DP never gets round to do anything and it's driving me insane

[ratsnestwires]

Feeling increasingly down about DP's seeming inability to get things done. The house is literally falling apart in places and won't do anything although he says he will, he just never gets round to doing it. Or he quite often gets halfway through a job and then leaves it and then I feel like I'm nagging him to get things done / finished.

Another example is that I'm undertaking quite a big DIY job which I'm quite enjoying but there is something I need him to do which he hasn't done which means I can't get on with it.

Also won't hear of us getting anyone in to do anything.

In other aspects of our partnership he's great - cooks, cleans, does things with our DC. He's definitely not what I would describe as lazy in anyway.

Just to add that he's perfectly capable of doing anything I ask him to do and I now do any jobs I'm able to

These probably sound like small things but there are so many others and he never gets round to doing things and it's just making me feel more and more fed up.

So he won't do it but won't let you hire somebody else to?
Why are you accepting this?
"Dp I've arranged for someone to come round on Wednesday to complete that job that needs doing "
"If you don't want them to do it, have it completed by then please"
That should solve it either way

Just get someone in. He cant not do it AND tell you not to get someone in to do it. Explain it needs doing in the next week if it's not done get someone in.

Ask him why it bothers him to have someone else involved in these jobs. It would be interesting to hear. But only as a precursor to getting someone in.

Sounds familiar, my DH is also a half a job guy (or finishes the job and leaves the tools out once he's done). Annoyingly he has a friend who trained as a carpenter, but can also do other odd jobs like plastering to a 'good enough for us' standard and never charges much money. He always puts off asking him though. It seems to be a combination of not really caring a great deal about the state of the house and garden and not wanting another man to work on his house as he could have a go at doing the job himself.

He can't stop you getting someone in to help you. Just pay for someone to do it.

Pay someone to do it or learn to do it yourself. There’s no such thing as girl jobs and boy jobs anymore.

The OP is doing it herself. She also wants to pay someone to do the jobs and he's objecting.

Many DIY jobs need two pairs of hands, so while the OP is getting on with things (and it sounds like he's cooking, cleaning and looking after DC, so it's not like she's found herself doing everything) it won't always be the case that she can do all the DIY without his input at all.

Yes, you’re right @BarbaraofSeville I read the OP too quickly. But still, he’s not going to magically change because a bunch of people on the internet agree that he’s lacking, so OP needs a different approach to getting the jobs done.

I'd find that so annoying.

My partner is the same sometimes, if I see something needs doing I just get on and do it but he's not like that.

We don't have lots of DIY, even just changing a lightbulb or putting things in the attic takes months.

My estranged father was the same. Once I start getting really annoyed, I say something like "I bet my pathetic father took this long to do such and such" - it gets him moving.

my dh too
so much stuff needs to go to the tip
unfortunately i have a small car. so rely on dh.

i love a tip trip!

our xmas tree is still not in the attic! @trampoline123

@ratsnestwires
i think you will just have to get someone in

Depressingly this really resonates.

to those saying about getting someone in, it just doesn’t feel that simple and I don’t know why. Mentally it’s a block for me because it’s become this unspoken sticking point. That probably sounds pathetic of me (certainly makes pathetic reading).

I do DIY but there are things I just don’t know how to do.

Stop asking. Get someone else in without his inputs. Tell him if he comments that you've lost patience and to stay the fuck out of it.

It's only hard the first time. Once you've got someone in once, it'll be a lot easier to do after that.

Just get someone in to do some of the jobs. I know you said there is a weird sticking point with this but just do it. Possibly it’ll be a bit of motivation for him to get things done.

Does he have ADHD? My husband and I do and this is how we end up sometimes too. Lots of unfinished tasks, things stacking up. We’ve made a rule now that we never start a new room/DIY task until the previous one is completely finished….after having the issue of multiple unfinished tasks in the last home we had. We also make to do lists on paper and plan what we are going to do each weekend. I often have to step in to point out what needs to be prioritised as my DH otherwise will do something not urgent even if there is something more urgent to do.

We’re not perfect but by making this rule and writing out to do lists for each free day we have for DIY we have kept on top of things a little better.

I think often the more there is to do the harder it is to do things as it becomes overwhelming.

My mother lived in a badly maintained house for decades because 'your father won't pay for someone to do it'

I told her she needed to grow a pair any pay for what she needed done that she can't do herself as she looked after the finances anyway!

She never did and eventually sold the property after divorce for a fraction of what it could have been worth had they kept up with repairs.

I bet it makes my penny pinching money grabbing dad sick that the new owners took over, renovated and sold their £150,000 investment for £550,000

My friend has a tip for you here as she has the same struggles.

She uses post-it notes and writes down task steps in order of priority. She then stacks them on top of each other in the right order and tackles one at a time.

If you get someone in to finish the work, it may give your DH the motivation to pull his finger out with the other jobs. But if it doesn't, a) the work will have been completed, and b) it will feel easier to pay a professional next time.

Give him a deadline, say I need x doing by this date if it is not done I will be getting someone in to do it as you will have made it clear by not doing it that you cannot or won't and I am no longer happy with it remaining undone. It is not fair for you to expect your inaction to have no effect on my enjoyment of our home. Then crack on.

Ah fab!!!!!! I will use that. Interestingly I use a lot of post it notes at work and often end up looking like my desk is some type of alternative art installation. Such a simple idea to stack them in order of priority!!! Thanks!

He doesn't want someone in to do the jobs he can do for several reasons, likely a mix of ego, control and finance.
It's a sticking point because he's told you you're "not allowed" to get trades in to do that work he's not doing.

That's why it feels difficult, because he has told you not to do it, he won't hear of it, and you know there will be kick back.

Remember he doesn't have to authorise your decisions or sign off any work on the house, if you've both already agreed it's getting done.

I'd personally push through and go ahead, no he won't be happy and it may cause upset but you're not happy as it is and at least you'll be able to continue with your project. I had one like this, it's horrible and was part of much wider control that I couldn't see at the time.

You say outsourcing is a weird sticking point but you also say that jobs not being done or being half done are getting to you and “it's just making me feel more and more fed up.”

Extrapolate the feeling of being fed up. How will you feel about this and your husband in a few months time, a few years time when you’re still surrounded by jobs he hasn’t started or completed? And now compare this to how you feel about getting someone in to do specific tasks you have previously asked your husband to do. Which is worse for your marriage? I know what my answer would be.

I sometimes get that sick feeling of dread when I have to tell my child “no” because I know it will likely end in a tantrum that I don’t want to deal with, but I still do it because in the long run it is infinitely preferable to a child who has no boundaries or discipline.

Ikr! I was well impressed when she told me and I use it for big things as I get overwhelmed with big tasks and I don't even have adhd 😁

Another is that when she throws a party with friends everyone gets allocated a job. So in the past I've been in charge of making sure everyone has a drink as they arrive another time DJ and another time games master. You get the job that needs doing as you walk through the door lol

This shares the hosting responsibility out a bit and prevents friend becoming an overwhelmed puddle on the kitchen floor.

If your having a party with friends they don't (we don't!) mind 😁

I had the same problem but years ago I put my foot down and now let DH know when I've booked someone in to get certain jobs done.

Today I have a garden maintenance man coming at 10:30, DH just nods along now.