Are UK parents obsessed with getting their kids to bed early?

[RosieLeaLovesTea]

Am I the only one that thinks UK parents are obsessed with getting their kids to bed early? I see posts of 7pm/7.30pm, some as early as 6pm.

I work full time and don’t get home until 6.30pm. We don’t eat until 7pm. So generally 9pm is bedtime. Plus it means that if we do go out at weekends our kids are used to going to bed a bit later.

My 5th old goes to bed at 7.30/7.45 and 9th old 8.15. They both wake between 6.15-7pm regardless of bedtime, in fact the later they go to bed the earlier they wake up. Plus I want some quiet time in the evening. I’m in bed by 10.30

Weird thread. Sure, if we lived in a country where a 2 or 3 hour nap was standard 1-4pm then of course a later bedtime would be grand. But we don’t, the UK runs on a 9-5 culture with hours either side of that and one long chunk of sleep at night. A lot of kids are 4 at starting school. NHS states the average total sleep in 24 hours at this age is 10.5-13h, with 11.5 being standard. If they are up for say 7:30am (which is quite late for a lot of working families, most kids of working parents are up before then), then chances are they should be in bed for before 9 and some will need bed by 6:30pm. It’s not really a case of moral high ground or otherwise, just the number of hours available in the day for sleep.

There’s a correlation between early risers and good mental health. Not necessarily a causation, but seemingly a correlation.

There’s a correlation between early risers and good mental health. Not necessarily a causation, but seemingly a correlation
It's interesting and I wonder if that's linked to other behaviours e.g. if someone's up all night then is it gaming or insomnia or poor sleep hygiene or illness, excessive sugar and caffeine consumption etc.

Also, light exposure could be a big factor.

When I used to get up later/ sleep later, before I had kids) I often felt I was chasing the day and trying to keep up.
Now I’m an early riser and early sleeper (usually), I feel much more in control of the day and tasks I have to do.
I have time to take pleasure in my morning rather than it be a manic rush where I arrive at work still tired.

I have an issue with the concept of "quality time". It smacks of parents putting too much pressure on themselves to make every precious second outside of work count. It also has a whiff of compensating/ guilt to it. I think plain, old-fashioned "time with your children" is a better phrase.

I think it's important for children to learn to fit in with adult activities, to learn to let mum sit in peace and read a book or listen to a podcast or watch a sport or something else on TV in the evening and isn't available all the time for entertainment or refereeing or help. Obv this is when children get beyond the toddler stage. Being a bit less child focused means you can have a relaxing time all together in the evening.

Yes and no. Just having the child in your vicinity doesn't count and you should be spending some quality time with them if you haven't seen them for most of the day. That doesn't mean they should be kept up for it if they are tired and need to sleep.

I absolutely agree with you, but it’s not me who is judging parents whether they put their children to bed earlier or later, so you don’t need to convince me.

'Just having the child in your vicinity doesn't count and you should be spending some quality time with them if you haven't seen them for most of the day.'

Why though? I don't remember my parents making a big fuss of spending quality time together when I was a child. We all just went about our day to day business during the week. It was fine the moments I felt loved, that I remember most, are my mum talking to me when she was loading the washing machine, sitting at the kitchen table with my sister while she bustled about the kitchen, all sitting in the car together on the way to school, getting tucked into bed at night. Normal stuff you just do anyway.

I completely disagree.

Why do you think such a thing as "quality time" exists?
What makes it different from any other kind of time, and what is the impact of "quality time" on a child as opposed to humdrum time or whatever other kind of time there is?

What would be the child's perspective on the company of his or her parents?
What would the child's expectations of time with parents be, in your opinion?

My son has always gone to bed late. Gets up late too. I’ve never timed naps, and just let him sleep when he needs it. I just don’t over think it. Same with eating, there’s no real pattern. He eats when he’s hungry. Dint know if I’m right or wring, parenting-wise. But it works for us. We chat & play a lot as a family in the evening. I really enjoy my child’s company, no interest in watching TV or having adult-time / glass of wine…

I think it's important for children to learn to fit in with adult activities, to learn to let mum sit in peace and read a book or listen to a podcast or watch a sport or something else on TV in the evening and isn't available all the time for entertainment or refereeing or help. Obv this is when children get beyond the toddler stage. Being a bit less child focused means you can have a relaxing time all together in the evening
I agree with this and think this is closely linked to the number of parents who say that their never get to sit down all day when they're with their children, they never get any chores done with their children around, their children won't play independently for 15 minutes so a parent can get something done.

So to summarise

British parents shouldn’t put children to bed earlier because it means they don’t like spending time with them and they might get up early which everyone agrees is a terrible thing, except when adults get up early and then it’s virtuous

and then either:

British parents should keep their children up later to spend time with them playing games and chatting and reading

british parents should keep their children up later but do their own thing otherwise children will never learn to occupy themselves and will think that adults are there for their entertainment

if adults go to bed early then they have no life

Tinybrother
😂 great post.

I honestly couldn't care less what time other people's kids get up or go to bed, as they pick what works for their schedule and family.
But I do find it annoying that some parents want a badge of honour when they go on about oh you're so lucky to get a lie in til 7am, I'd kill for a lie in, but mine are up at 5 every morning and then it turns out the parents are putting their kids to bed at 6/6.30pm.

I do get why that seems to be the case @LolaSmiles but honestly it seems to make little to no difference in our case.

DS started waking early last summer when he was about 18/19 months. Over the course of the last twelve months, I have tried later bedtimes and it just doesn’t work. A really late bedtime might get me a lie in until 6 (I wish I was kidding!) but then he is so tired. I’ve also tried dropping the nap, tried earlier bedtimes, it just doesn’t make any difference. Today I got a ‘lie in’ until 630 which for DS is really late but he only went to sleep at 9 (I put him to bed at 745 which is later than normal but he was up singing to himself for ages!) Then he was up in the night.

I honestly don’t mind what others do but it’s exasperating when people make out sleep is like a mathematical formula where children will sleep ten hours from when you put them to bed: they just don’t, or not all of them anyway.

My DC have always been late to bed compared to others and still get up early 😬 yes it's an English thing. I think it's a bit mean to expect an 8 year old to go to sleep at 8pm or whatever, when it's a lovely sunny evening.

Each to their own I’d say, although don’t put them to bed early and moan when they wake early.
My younger ones go to bed at about 8:30/9:00pm and get up at 7:00am but by the time they’ve got ready for bed and had a read it’s probably closer to 10:00pm by the time they go to sleep.
It works for us!

I have night owls. Fortunately for much of the primary school years I could get them up at 8am, fed a good breakfast and walk the 5-10 mins to school within an hour.

Some children are early larks, and that's fine. What I do find is that some people get very moralistic over bedtimes, particularly early ones or convoluted, time consuming bedtime routines.

DM annoyingly has it in her head that because I haven't forced my children unwillingly to bed at the golden hour of 7pm, that they have no bedtime routine at all and that I am therefore a terrible mother. No amount of correcting that ever sinks in.
The reality of her ridiculously early, arbitary bedtimes so she could have her Adult Time was a general reluctance to go to bed and a battle, then lying there awake listening to the theme tunes of The Bill, then Van der Valk or other 9pm dramas playing in and out while I was bored in a darkened room for hours. In the summer with a couple of hours of daylight, it wasn't so bad to get away with trying to read, but in winter there'd be a telling off for trying to read by streetlight or crack of light by the door, and dire warnings about the health of my eyesight would be given.

I work with my children's body clocks combined with the reality of routine. There is a tech off, upstairs winding down time. DS (10) has a lights off time. That's fizzling off for autistic DS (12) as long as he's doing something restful.

7pm never worked for us. When they were little and at nursery, we weren't home before 6pm. With no baby sitters, not being tired until 8pm meant that it was viable to go out to somewhere like Morrisons Cafe for a night out together and do food shopping after work and spend time together.

Time just rubbing along together is valuable and often more so than Quality Time. Hanging around the kitchen meant I learned how to cook without being taught. Hanging around my dad gardening meant I learned a lot about the garden and nature. Being together is valuable. That feeds back into bedtimes, as we generally try to eat together as a family as that's a good time to all catch up together. I never wanted to do split service dinners especially if it involves multiple dinners (as some meals keep better than others)

@Ofcourseididthat I totally agree. DS1 went through a 5am phase at around that age and I am sure lots of people like @LolaSmiles thought to themselves "but they are putting him to bed at 6:30". I see why you would think that but it honestly made absolutely no difference when we put him to bed later, except that he was more tired. Putting him to bed earlier meant I could go to bed early as well to prepare for the 5am start. We gave it a really long trial as well, we didn't give up after a couple of nights.

Nothing really worked except time to get him to sleep longer in the morning but we did train him to stay in his room until the gro clock sun came up and play quietly till 6/6:30.

But I do understand why people say it, because I can see it's really child dependent. DS2 is a lot more flexible - he can go to bed anytime between 6 and 8:30 and will make up the sleep in the morning. We prefer to keep their schedules the same but we absolutely could change DS2's if we wanted to.

I don't know if it's an introvert thing but while my kids are now old enough to occupy themselves, I don't find it the same thing as being able to properly switch off from parenting. I really like and need proper time on my own, even if my 7 year old is quietly reading a book, he is still there and I still feel like I am "on duty".

I think any one from abroad notices this , no other country does it lol . We like having the kids with us and play a bit with them before bed so mine have never been to bed before 8:30 pm later now at 7 .

My little one needs 12 hours sleep to be able to function. So if he needs to be up at 7am for pre school then unfortunately he needs to be sleeping at 7pm to be able to get enough sleep.

Most countries do not have a nap culture apart from Spain and kids there are up often until 10:30 or later and start school at 8 am . I’ve lived in 5 different countries and the U.K. is the only that put kids to bed this early , other people in different countries often joke “ English people don’t seem to want to spend time either their children “ , I’m not saying I agree with this by the way , but it’s often said .

I’m happy to put my hand up and say that I definitely don’t want to spend time with my kids past about 8.30/9pm when they’re horribly overtired grumpy messes. Maybe they’d get used to staying up that late and adjust? But I’m quite content with how much I see of them! What are these parents in other countries actually doing with their kids that late?!

13 hours of them a day is sufficient for me thanks

@Grumpyfroghats same here. I imagine when DS is a bit older we might be able to introduce a Gro clock to encourage him to stay in his room / bed for a bit longer, but he’s just an early riser.

Interestingly there is a bit of family history there. My grandmother (dads mum) and dad both were early wakers and so was I until I had DS. We all seemed to find it very difficult to go back to sleep after waking up. I’m 36 weeks pregnant now and feel like I could sleep all morning, though!