Turning 40 and feeling lost

[Gemi33]

Tomorrow I turn 40 and I'm feeling quite low and emotional about the whole thing. My life is not at all where I would have thought it would be and it feels like my life has passed me by.

I have been single a long time, never married, just never seem to meet anyone. For the first time in the longest time I met someone online recently who I really like and felt so excited about what might happen but it's looking increasingly like he's lost interest already and I feel so sad. It's so lonely to have been single so long and not have anyone to share things with. I feel completely unlovable. And it now feels like I have also missed any chance I might have had of having children.

I don't like the way I look - need to lose weight which I'm trying to do but feel like looks wise things will only get worse now I've hit 40.

I only have a small number of friends - most of my friends got married and had children and drifted away. I live alone and haven't been able to afford to buy my own home (I rent). I feel like such a failure.

I quite like my job but it is quite stressful and although the pay is ok, when you are on your own it is still difficult to afford to save for a house or to travel. I feel like I just work and that's it.

I don't know what I expect from this post really - I suppose I just have no idea where I go from here. I feel completely without direction and any really significant life changes feel like they would require alot of money etc. which realistically I just don't have. I feel like I'm going to spend the next 40 years growing old alone and without children and it just makes me feel sad and overwhelmed. Has anyone else felt like this? Does anyone have any suggestions for how to cope with and accept the fact that your life has not turned out the way you hoped?

Without anyone else to consider it is easier to make life changes.

Have you thought about other possibilities, adopting perhaps?

Take a career change, move to the coast/a city?

Thank you for your reply. As much as I wanted children, I really didn't want to do it on my own so although I have considered other options it just doesn't feel right for me. Also, given my living situation, being able to have the space and finances to do that would be difficult.

I haven't really thought about moving - as I say I can't afford to buy and my current home is close to my closest friend who is about my only friend alot of the time so wouldn't want to lose that. Plus, it's convenient for my job.

Please don't ask if someone has considered adoption. It kills me when people do this to me.

OP are you actually me? Honestly I could have done the exact same post. I've sent you a pm.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are struggling right now. Big birthdays can mess with our heads in terms of feeling like we should have done certain things etc. and the feeling of time passing us by.
Having said that 40 isn't really that old these days - the only thing that's time sensitive really is that If you want a child, can you research donor conception or surrogacy or similar? There are a few posters on here who have gone down the route of solo parenting like this and seem happy.

Also, take up a new hobby or exercise class that will get you out and about and meeting other people? I have taken up exercise again recently and it's been great for my mental health, as well as feeling stronger.

I'm a year or two younger than you, and in a similar boat in terms of being single without kids, but actually I'm happy with those choices.
There are things I want to change, mostly career wise, and my life has certainly not turned out as I expected in some ways, but I have plans to retrain in the next few years and hope my 40's will be better than my 30 which have been difficult (caring for elderly parents).

The thing is, you have no dependents, so you could radically change your life if you wanted, and there is only you to answer for. You could try volunteering abroad, or saving up to go travelling for a while, or moving somewhere new (if any of that appeals to you).

Think about where you want to be in 10 years, what would you want your life to look like, and start making steps towards that.
It ain't over till it's over!

Apologies, I was so slow to type I didn't see this response yet. Scrap what I said about having a child alone if that's not what you want.

Also, I'm in a similar boat of renting and really having no prospect of buying. Yes, it's shit.
Honestly, the only way I will ever own a house is through inheritance, which is depressing.

Hi OP you are literally me one year ago. Not happy in the house I was living in, struggling with family relationships, hated my job.

I needed a massive boot up the butt to start taking myself and my happiness seriously. You only live once so take charge.
You have to take some time to really think about what you want. In an ideal (but realistic) world, if you could see yourself in a year from now, what things would you change? Obviously there may be things you can’t change for financial reasons, but there are steps you can think about.

Once you know where you want to be, think of steps to get there. Make a plan and stick to it.

As a possible step if you don’t have a lot of money and feel lonely- have you considered a part time evening job in a bar or pub one night a week? It’s some spare cash and a chance to meet people.

Try a life coach?

Writedown goalsyouwant to achieve by 50 then work those back.

Start doing the micro tasks.

The baby thing is time sensitive.

50% of DC's don't live with bio dad by 16 so don't wait for a relationship to have a child.

If you want it do it.

Thank you so much for the replies - I am having to go out soon but will read them in more detail and respond properly when I am back. As much as I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone it is also comforting to know that I am not the only one in this situation, it can feel very lonely at times.

This! OP I admit to being a relentless optimist, but when I see your post I see a world of opportunities. Some people tied to a mortgage, horrible partner and the day in day out schlep of school runs etc would love to trade places with you! The grass is always greener, remember.

If I were you I'd concentrate on yourself completely for the next year - sign up for a big challenge, join a gym, whatever else you want to do, Google seaside towns to love in, consider a bit of travel, etc. The world is your oyster!

I don't understand why adoption is such an odd possibility? If you have love to give a child why not look into to possibility of giving love to a child, love doesn't just occur via blood ties, if they were still alive you could ask my parents, they adopted me.

You are 40 this week OP. So zero birthday. Time to write a short, medium and long term goal list.

Not sure if your work but could you take on extra work at a local pub say, some evenings and weekends? You get to meet a lot of people, perhaps some single guys, and you could put all that extra cash towards a deposit. Whilst you are out at work you will be spending less on electric say at home. You might meet others whom might give you ideas about future options. It will take a bit of time, but it's an idea.

Look on Rightmove. Where could you afford to work and buy? If you could work elsewhere.

You have my many years of life left, and yes perhaps your path is not the settled with kids. But you ask some settled with kids and they had kids with the wrong person.

Life is a gamble for everyone.

Sometimes you have to throw the dice and take a leap.

I don't understand why adoption is such an odd possibility? If you have love to give a child why not look into to possibility of giving love to a child, love doesn't just occur via blood ties, if they were still alive you could ask my parents, they adopted me.

Because adoption nowadays is absolutely not the same as it was 30+ years ago. Women aren't stigmatized as much for being pregnant out of wedlock so there isn't a big industry of mass surrendered perfectly healthy and happy babies put up for adoption from birth/early days of life.

Most adoptees these days are broken by their parents first and traumatized, many have challenging behaviour and are generally older and have been bounced around foster placements and other settings bringing even more issues and insecurities. The hoops you have to jump through to adopt these days are also insurmountable for many people who on paper ought to tick all the boxes and many are disappointed by not being approved to adopt.

It is a HUGE undertaking not a quick fix for someone approaching 40 and childless. Thankfully the OP seems to have her head screwed on about this. I can't believe anyone in this day and age thinks you can just adopt a baby like people go and buy a dog.

I totally get it. I'm 41 and still single. I always ways wanted to get married and have children. But just haven't met anyone. Have a few friends but none of the share my interests. My sister never wanted children so I don't have any nephews or nieces. It's a very lonely place to be. I do get out and to things but it's not the same when you are on your own and everyone else is in a couple.

Thank you all again and sorry for disappearing, I ended up being out all day yesterday but now reading through the replies. Firstly, I'm really sorry to anyone else going through this, I know it's really tough and it can be hard to find anyone in 'real life' who understands, I hope you are all doing ok.

I think part of the problem is that I don't know where I actually want to be or what I want to do with my life. I've never had a particular career in mind really or been overly ambitious in that area. I quite like my job though so that's not the immediate issue. What I ha wanted is to share my life with someone and have a family but that's not something you can make happen. I've done online dating even though I hate it, 'put myself out there more' etc. but it just hasn't happened and feel like it never will now.

People often say how great it is not to have ties etc. and talk about all the things you can do with your life and I do get that view but equally alot of them require money that I don't have and also, as someone as said, some things just aren't the same when you don't have anyone to share them with and you have to do everything on your own. There are absolutely lots of things you can do on your own and I've done them on my own for a long time but I don't really enjoy it and it's lonely and it's just not ever where I hoped I would be.

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to reply.

xx

Just wanted to say happy birthday op. I hope you have a lovely day and weekend ahead. Sending happy birthday wishes to you xx

Thank you Sifs81, that's really kind.

I hear you. I think it's a hard place to be. I understand your loneliness.

May I make a few practical suggestions ( feel free to ignore them all). I don;t have advice on dating, but:

(1) Can you join Meetup groups or other groups to expand your circle? Depends on where you are, I guess. I am in London and groups here are full of single women. Groups for sports, trips away, culture, books etc

(2) Can you make friends with women in their fifties, who have adult or young adult children? I am one such and have a half empty nest, and much more energy for friendships.

(3) Walk. It will help you lose weight and clears your head. Listen to a podcast or an audio book. It can be done anywhere and needs no special equipment. You will feel better about yourself.

I hope you have a lovely day.

Personally I wouldn’t make any big changes like moving area or job.
However could you make a list of 50 small things you would like to try and challenge yourself to one a week?
I am thinking about things such as a new hairstyle or a different style of clothing. Trying a new recipe or restaurant, going to a new club or starting a new hobby.
None of these will change you life massively, but will give you inspiration, something to focus on and who knows where they might lead.

Adding a couple more:

Volunteering. It really gives you a new perspective.

Could you get a pet? Maybe a low maintenance cat?

I am not in the same position but have just read an amazing (and recently published) book, 'Arrangements in Blue' by Amy Key. The author is in her 40s with no kids and no romantic relationships for many years and it's about how she's built a satisfying life. It's really honest about her struggles as well.

I think on MN people always say that there is a gulf between parents and the childfree. This has not been my experience. I have many single and childfree friends, and cherish them. My closest friend got married at the age of 40 and won;t be having children.

Even if there is a gulf, you are getting to the age where parents will slowly be emerging from the consuming early years. So please dont feel like you have to only hang out with other singles.

Thank you for the suggestions - I'm a big reader so will definitely look up the book you have suggested Scoffin, thank you.

I would love a pet but unfortunately my landlord doesn't allow them.

I certainly don't feel like I have to socialise with other singles only but in general I do find that my life is very different to those with a partner and children and although I try really hard to maintain friendships I find they often drift away and spend more time with people in similar circumstances to them so gradually my circle has got smaller.

Hardly any children are available for adoption, the ones that are tend to have significant issues. Not to say they are not worth adopting but I know some people with adopted children and it has been an incredibly tough life for them and they faced that as a couple.

I have a newer friend just over 40 and single, we met in a women’s hiking group. We just get on well I’m married with children. I always think that people who dump their mates when they marry and have kids are a bit crap. My neighbour is 60 and never married or had kids and we are good mates. She has relayed how her friends drift off when they couple up.

I second Meet up, it’s how I met my newer mate.

You sound sad about things and I’m sorry but whatever you do don’t become bitter about it. My SIL did and she was utterly unbearable to be around as she hated everyone who had managed to couple up.

I am sad but I try really hard to pretend I'm not for others so hopefully I'm not unbearable to be around - that can be hard though so even though I know it's probably not great to be around I do feel for your SIL ButterflyParody, it can't be easy!