I really am big enough and ugly enough to see myself home

[Youknowaboutthepaint]

I'm a single middle aged woman. I have a wide social circle and a busy social life, friends of both sexes.

After an evening out there is always a "discussion" about how I'll get home. I live with walking distance of our regular pub and of the station if we've been further afield.

I am perfectly comfortable walking home by myself. In fact I'm just back from a trip where I walked 120 miles all alone. However, my friends don't want to "allow" it. The men will insist on seeing me home, sometimes women even make their husbands walk me home! It doesn't matter how much I tell them I'm fine, they insist and come anyway. Sometimes this means I'm walking home alone with a man I barely know - statistically I'm probably safer alone.

I know they think they're doing the right thing but surely a woman should have the right to make these decisions herself?

I don't want people going out of their way for me, especially not my friends' husbands on instructions. They're obviously more scared of their wives than they are of me.

Would the wives be accompanying you as well or are they able to go home alone? No way would OH leave me alone to walk someone else home. No way he'd agree to walk a female home without me being there.

The friends are hardly going to walk home alone after insisting the OP mustn't.

No way he'd agree to walk a female home without me being there.

Why? What is he afraid your friends will accuse him of?

Touch wood nothing should ever befall you on one of those walks, but what if it did? The guilt your friends would go through would be unbearable. It’s not just about you.

You're probably more at risk from the man being 'helpful' than a random stranger and I'd be pointing that out.

Be thankful that people care enough, you may be walking home one night alone and something happens and you’ll wish that someone had walked you home!

people are being caring, my dh would never allow any of my friends to walk home themselves.

💯

I have seen myself home since I was in my teens, unless I am in Lima, or similar.

Just be firm. I have, after trying to do it politely, occasionally had to say - thanks very much, but seriously, I am an adult, so kindly fuck off.

It’s madness. Men are at far more risk than women and the UK any risk to anyone is tiny.

Totally agree!

Oh wouldn’t he!?

I know you mean well PP, but for fucks sake, your friends are adults not your DP’s kids, it’s not for him to ‘allow’ anything. He is, FYI, far more likely to get into trouble than them.

Grrrr. What on earth makes him thinks he was the right not to allow your friends to do anything?

He might know they're perfectly safe with him, but they don't. Statistically they're at much more risk from him than from a random lurking in the bushes.

Nice emotional manipulation there.

THere was a thread on this subject, maybe around Christmas time, and posters were saying they teach their sons not to let a woman walk home by herself, even if she says she's fine. Numerous posters pointed out that what they are actually telling their sons is to ignore what a woman says, especially if that word is No.

I really am big enough and ugly enough to see myself home

Clearly you are not ugly enough.

I am SFU and nobody has ever offered to walk me home.

(SFU= short, fat and ugly. )

Yeah, I get this. Would MUCH rather walk alone or get public transport (am in London) than get in a cab with a stranger or be 'accompanied'. Am 54. Plenty of awful things have happened to me in my life, and they didn't happen when I was on my own, in control and on an empty street.
I just insist OP. People can generally tell I mean it.

What's kind about ignoring a woman's "No" to do something that makes you feel better but makes her uncomfortable?

OP, I commented on a similar thread a few months ago that I'm afraid went similarly. You're obviously in the right, but there'll be no getting past the usual wide-eyed "well I can't see why you have a problem but whatever" and the focus on other people's feelings at the expense of yours ("but think how they'd FEEEEL!")

I despair that people have these views but I'm sorry, I don't have any practical advice.

Mumsnet is weird about this. Apparently no doesn't mean no if someone is offering to walk you home. A previous thread was insistent that it was unreasonable to refuse being walked home even after a number of women gave tales of being raped by men who had 'kindly' offered to walk them home.

So your friends don’t matter? Got it.

You could drop hints about one of them trying it on on these walks home and so you definitely want to be alone now.

That will give them more to gossip about than your safety!

She's not responsible for her friends' feelings or their reactions. How about they feel guilty for manipulating her into a situation she doesn't want to be in?

Ok maybe allow was the wrong word. What I meant was he’s a gentleman and we would both prefer to see a friend home than for them to walk home themsellf.

However walk home yourself and hope for the best!

I just hope that you always get home safe. Having been on the receiving end of a random man attack ping me then I’d be eternally grateful for someone walking me home safely.

I feel conflicted about this - one one hand it's infuriating when someone doesn't respect your personal boundaries. On the other hand, I've been followed three times on the way home late at night. One of the times my friends (mix of men and women) insisted on walking me to my door. I laughed them off given we were at the bottom of my road and home was a two minute walk away. In that short distance, an awful opportunist seized the chance to follow me.

Again the myth that it is strange men leaping out from bushes who are a problem! You are far more at risk from men you know, who may use this as on opportunity to get you alone.

Can you imagine how your friends would feel if you didn't make it home one night ?

So how they might feel if I was victim to a minute risk, having made my own choice, is more important than me feeling uncomfortable every weekend?

Text them before the next time that you meet up, tell them that you will be walking yourself home and if they don't agree to stop treating you like a child then you won't be going out at all.

Exactly this. The friends have decided OP is not capable or allowed to make her own decisions about walking home, despite being a mature adult who is out on her own perfectly happily when they’re not there to “look after” her.

Unwanted, un-needed help that annoys the receiver isn’t help. It’s something people do because they want to - they are doing it for themselves, because they want to feel that they’ve done the right thing.

@Youknowaboutthepaint They will only stop if you get serious with them. Don’t just say “no really I’m fine” and so on. You will have to tell them you really, really don’t like it, you’ve said no and they won’t accept your refusal which is wrong of them, it’s really annoying you and upsetting you, and it has to stop. You will need to have this conversation in advance, not just as one of them is getting ready to “insist” on walking you home. If they still insist, you’ll have to just refuse to move until they back off. You’re right in that you shouldn’t have to, but everyone should understand that no means no yet here we are.

All the people saying you should be grateful, or should suck it up to please them, maybe don’t know what it’s like to have other people consistently fail to respect your decisions.