DP never gets round to do anything and it's driving me insane

[ratsnestwires]

Feeling increasingly down about DP's seeming inability to get things done. The house is literally falling apart in places and won't do anything although he says he will, he just never gets round to doing it. Or he quite often gets halfway through a job and then leaves it and then I feel like I'm nagging him to get things done / finished.

Another example is that I'm undertaking quite a big DIY job which I'm quite enjoying but there is something I need him to do which he hasn't done which means I can't get on with it.

Also won't hear of us getting anyone in to do anything.

In other aspects of our partnership he's great - cooks, cleans, does things with our DC. He's definitely not what I would describe as lazy in anyway.

Just to add that he's perfectly capable of doing anything I ask him to do and I now do any jobs I'm able to

These probably sound like small things but there are so many others and he never gets round to doing things and it's just making me feel more and more fed up.

make a list of things that he won't do then get a handyman to do them all in one go.

or - do yourself.

As a single parent I never really understand why people put up with this behaviour. In my house if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Makes you very self reliant.

Any partner who isn't pulling his weight should be reconsidered as to if he's worth staying with.

There's another post on here which is very similar and the op has now started to either do it herself or gets people in. It's inspiring, I'll see if I can find it as it may help you in your situation.

You need to make it clear: if you need something done to progress with your task either he does it by X date or you'll get someone in.

Perhaps he really doesn’t like DIY. It’s stereotypical that ‘men’ do, but actually of course they don’t all, just as not all women like cooking and cleaning. You say he does other things, so he’s not lazy, or irresponsible, he doesn’t like ( is aware that he is not very good at?) DIY. Because if the expectation that he ‘should ‘ do it, though, he feels that to get some one into do it is being a ‘failure’ . I think you have just got to get someone in ( easier said than done round here, but that’s another story) and just do it as a fait accompli ‘ the plumber is coming to fix the shower on Tuesday, can you take the kids out somewhere’.

I know that all the strivers for perfection will be accusing me of ‘ pandering’ and would much rather that you have a big scene and LTB, but more than forty years with the same man have taught me that if you can work round each other’s shortcomings, you will be happier.

I have no explanation or strategy for the Christmas Tree though. that’s just one of those bizarre man things. ( looks at pressure washer in the middle of the garage , not on its hook….)

There’s this one: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4772152-sorting-our-lives-out-dp-hates-it?page=5&reply=126487670

I usually find if I start doing that job especially in front of him, he'll want to take over to show me how to do it properly. I can then wander off and and he's left doing that job.

Reminds me of the woman who was married to a decorator. He never got round to papering their hall. So she did it herself. When he got home and saw the state of it he redid it that night - in case anyone thought her handiwork was his 🤣

But yes, I'd do it myself or get someone in, regardless of his moaning about cost etc

It's only a mental block because you haven't done it yet.

Make that phone call and get the appointment booked - it will be SO much easier once it's done!

There’s no such thing as girl jobs and boy jobs anymore.

True for about 98% of jobs, but there are certain jobs where physical size and strength comes into it. For example, I lifted all of the crazy paving from our garden, so we could lay turf. However, some parts had extremely thick concrete and, unfortunately, I wasn't tall enough or strong enough to safely use the jack hammer which was needed to get this up.

Also, finding tradespeople to do certain jobs is incredibly difficult. We need to take down an old outbuilding. I've tried calling around handymen but noone is interested in taking the job.

My friends tactic was to make sure she walked past him (preferably while he wasn’t doing anything) with his power tools in her hands, and she’d say she was going to have a go herself.

She said he usually jumped up at once. Whether it was to stop her using/ruining his tools, or because he knew she wouldn’t know what she was doing.

This was 25 years ago when girls were never taught about DIY jobs. It’s also debatable whether learning to do DIY is a good thing, if it becomes just one more thing the woman does in the home, while her husband sits around.

Thanks all so much. For those of you asking about ADHD, funnily enough DD (who has diagnosed ADHD) said she definitely thinks he has it too (although he’s actually the most organised person I know on many ways). She’s been asking him to fix something in her room for ages and he just never gets round to doing it (which really pisses me off that she has to put up with it too).

I’ve just read bits of the other thread someone linked here and wow that woman is incredible. We’re not at a stage where it’s going to make the marriage breakdown but I can’t go on like this forever and at some point I want to move and the state the house is getting in would put anyone off buying it, so I can see it getting to that stage.

So familiar. My husband is the same. It drives me mad..half-jobber plus trail of mess while doing that half job.

Dh is the opposite, just gets things done. Loads of my friends put up with it, but I can't grasp why. I just wouldn't. I don't know why you do.

Lucky you. Sounds great.

I bet there are things in your marriage that other people wouldn't tolerate either.

For me, it's not a huge deal that DH doesn't always get around to painting a wall or pressure washing a patio. It clearly doesn't bother your friends that much either or they'd do something about it.

OP, I think that you need to get it across to him just how damaging this is to you.

My friends husband was like this and when she had enough, she just told him that he had X date to get these jobs done.

She was then going to get someone else in.
She too wanted the house finished.
He didn't get them done so she contacted someone.
Her husband was very upset.

She told him straight that she was increasingly unhappy and that it was in both their interests that the house be finished as she was not having a second child with him and that it might be better if the house sold.

He was genuinely shocked, thought she was over reacting and then was even more shocked when she just admitted she was worn out from being the only one driving the doer upper HE had wanted.

I think the realisation that she was serious really helped him.

He admitted that he was tired and overwhelmed and they got people in to jump start the work and he actually did much better as a work along person.

They sold the house and bought a small house in good condition in an area they loved.

No more children.
She never changed on that score and remained working fulltime.

It takes real discipline to do a lot of diy.
My husband is that type and we fully renovated our house over 9 months 25 years ago.

After the builders left it was all the cosmetic jobs, every single weekend, but we were childless.

Can't imagine doing it with children.

If he won't do/finish things force the issue by making a unilateral decision and get someone in. Why wait for him to agree.

How can you make someone do a job ?

@greyhairnomore - I wish I bloody knew!

I’m following closely OP.

My partner is like this and we live in a half finished hell. We don’t have enough money to buy in people to do these things so they remain unfinished. Prior to getting ill I was able to do all these things myself.

My partner was diagnosed with adhd a year or so ago and instead of finding workarounds he has resigned himself to the fact nothing ever gets finished so now he doesn’t even bother starting. I can’t raise that point though because then he thinks I’m saying he’s using the adhd as an excuse. Can’t win.

he used to be quite useful and while finishing details and fine touches were often left out of a project for the most part things got done. Not anymore. I live in a hoarders shitehole and I hate it.

Just get someone in. He's had multiple chances. If you're feeling charitable you could say if that thin g isn't fixed by next week Im calling a handy man.

I really feel for you. It’s soul destroying isn’t it. Like you we don’t have loads of money to get people in but could definitely for a couple of jobs which would make a huge difference. But there’s also lots of small jobs which would take a few hours at most but he never gets round to them and would just make the place look better. I do what I can but it’s starting to feel like it’s tipping past the point of getting things ever finished.

house feels like it’s looking extra shit today so I’m feeling extra moany.

OP, in your place I would cut back on all treats in the house.

I would be unavailable and disinterested in discussing anything other than the house.

You have every right to want to protect your MH.

He doesn't care.

You need to realise.

Getting the house finished will give you options.

If he's not with you, he's against you and you are no more than his carer.

You have every right not to accept this.