Does anyone else get anxiety like this?

[AnxiousApple]

I'm feeling pretty desperate right now. I'm 32 and have had anxiety literally my entire life and it has always been around people close to me dying. When I was a child it was my parents and siblings and now I'm older that's expanded to include my DH and DC. I have pretty severe health anxiety which is part of this but I don't only worry about illness - if a loved one doesn't answer the phone or a text I've assumed they've been in a car accident, fallen down the stairs etc. When an episode comes on I go into complete meltdown and can't focus on anything else. It's really, really bad at the moment - every day there seems to be something new I obsess about. A few weeks ago one of my breasts hurt so obviously it was breast cancer (it went). Then my Dad had a weird spot on his leg which was new so obviously that was skin cancer (it went). Then this morning my DH informed me he'd lost 3lbs since he last weighed himself a couple of weeks ago so now I am convinced he has some sort of cancer and I've been googling obsessively all morning.

The thing is I just immediately catastrophise - to use the above example, DH tells me he's lost a small amount of weight without trying and I immediately jump not only to cancer but to terminal cancer, then death and then immediately panicking I wouldn't cope with the grief. I do this every time, with all my loved ones. It's so exhausting and I'm so sick of living like it. I've had years of therapy (including CBT) and I take propranalol but that no longer helps. I tried citalopram years ago but it made me feel worse - I feel I'm at the point now where I need to try medication again but I'm terrified the same will happen again.

I don't get at all anxious over small things I can control. But anything I can't control, forget it.

I feel so low and honestly at the point I think how long can I really be expected to live my life constantly in a state of anxiety about something terrible happening? I'm missing my DC's childhoods because of this.

Thank you. I loved that. It puts it into perspective. Anxiety should be fleeting and its awful when it becomes a cycle.
I met my friends Mum last week. She is 100 in July. Up and about, wandering about the garden centre. I asked her what was the 'secret'.

Look after your head, your heart will be fine.
Have more than one drink!
Life is for living, keep doing it.

Great.

OP I agree that this sounds like a form of OCD, which can be much harder to treat than anxiety. It's thought to be as much a neurological issue as a psychiatric one, although some people that have a propensity can have it triggered or worsened by trauma.
The recovery technique tends to be gradual exposure although obviously it's a bit harder when your obsession is worrying about something rather than the germs on your hands, for instance. It's gruellingly hard work but it's a brain rewiring technique.
There are some useful books if you have a browse on Amazon or something, you could at least see if it chimes with you at all.

Thank you so much for all these lovely and helpful comments. I am reading each one.

The weird thing is that when crisis actually strikes I am generally quite good at getting on with it. It's the uncertainty I can't cope with. Which is unfortunate as uncertainty in life is a bit of a given really.

I can totally resonate with this. I have always been sensitive and a worrier but it has gotten worse as older, at Uni, in work and more recently with kids and then covid. I ended up on Sertraline for afew years which really helped take the edge of it and have also had about 10 sessions of EMDR. I had no huge traumatic event but we looked back into my childhood and there were some smaller traumas which actually really effected me- pressure at school/ Uni, some parental issues with them not listening when I wanted to change schools, workplace bullying, some worries during pregnancy, non sleeping babies, family members dying of cancer. I have processed some of these using EMDR and it has really helped. I am now off meds and do still have anxious days but I def think it has helped with the catastrophic thinking and overwhelm/ panic attacks. I think I will always be a worrier and control freak but I do feel I am living a bit more rather than just existing. Best of luck but do look into EMDR as I do think it is brilliant. I had tried CBT and that didnt work for me. Also cold water exposure (1-2 min cold showers at the end of each shower) and exercise/ yoga/ less alcohol and caffeine have helped. Best of luck xx

Yes, I've had this for literally as long as I can remember. Hypnosis has really helped me, it's not perfect but it's much better as a result. It fucking sucks, I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this.

So sorry you have this horrible form of torture. I empathise completely. I’ve tried CBT, A/D but nothing works 100%. All tablets had unwanted side effects for me. Now wondering about hypnosis as advised by a previous poster.
In the meantime, know you’re not alone.

I totally understand the complete vigilance around health monitoring. Catching it early is so drummed into us. I had a skin cancer diagnosis last year, a BCC, treated with a cream and weirdly I was quite measured about it all. Now, I have a possible sun spot or dry patch on my hand, which I am getting checked on Monday, and goodness me I have been monitoring the crap out of it all day. Its life sapping and exhausting and its really awful. Days like this, wish I was back on sertraline. Sorry OP I do hope you find peace somehow

Can you afford private therapy? It's costly but it's been life changing for me. I've always had this, I also googled obsessively, felt petrified of something almost every day. I've been paying for schema therapy (it's £150 a session) but it has changed my life in a few sessions. I still feel the panic sometimes but I don't act on it, and I can soothe myself through it.