Does anyone else get anxiety like this?

[AnxiousApple]

I'm feeling pretty desperate right now. I'm 32 and have had anxiety literally my entire life and it has always been around people close to me dying. When I was a child it was my parents and siblings and now I'm older that's expanded to include my DH and DC. I have pretty severe health anxiety which is part of this but I don't only worry about illness - if a loved one doesn't answer the phone or a text I've assumed they've been in a car accident, fallen down the stairs etc. When an episode comes on I go into complete meltdown and can't focus on anything else. It's really, really bad at the moment - every day there seems to be something new I obsess about. A few weeks ago one of my breasts hurt so obviously it was breast cancer (it went). Then my Dad had a weird spot on his leg which was new so obviously that was skin cancer (it went). Then this morning my DH informed me he'd lost 3lbs since he last weighed himself a couple of weeks ago so now I am convinced he has some sort of cancer and I've been googling obsessively all morning.

The thing is I just immediately catastrophise - to use the above example, DH tells me he's lost a small amount of weight without trying and I immediately jump not only to cancer but to terminal cancer, then death and then immediately panicking I wouldn't cope with the grief. I do this every time, with all my loved ones. It's so exhausting and I'm so sick of living like it. I've had years of therapy (including CBT) and I take propranalol but that no longer helps. I tried citalopram years ago but it made me feel worse - I feel I'm at the point now where I need to try medication again but I'm terrified the same will happen again.

I don't get at all anxious over small things I can control. But anything I can't control, forget it.

I feel so low and honestly at the point I think how long can I really be expected to live my life constantly in a state of anxiety about something terrible happening? I'm missing my DC's childhoods because of this.

What trauma have you suffered that has led to this?

It does sound absolutely exhausting. Have you thought about changing doctors and maybe getting a fresh perspective?

Counselling?

I really don't know, but there must be someone out there who can help you.

Absolutely nothing. I've been like it since I can remember. I have literally no memories at all of a time when I wasn't anxious. Even as a tiny tiny child I was worried my parents would die. I had trauma later in life (not from losing someone), but the anxiety pre dates that by many years.

Ususally there is a trigger at some point - maybe not an actual 'event' but a thought or an influence or inference from a parent. What were your caregivers like around loss & death?

This is very managable. Have you had CBT?
You must stop googling immediately - thats going to be a habit change. Googling just drives your anxiety as you are looking for reassurance but never find it - the more you google he worse it gets becauser the focus changes. So its a really unhelpful activity.
Instread of looking for reassurance lookat why you are stressed - the thought process:
Thats a spot, it looks like skin cancer.
Is it skin cancer?
What if it is?
They will die of cancer.
I will be so sad.
I will never cope.
Life will collapse.
I better google to make sure....

Sound familiar?

I'm just so tired of it. I don't want to be like this. I know logically worrying doesn't change anything, I know that logically but I can't align it with my feelings. I think unconsciously I feel if I worry about something enough it won't happen.

Yes that's exactly what I do. I struggle to see how normal people would react to things. I'm sure if most people without anxiety had a DH who told them he'd lost 3 lbs since the last time he weighed themselves they wouldn't even think anything of it. I want so much to be like that.

Yes. It might not be anxiety, it might be a form of OCD which the internet calls "Pure O" (purely obsessional, not compulsive) which takes the form of intrusive thoughts. The OCD Society point out that it generally still is compulsive, in the form of the type of googling you describe. Maybe have a look into that as it sounds like anxiety treatments haven't really helped.

https://www.ocduk.org/ocd/pure-o/

In terms of what were my caregivers like around loss and death, the answer is I don't know because we never had a single person close to us die when I was a child - even now I have two of four grandparents still alive!

How is your health otherwise?

Do you sleep ok?
Are you well hydrated?
Exercise?
diet?

I can understand this to some extent; in a way, it’s only natural to worry about people you love. But you’ve become irrational with that fear. My best advice would be to try and get that rationality back. (This has worked for me with flying, for example. I would panic about being in a plane crash…:but would concentrate on the statistics of how much safer it is to fly than to drive and how often I drive without worry etc.) Could you have a go at this? Eg when you think “X might have had an accident”, can you try and work out the odds of that? (Eg how many fatal accidents are there in this area, how many people live here? And then - what are the odds that X has stopped for some petrol/a coffee etc)

Remember too - people always overestimate risk on the downside and not the upside. You don’t buy a lottery ticket and immediately make an appointment to view an £8 million house and test drive a Ferrari the following day. You assume you won’t win; that that 1 in 250 ‘million won’t be you. Why do you do it on the downside? Why assume that it’s your DH/DC who’ll be in some unlikely accident? Plus - there are tiny risks in literally everything we do. I’m sitting in my house as I type; there’s a risk that the ceiling will collapse on me. Not a high risk, so I don’t worry about it. I’ve just popped to the supermarket for some groceries. There was a risk that a tin could fall from a shelf and hit me on the head, causing a brain injury. Not a high risk, so I didn’t worry about it. Try to put all those types of anxiety into that category and I think it might help you to come to terms with it and cope with it better.

Perfect to be honest. I eat healthily and do a lot of exercise because it tends to help. Doesn't at the moment though.

How long did you take Citalopram for? It does make you feel worse for a few weeks before you feel better.

There are also other anti anxiety medications available if that didn’t suit you.

Funny you should say that as the ceiling collapsing suddenly is something I frequently worry about in bed at night.

I know logically what you say is true and sensible. But I just can't make myself believe it.

I'll have a look at this thank you. I do think my health anxiety is a form of OCD but I was told it wasn't by my GP.

6 months, and I also tried sertraline for 3 months.

What does GP say? Or do they only say what it’s not?

Just general anxiety. Pretty sure they just consider me neurotic.

I really recommend trying CBT i have anxiety very similar to how you've described yours, catastrophising, jumping to worse case scenarios, worrying about everything, replacing one worry with another as soon as that worry is "resolved" it's exhausting. I self referred and was recommended CBT which has been amazing, I'm about 6 sessions in and it has given me tools to be able to manage anxieties and also be able to reach for them when I feel a worry or anxiety come on and quieten the voice. I'm under no illusion that I won't still have worries - but that is normal but I certainly feel calmer, sleeping better and my general outlook on life has improved.

Would you like to message me privately OP? I could have written this myself. It’s behind exhausting and I felt every word you said in my soul. Sending you love and strength from a fellow person exactly the same as you xxx

OK. You are normal. Most people get stressed about lots of things - but in your case the stress spirals.

So think of it like your internal burglar alarm is trigger sensitive and has 'learned' a pattern of reaction.
You now need to see the pattern and reframe it.
Each time this happens write down EXACTLY the thought trigger, the progression, outcome and conclusion. As an exercise.
Once you see a few days of this just observe it. No wishing it was different, no judgement.
After that you then start a daily worry time. So you are not allowed to worry even if you want to about a typical scenario. You say - 'I see this is bothering me, I'm going to watch the feelings of anxiety even if they feel unbearable they will pass, I will think and worry about this (without googling) this evening from 5pm to 5.30pm'

You then slowly reduce this timeframe.

Then you start an internal dialogue which challenges the thought.
'its OK to worry about skin cancer, however the vast majority of skin cancers are treatable and the vast majority of suspected skin cancers prove to be nothing less than skin changes. I'm not going to worry any further now because my pattern of worry is a little off and thinking more is really unhelpful'

Its critical you develop some diversion while you do this - so you play a game of cards, read four pages of your book, brush your hair, drink a glass of water, walk mindfully - whatever. That becomes your coping activity.

Its possible to overcome this is a few months.

@AnxiousApple yes, yes and yes! You have described me in my 20s and 30s. I have had therapy, over the counter remedies, changed my diet, had acupuncture, hypnotherapy etc etc. Sertraline was the game changer for me. I was on the lowest dose for 5 years and it was the best thing I ever did. I see you tried it for 3 months, can I ask why you didn't continue?

I agree it with @MagicTape it may not just be anxiety. I am exactly the same and understand everything you have written about, as it has been me many many times. I do suffer anxiety, and like you have done since I was a child, but after seeking help during my absolute lowest point I was also diagnosed with OCD. It rules my life and is exhausting.

Because unfortunately it didn't work - made things worse if anything.

I've had years of CBT on and off and it just doesn't work for me. I really really wish it did. I always feel I'm being so awkward when people are so helpful and suggesting things but this is partly why I feel desperate , because things that seem to work for others just don't help me at all, in any way.

Thank you I will x