to distract them is unhelpful and means they will keep going back to the subject until they feel properly heard.

Such a good post. I have the same with relatives. While I agree that lives are more limited I also think it's their form of self care , reaching out for love and sympathy. (can't explain v well )

I think active listening and feeding back what they've said. But then be direct and say need /have to talk about other things.

I think it's worth remembering they probably find your conversations about children and work and politics boring because they've already lived through that stage. But they are your family and remember how all consuming and busy middle age is. Be glad you still have them and show an interest in what they have to say.

Also, how is their hearing? Is it easier for them to talk than to listen? MIL can't cope anymore in a big group but she's fine one to one.

I was going to mention the Organ Recital too. A friend told us about this and it’s a great idea.

Most people do this. I don't know how you can get around it.

My mum does this! And all she ever texts is about her ailments. On her genealogy page she actually starts off her bio as "my name is XX, I was born in XX and I suffer from ......"

It's her form of identity. But what's worse is that she feels she's a health expert and constantly tries to diagnose other people (me) with ailments. Apparently my hormones are clearly imbalanced, my tits are wonky, I'm putting on weight, mood swings, hair thinning and my eyes look ill. She's diagnosed me with depression, menopause and liver problems due to drinking.

I'm a 35 year old, fit and healthy, losing weight! And I never drink alcohol!

Yet the moment I disagree with her she'll go back to "you must see your GP about your mood swings" 😱

If I divert the conversation - she twists it back. She refuses to talk about anything else.

It's as though they've forgotten about politics, films, books, nature, satirical comedy, the world, like they hit a certain age and that night some sprite came and stole their sense of humour in their sleep

I'm approaching this age and dread becoming like this. I've made it my mission to cultivate a positive mindset about ageing (not easy when you consider what it entails) and not inflict it on people. Mind you, I'm currently talking a mate through peri, so there's no room for my moaning about things that ache today that weren't aching yesterday.

Who was it said, 'growing old is not for the faint-hearted'? They were right!

But I like the Organ Recital rule ^^

It's funny isn't it. My friends with kids talk about nothing but their effing kids all the time and it's as boring as hell. It's a life stage thing just like it is for your PiLs and their ailments.

I do realise that talking about how boring and awful old people are is much more acceptable