Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Strange situation between DH and a guy on our estate

73 replies

wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 21:46

We've lived on our pleasant, unremarkable housing estate for about 12 years now. There's quite a distinctive guy on the estate who has been here at least since we moved in (distinctive dogs and hair style, don't think he works, often see him about).

My DH is extremely introverted, he's on waiting list for autism assessment and really goes out of his way to avoid conflict and social situations generally.

Anyway, since wfh DH is out and about with our dog a lot more and he and this guy would nod hello or whatever.

Suddenly, about six months ago DH said this guy is suddenly really hostile when DH sees him out and about. DH wasn't sure why or what could have triggered it but started with things like:

  • DH walking down the street and the guy sees him and shouts "oh for fuck's sake!" then crosses the road and get away from DH.
  • DH sees him near the doctor's surgery, not near enough to hear anything but sees guy actively cross the road away from him muttering away to himself.
  • DH and I walking our dog by the river and pass by him. Guy walks past saying loudly to his dogs "just ignore them".

Ok, so until this point could be put down to having a bad day or misunderstanding or similar.

Today DH is walking up the shopping district and crosses paths with bloke from our estate who is carrying a bag of dog food over his shoulder.

Bloke throws dog food bag on the pavement, takes out his phone and starts recording DH and is saying "so here I am just out to buy dog food and he here is AGAIN" filming DH as he walks past.

As I said, DH is very introverted and hates any kind of conflict so an "oi, mate, ,what's the problem?" is not going to go very far. DH isn't physically scared of this man (DH is 6 ft 5 and literally twice the size of this bloke" but doesn't want to engage in any drama, particularly since we live literally two roads apart.

My take on this is that this bloke is unstable, it doesn't matter what he thinks DH has done "wrong" the behaviour not normal.

The bloke also has a video camera pointing from the window of his flat directly onto the footpath so nothing to do with the front of his property, he's just literally filming people as they go about their business. Bit strange/paranoid as far as I can tell.

I spoke to my neighbour and she knows the guy by sight and said he's engaged in conspiracy theory talk with him before and he's ranted and seemed a bit paranoid and has been known to shout and swear at another bloke who lives nearby.

I've said to DH just change his route and avoid walking past this guy's house because it seems like whatever 'contact' DH has with this guy (AKA known as passing him in the neighbourhood) and fueling whatever this is and escalating his behaviour.

Neighbour told me to log it with 101 (classic MN advice) which DH is not going to do.

Any other ideas/insights?

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:28

Poppetsss · 17/06/2023 23:27

He's fixated on your DH, mental health issues or not, it isn't really going to get better on its own.

I'm not entirely sure the police will be able to say/do much but perhaps if you tell them he has a paranoid obsession with your DH then they will keep a record of it. Everything builds a picture if it escalates.

If you know who the housing provider is, I'd ask them to do a welfare check on him, maybe explain you're concerned about his behaviour and why. They'll be able to visit and try and get some support for him if they think he needs it. I can't say too much about what happened in case anyone recognises the circumstances but I've worked in this field and housing providers can be really helpful in supporting other services at times.

I'd also change all walking routes entirely.

He's in private rented.

OP posts:
howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 17/06/2023 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm not ok with this comment at all.

OP posts:
Poppetsss · 17/06/2023 23:33

Also, the housing provider is likely to take a dim view of him recording the public footpath. It may be that they are aware of his history and that may form a picture for the housing provider too. They can put pressure on him to remove it. There are usually clauses to prohibit people causing a nuisance to others. Difficult to enforce without evidence but if the CCTV is feeding his paranoia to harass and fixate on your DH, it may just be enough if you have a log of incidents.

A303 · 17/06/2023 23:33

He’s a large slice of Dundee cake.

Poppetsss · 17/06/2023 23:35

wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:28

He's in private rented.

Show quote history

Ah, not much help then. The landlord should be able to discuss the CCTV. The ICO does suggest this.

Ilovelurchers · 17/06/2023 23:44

I can see why this upsets your fella (and by extension, you). It's not pleasant to have somebody act as if you have offended them, when in reality you have done nothing of the sort.

However, nothing he has done has really harmed your husband in any material way, or even threatened him really. So I would suggest it's something not to worry about too much really?

It is unpleasant and not nice yeah. And one assumes the guy doing it has MH issues (unless something has happened your fella hasn't told you about - but you would probably have at least some vague suspicion if that was the case). So not nice to be home, either.

But just try not to worry about it too much. In the overall spectrum of bad things that can happen, it's not that bad - it makes your bloke feel a bit awkward and upset, but it doesn't hurt him. He just needs to ignore and get on with his day.

hugefanofcheese · 17/06/2023 23:45

As others have said it sounds as though there has been a deterioration in his MH and he may be experiencing psychosis and/ or delusions. Could be as simple as he was managing it well with medication previously but has now stopped for some reason.

Do you know his name and/ or address? I would raise this with the local MH crisis team or police. Let them know that you don't know this gentleman well but he has started behaving oddly (give details) and seems to associate your husband with being a threat. Mention the cameras and conspiracy stuff too. They should hopefully be able to visit him and get him the appropriate care.

Original poster
wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:45

Ilovelurchers · 17/06/2023 23:44

I can see why this upsets your fella (and by extension, you). It's not pleasant to have somebody act as if you have offended them, when in reality you have done nothing of the sort.

However, nothing he has done has really harmed your husband in any material way, or even threatened him really. So I would suggest it's something not to worry about too much really?

It is unpleasant and not nice yeah. And one assumes the guy doing it has MH issues (unless something has happened your fella hasn't told you about - but you would probably have at least some vague suspicion if that was the case). So not nice to be home, either.

But just try not to worry about it too much. In the overall spectrum of bad things that can happen, it's not that bad - it makes your bloke feel a bit awkward and upset, but it doesn't hurt him. He just needs to ignore and get on with his day.

I don't recall saying I was upset or worried?

OP posts:
Inkypot · 17/06/2023 23:47

@wellthisisweirdinnit yeah I'm not ok with that comment above either. Really not acceptable.

I hope your husband is ok. I'm autistic too and I know that would rock my comfort level if it were me. Your husband deserves to feel safe and be safe, sorry to read that he's having to experience something so obscure.
The guy evidently has issues of his own to deal with and has decided your husband is somehow responsible. I think you've given your husband really good advice tbh and I'd say there's no harm in reporting to 101 on the basis you're concerned for the man's mental state. He may need help.

Sid077 · 17/06/2023 23:48

Weird obsessive neighbours are becoming more common ime - ignore the behaviour completely and avoid where possible, hopefully he’ll move on. It’s him not your DH although it’s hard to see it that way sometimes when you’re in the thick of it.

WasabiWinner · 17/06/2023 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reported

Ilovelurchers · 17/06/2023 23:50

wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 22:35

Thanks all, we can get to where we need to go by taking a bit of a detour so it's not a huge deal will just take some remembering as we are on autopilot with the shortest route after living here so long.

DH won't be able to avoid him completely because this guy is always out and about - I see him loads myself. He's actually probably the recognisable neighbourhood face I see the most frequently, actually.

It's a shame to avoid the river as the dog loves it, especially in summer. But we have a dog walking route with a stream that goes through the estate next door and we've never seen him on that estate at all, only in the very local area.

I said to DH as well that he may well be watching footage of the path outside his house and just catching a glimpse of DH that way will fuel it.

My sense is that if we starve him of any kind of contact as best we can he will forget or move on to something else.

He isn't attacking or otherwise hurting your husband in any way, from what you describe. So why do you need to change your walking routes, either of you? Or course you don't. Just ignore it if this poorly fella mutters stuff or talks to his dogs or whatever . It's easy to do - just walk on.

Original poster
wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:52

Ilovelurchers · 17/06/2023 23:50

He isn't attacking or otherwise hurting your husband in any way, from what you describe. So why do you need to change your walking routes, either of you? Or course you don't. Just ignore it if this poorly fella mutters stuff or talks to his dogs or whatever . It's easy to do - just walk on.

Show quote history

That's what we've been doing until now but today he was filming DH and broadcasting the footage to we don't know who and that's not something that's within DH's comfort zone.

So best avoided.

OP posts:
hugefanofcheese · 17/06/2023 23:55

wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 22:38

Another thing I remembered is that not so long ago, maybe five or six years ago he had a baby/toddler who has completely disappeared in the last five years.

Presumably contact has been stopped for some reason.

Please don't start extrapolating. If he has a MH problem he doesn't need the extra stigma. He might have split up with the mum and not been the bio father, or even simply be a deadbeat dad. Plenty of perfectly healthy men are this too. Don't turn him into some sort of monster who is a risks to children because he has been acting in line with MH symptoms. Maybe he is but all you know is that he sounds like he is a man whose health has taken a turn for the worse. If you want to solve the issue at hand, either report to someone who may be able to help, stay out of his way as much as you can, or do nothing but the above line of thinking is not helpful.

Original poster
wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:56

Inkypot · 17/06/2023 23:47

@wellthisisweirdinnit yeah I'm not ok with that comment above either. Really not acceptable.

I hope your husband is ok. I'm autistic too and I know that would rock my comfort level if it were me. Your husband deserves to feel safe and be safe, sorry to read that he's having to experience something so obscure.
The guy evidently has issues of his own to deal with and has decided your husband is somehow responsible. I think you've given your husband really good advice tbh and I'd say there's no harm in reporting to 101 on the basis you're concerned for the man's mental state. He may need help.

I really appreciate your post, thank you.

OP posts:
shieldmaiden7 · 17/06/2023 23:57

We've had issues lately of a girl in my daughters year in school accusing us of nonsense like when we go to the local supermarket and she's hanging around outside it or we walk past her block of flats to the train station we are apparently stalking her. She even went as far as to say we had been sending harassing messages online on a social media platform we don't even have. But couldn't prove it when asked as her phone apparently broke. We've gone to extreme measures to prove we aren't and I went to school who advised we got the police who were actually brilliant about it and went to her house and gave her telling off.
I felt ridiculous going to the police and felt like I was wasting police time but honestly relieved I have it all logged now. It seems like the family were abit like this, she had accused a male teacher of touching her inappropriately that was proven a lie and her older sister had falsely accused her ex of rape which was proven to be a lie too.

I suggest you logging on 101 just incase in a manic moment he reports your DH for some ridiculous reason. It honestly sounds like he's just paranoid and you're DH being rather distinctive from his height and being a regular face he sees he's jumping to conclusions that maybe he's following him. At least if it's logged the police will have some record of his behaviour.

Ilovelurchers · 17/06/2023 23:57

wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:45

I don't recall saying I was upset or worried?

Show quote history

Awesome! Well if you are neither upset, nor worried - then there is no problem is there? And I wonder why I wasted minutes of my life replying to what I saw as a concern, when you apparently posted simply in order to describe a situation that doesn't bother you in the slightest? 🤷

JeandeServiette · 17/06/2023 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No, the described behaviour isn't autism and you're being deliberately unpleasant

Original poster
wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:58

hugefanofcheese · 17/06/2023 23:55

Please don't start extrapolating. If he has a MH problem he doesn't need the extra stigma. He might have split up with the mum and not been the bio father, or even simply be a deadbeat dad. Plenty of perfectly healthy men are this too. Don't turn him into some sort of monster who is a risks to children because he has been acting in line with MH symptoms. Maybe he is but all you know is that he sounds like he is a man whose health has taken a turn for the worse. If you want to solve the issue at hand, either report to someone who may be able to help, stay out of his way as much as you can, or do nothing but the above line of thinking is not helpful.

Show quote history

Actually I meant the loss of his child may have been a trigger for whatever is going on now.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:59

Ilovelurchers · 17/06/2023 23:57

Awesome! Well if you are neither upset, nor worried - then there is no problem is there? And I wonder why I wasted minutes of my life replying to what I saw as a concern, when you apparently posted simply in order to describe a situation that doesn't bother you in the slightest? 🤷

Show quote history

It's in chat and I'm chatting?

OP posts:
Hawkins0001 · 18/06/2023 00:01

Sounds like the guy is talking to invisible beings

Hawkins0001 · 18/06/2023 00:01

*beings not on the optical wavelengths of normal human vision

hugefanofcheese · 18/06/2023 00:05

wellthisisweirdinnit · 17/06/2023 23:58

Actually I meant the loss of his child may have been a trigger for whatever is going on now.

Show quote history

Got you, my apologies. Yes, could be a life event that's triggered this.

MeMeMeMeAndMoreMe · 18/06/2023 00:08

I'd report to the police. He may have a history that you don't know about. He sound unwell, and is targeting your husband.

It may be a pattern of behaviour, and he may already be known to the police.