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Original poster

Why am I so upset about this? AIBU?

32 replies

User63847484848 · 18/06/2023 14:57

Sorry not feeling quite strong enough for AIBU.
I’m fairly recently separated - 5 months - and my Dc are with their dad this weekend as they are every other weekend.
I instigated the split but it’s still been really hard.
my parents live nearby as does one of my sisters with her family.
I don’t know why really but I didn’t ask my dad what he was doing for Father’s Day. I suppose I thought they might be away in their caravan as they often are on summer weekends. I’ve seen my parents this week and it didn’t come up about this weekend but they know it’s the week without my kids.

i haven’t had much on this weekend as messaged a few friends but they were all busy, I just tried to fill my weekend with jobs and errands. I got my dad a card and pressie for Father’s Day and drove round to drop it off on my way to the shops. I thought if they were in I’d stop in and say hi and if they weren’t I’d leave it inside.
As I drove up I saw my sisters car in the drive, she was obviously there with her dh and Dc having lunch with my parents. I felt myself getting really upset and tearful and was surprised they hadn’t mentioned it to me and invited me.
I drove on past instinctively then went back and left the card and pres on the doorstep.
I know I should’ve rung the bell and gone in to say hi but didn’t want them to see me tearful and I kind of feel like if they’d wanted me there they would have invited me.
but then maybe it’s my fault as I never enquired what dad was doing for Father’s Day and didn’t make a set time to see him?
don’t know why I’m feeling so upset about it but am home again from the shop and had a really good cry.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 18/06/2023 15:12

How do you know they were having lunch? Perhaps they just dropped in like you did? Maybe they dropped in and were invited to stay for lunch?

WimpoleHat · 18/06/2023 15:16

Kindly - I think you’re reading too much into this. If you’ve recently separated from your DH and don’t have your kids this weekend, they might well have thought it was a bit insensitive to invite you to spend the day with someone else’s husband and kids. Plus - if it was your sister who asked to come, she might have felt a bit put out if they’d said “oh, yes, do come - but we’ll have to ask your sister too”. Just because you weren’t included doesn’t mean you were actively excluded, if you see what I mean?

Original poster
User63847484848 · 18/06/2023 15:23

I know you’re right
we don’t all have to see our parents at once (there’s another sibling who lives a bit further away), I think it just felt shit as I’ve been feeling lonely this weekend but not good at reaching out to family
pretty sure they were there for lunch

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SmileyClare · 18/06/2023 15:29

If they live nearby, why don’t you go back? Knock on the door this time and give the present in person. It’s probably still sitting on the doorstep. I’m sure you’ll be invited in!

Youre probably just feeling a bit sensitive and down about things, I’m sure your parents would be happy to see you Flowers

Pointypointything · 18/06/2023 15:34

Why not ring and ask if they're in/what they're upto? I would do this. I do understand how you feel but you don't know for sure that they've deliberately excluded you - or even if they were there for lunch! Also agree with pp that they may have felt it insensitive to invite you but that doesn't mean they wouldn't love to see you! Please pop in OP - don't mean to be mor I'd but none of us know how many days we have left

Cakeorchocolate · 18/06/2023 15:46

I think the onus is on the child to make arrangements to see the parent on fathers / mothers day, if you want to see them that is.

Remotecontrolatmyside · 18/06/2023 15:47

They're not mind readers.

Deathbyfluffy · 18/06/2023 15:48

There’s no way you can know they were having lunch - without knowing you’re being unreasonable.
There’s absolutely nothing to suggest they weren’t just popping past to drop off a present and card, exactly as you were.

Floralnomad · 18/06/2023 15:48

I think you’ve made a massive leap , you should have rung the doorbell .

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/06/2023 15:51

I don't understand how you can know or be sure they were having lunch. It could have been just your sister popping over for a cuppa to drop the present off.

You didn't see anything so you don't know anything.

thisthenthat · 18/06/2023 15:55

I don't have adult children so I don't know if I'll always feel this way, but I think I'd be a little hurt if I hadn't heard from my daughter by late lunchtime on Mothers day. You didn't call so maybe they couldn't share that they were having lunch?
Sorry you're not feeling great and hope you start to feel better soon x

EasterBreak · 18/06/2023 15:56

So you don't even know they were there for lunch and hadn't arranged seeing your dad even though you were free. Yabu.

Dumpruntime · 18/06/2023 16:01

It’s highly feasible they dropped by and were invited to stay for lunch.
I think uou need to examine the back story on why you reacted like this, weeping, leaving it on the doorstep etc. why you didn’t enquire as to Father’s Day or even wish him it this morning and say you’d drop by later.

to be honest it’s a type of attention seeking behaviour as you know they will react when they see you’ve done this. I assume at the time you knew this and wanted them to know.

Dumpruntime · 18/06/2023 16:03

Wait sorry they were there at the same time as you were dropping by but you assume they were invited for lunch and you weren’t?

is there a back story to that?

Els1e · 18/06/2023 16:07

Your sister might have done exactly what you were intending to do by popping in. I know you are probably feeling a bit raw emotionally at the moment. However, getting upset at something which may or may not have happened is a bit odd. Do you think you are depressed? Pop back round and knock on the door. You’ll feel better for it.

thecatsmeows · 18/06/2023 16:09

My best friend (male) is like this with his family and it drives me fucking nuts.

He's got two sisters, doesn't get on with one of them (petty drama, created by him) and 'sees his arse' (as he puts it) every time his parents dare to see her/do something with her and her children that doesn't involve him ...even though when they are together he ignores her!

Recently she got married and he's thrown a fit (he wasn't invited, naturally). Firstly because the sister he does get on with didn't tell him (or lied) about going abroad for her hen do. Secondly because (and this one takes the cake) 'My parents dared to look happy in the wedding photos and not like they were sad I wasn't there'...seriously, that's word for word what he said. This is a grown man of nearly 40!

Like my friend, you need to grow up. You didn't ask your father what he was doing, so this is all on you. Don't throw a childish strop because your family do stuff that doesn't involve you.

Modaboutyou · 18/06/2023 16:11

Sorry OP but I think you're being a little dramatic on this one. You dont know they were having lunch. Why didn't you just pop in with the gift? Why didn't you reach out to them, knowing you had no plans, and see what they were doing?

ProfessorXtra · 18/06/2023 16:24

Op I think you are stuck in a negative cycle where you are actively making yourself sad. Maybe deep down you feel you need to punish yourself.

Or maybe this is a pattern of behaviour you have done for a while and often set up situations where you can be viewed as the victim or the one being pushed out.

You made no effort to include your father in your plans. You say you assume they would be at the caravan, but also dropped by just incase they were in. It’s Father’s Day and you didn’t arrange to see him at all. Seemed convinced he wouldn’t be in, but also that he might. You have seen your sisters car so made up a whole situation where they purposely left you out and should have just known that you were lonely as your friends were busy.

You then refused to join them by driving past but went back and left the present and card on the door step. Is that so they will know you were there and saw your sisters car? Are you hoping that will make them feel guilty or caught out? That they will all of a sudden, magically know you saw the sister and guessed they purposely left you out? Even though you don’t know if that’s true. You couldn’t have possibly gone home and called him and said ‘can I pop round with your gift?’

i think you really need to explore what’s really going on. Be honest with yourself and work through it. Because this sort of thing will set you up for a miserable life and will negatively impact your kids and everyone else.

TooJoy · 18/06/2023 16:31

I know this isn’t AIBU but you are BU.

Your sister was there because she made the effort.
Why should your dad ask you what you’re doing for Father’s Day when it’s his day?

I’d send a text apologising for not seeing him on the day but you were extremely busy and then invite him round yours for a meal next weekend.

mosiacmaker · 18/06/2023 17:04

Hmm I think it’s up to the child to organise something for Father’s Day or Mother’s Day. The fact that you didn’t probably made them assume you were busy. Instead of feeling upset with them I would be feeling a bit guilty in your shoes! (I know not exactly helpful but maybe a better emotion than feeling rejected!)

Dumpruntime · 18/06/2023 17:19

I also think you need to apologise. Have you even wished him happy Father’s Day yet? And how do you think he will feel when he finds your card and present on the doorstep. That you didn’t even bother to come in and give him it.

however they are your family. Are they maybe used to this sort of thing from you?

Nofreshstarthere22 · 18/06/2023 17:24

Wow its fathet’s day, onnus on you to see what your df wants to do

TolkiensFallow · 18/06/2023 17:45

You should have arranged something with your father I’m afraid.

My sil has a tendency to feel left out when we do things with DH parents but we are adults. We can’t all do everything together all the time.

To be honest, one of you should have hosted him.

Original poster
User63847484848 · 18/06/2023 18:58

Yes agree it was an odd reaction and it kind of took me by surprise.

I had already wished him happy Father’s Day on the family WhatsApp group along with my siblings

it was kind of the opposite of attention seeking in a way as I know it was an over reaction but couldn’t stop my instinctive tearfulness so I didn’t want to arrive and them to see I was upset. I just couldn’t switch it off and be breezy. But then I realised it was crap not to give him his card and pres by lunch time so hence went back and put it there.

Then I worried about the heat so messaged him to say it was on the doorstep and he said thank you.

im aware that he/they probably think it’s odd or rude I didn’t come in and they don’t seem to realise I could’ve been upset or felt excluded.

I know I should’ve asked him his plans so I think part of it was feeling crap about not doing that.

dont know what to do now - want to apologise for not dropping in but am embarrassed by my reaction and don’t want to make them feel bad.

our family don’t really talk about feelings that much.

I do think they were there for lunch not dropping by because my sis has young kids and she is quite structured around meal times.

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 18/06/2023 19:02

Father's Day is about your dad.

You didn't ask him what his plans were, or offer to do anything with him and then you didn't even knock with his present and card.

I mean this gently but you've made his day all about you.