How judgemental are you?

[Peterpauls]

A friend got me thinking, we had a day out and she said for the first time in ages she hadn’t passed judgement in her head on anyone at all that day. I was surprised at how often she judges people (and definitely a trait she’s got from her mother and trying to do it less).

Today in a playpark my toddler said no to me (in toddler fashion) and another mum raised her eyebrows at me.

I honestly don’t really think about other people and what they are doing or not doing. Very occasionally I have passed judgement in my head but normally when someone is doing some thing really unsafe or being rude / obnoxious. I think I’m more happy go lucky in my personality.

How often do you judge other people? If this more common than I think? Doesn’t it take up a lot of mental space?

I definitely used to be, when I was younger, but not at all now. Motherhood has knocked all that nonsense out of me. I think I'm just much too busy to care. Also, I've disgraced myself and forgiven myself so many times, I have more empathy for others now.

Occasionally I will judge others though. Bad drivers still for sure.

Very!

But I'm very selective about what I say out loud.

I genuinely don't think I'm that judgemental...but there is a line. Everyone judges sometimes. Sometimes it isn't even being judgemental though, it's just irritation which makes me think something judgy about someone. Eg, my neighbours having a loud party (happens a lot) and then bellowing like they're at Wembley when they watch the football with their bifold doors wide open 🙄doesn't make me say "ugh so annoying that noise". It somehow morphs into "what is WRONG with those shit people"? That's the irritation talking. Not a genuine judgement. In the cold light of say I can see they aren't shit people.

I did find myself being really judgemental over a news article recently too. The more distanced you are from the people involved the easier it is to judge imo

I'm sure I'm constantly making judgements throughout the day, often subconsciously without really giving it any thought.

Very. Rude people and badly behaved children are top of the list.

Of course we judge - all the time. We are a society. Some things are acceptable in that society, some things are not. Judging and social acceptance is a way of managing that society.

Do we want monogamy in marriage or don't we care? Do we want a work ethic or do we want "understanding" of those that struggle to work? Do we want strict parenting and obedient kids or gentler parenting and more autonomous kids? Do we think stealing is ok or not? Greed, and earning lots of money is good, or not? Charity is good or not? We judge because that's how we shape our society.

We also, as others have said, risk assess all the time. Is that a family we want our kid to have a sleepover at? Is that a man who'd make a good dad or a good partner? Is that customer/client going to be difficult?

It's normal.

I'm far to judgemental it's a big fault of mine

too

All the time! From 'that dress was an unwise choice' to 'ugh why would anyone choose that car'. Also 'gosh that haircut looks great' and 'I wish I was motivated to go running at 6.30am'. I also judge people walking their kids to school while glued to their phones. And my particular pet peeve - dog walkers who walk without watching what their dogs are doing (pooing, annoying other digs or people etc).
I wouldn't call myself judgemental though - I'm not making huge leaps of imagination and thinking I know what kind of people these people are (so don't assume the parents on the phone while walking their kids are neglectful, that someone in an ill fitting outfit has no taste, that the woman with the great hair is a superior human being).

I had a long chat (as a colleague, in the staffroom) with the counsellor who works in my school about judgment. She explained that judgment is entirely the construct and reflection of self, not the other person.

Apparently large amounts of her university training was about losing your judgment of others, or bring hyper aware of feeling judgment so you can check and correct it when you sence it.

So feeling less judgment, and bring able to stop judgmental thoughts, are definitely a good thing ✔

You are mistaken. This is a fact.

Quite judgemental actually. Of people with no morals, of laziness. I can't help it, I can forgive a lot, but there's many things that just get my goat.

As long as it doesn’t affect me or my family people can crack on with their lives. Want to sleep with 500 people but you’re practicing safe sex go ahead you only get one life.

But that suggests you would judge them if they weren’t having safe sex, when in fact their sex life is entirely between them and the person they’re sleeping with.

I think many people are more judgemental than they’d like to admit, it’s just they think their judgements are reasonable and justified.

Judgemental or critical?

I generally don't care about someone else's appearance or behaviour unless it violates basic standards of decency or places other people at risk but I would consider that to be valid criticism.

Me too

Well you’re posting on mumsnet. A place that people go to read others posts and pass judgement on them in the comments. You may not get the most balanced view here.

Depends really.
I'm extremely judgemental about behaviour...loud, noisy folks, poor driving on the motorway, stupid comments, rude behaviour in the supermarket...

But I don't judge re. looks at all. I really couldn't give a shit if someone is in fashion, out of fashion, wearing next to nothing (or even nothing!) in public, has bad hair or no make-up, or still in their pyjamas while delivering their child to school. Doesn't bother me in the slightest!

Everything else, yes, I definitely judge but rarely say anything.

hmmm.

i find people and situations very easy to read. I’m highly empathic and often from a fairly short snippet of interaction see what’s going on between two other people, or what’s going on for someone else.

i have a sense of how things are then going to play out and where they’re in my life enough for me to know I’m very often right.

So I would say I have good judgement. But that a little different to being judgemental.

i find my insight often makes me less judgemental. When I hear someone being judgements about a mutual friend I can often give insight into what may be going on for them which makes the judgy person soften their view a bit.

in the middle of my life I have good boundaries and have learned how to master these traits.

when I was younger it was a bit overwhelming and I found myself expected to be many people’s emotional support but didn’t get supported in return.

i wonder a bit about my old age. My mum is similar and as she heads into older age and looses her filters she is pretty judgy!

I'm judgmental in my head a lot 🤦🏻‍♀️ I drove past a lady in leggings and a long jumper today while it was sweltering heat. My thought was goddam! 👀

I was then sitting in the car people watching while waiting for dd to finish work. My thoughts were how unfortunate looking a lot of people are and wondering who impregnated them 🫣

I judged the lady walking her dog. Or the lady who couldn't park her car. The guy parked on the curb in front of the zebra crossings.

If people say the don't judge they are lying. We all do it.

I’m the same as you OP, I think we must be in the minority as anyone I’ve spoken to about this irl seems disbelieving. It does make me self conscious as I hear what people are saying about others. There’s nothing particularly interesting about me but people pass negative comments about literally anything just to make conversation it seems. Totally alien to me.

I’m extremely judgement. This comes from insecurity

I know the people I’m judging don’t give a fig about me or what I think.

genuinely working on being a judgemental cow, I have a judgement, I cop onto myself and say in my head something kind or how do you know.

all in all being judgey is a cunty thing to do.

I judge peoples food shopping and weight when they put it on the conveyor belt and it's all sugar/ processed.
I know it's bad, can't help it

I have a running commentary in my head all the time. I am hyper vigilant. It is extremely annoying. I can’t shut it off- even during sex- so I ‘judge’ everything- all the time. The judgement isn’t always negative by any means but often simply observations. I guess on the whole o am judgmental and I also judge myself as much as I judge others.

@Cloudburstings this is a super good point. I’m very empathic too and can read a room very easily (thank you childhood trauma) Im a nightmare employee as I always now all the gossip, saw x and y so I can connect they are moving roles etc. People tend to confide in me as I’ve been told I’m non judgemental and easy going.

I wonder if there is a link between how empathic someone is and how judgemental they are?

I love looking at other peoples shopping, not because im judging but I want some good ideas to new meals or new things to try. I love to observe how other people live I find it fascinating.