The third baby chestnut

[the7Vabo]

Hi all, really appreciate any input.

Im 41, DH is 46 we have two DC - DS who is 5 and DD is 3. So far everyone is healthy. I’m very grateful for the DC I have and very mindful not everyone is so lucky.

Like many Im overwhelmed at how quickly the kids are growing up. My second was a Covid baby born at a time when I was very stressed about work, I feel like her babyhood melted away from me.

I’m finding it difficult to let go of the baby clothes. Aside from the (major) fact that my husband doesn’t want a third baby it doesn’t make any sense for us to have one. We could just about afford one but it would be a less for our existing two. We both find parenting full on, the house is always a mess and frankly it feels we struggle to adult. I never lost the baby weight and I felt a bit meh.

All that said I look at pregnant women with yearning, I adore babies and I really like the idea of three adult children (while the thought of three teenagers is very off putting). The yearning has been compounded by a colleague who is also a friend who has kids exactly the same ages as mine announcing she’s pregnant. I’ve also had an irregular period for the first time so starting to feel old.

I keeping thinking of the period after our first was born & how happy we were.

Have people found that the yearning lessens or any tips on how to move past this? Dows it get easier once your peers are past the pregnancy stage or do you always yearn for a bigger family?

For my dh the yearning didn't end and we had our 3rd child when our second (ds ) was 4. She's fabulous and I don't regret it. He never pressured me and it was ultimately my decsion to try for her. Life is busy though as we are outnumbered now. We don't have any childcare help and manage between us. It only works because he is as hands on with the kids as I am. We both keep on top of the housework (little but often and sticking to a routine) and it helps that I'm organised and keep on top of the kids school stuff. If he wasn't as hands on as he is I wouldn't have had a 3rd. For him it was a feeling of the family not quite being whole and he expressed his feelings and then left it at that. I got a jolt of awakening when his cousin had a baby girl and I blurted out that I wanted another. Before that I really didn't. She has had another child since and that didn't stir up any feelings. I'm on the fence about a 4th purely because they get expensive as they get older and it's whether we could give them all the experiences we would like to that plays on my mind. The feeling at least for me comes from within.

If your DH isn’t keen, that’s your answer.

The broody feeling will pass.

They're only babies for five minutes then it's just slog after that. I'm glad we didn't have a third, although my previous two have SN so that was a deciding factor too. The broodiness does go. I loved being pregnant and could have happily had lots of babies, but it's just not realistic.

Your age could be a factor here, your hormones going into overdrive in last chance saloon. Honestly it would be mental to have another one, you've got a lovely set up, your kids are going to be in the fun stage soon, rather than think about the gaps, think about the stages you're excited for: when you were younger what did you picture family life to be? Holidays, days out, movie nights, birthday parties, Christmas etc etc, all this to come, don't waste this precious time yearning for something when you already have so much (I know that's easier said than done, but sometimes it helps to be told!)

I had my third and I didn't feel driven to have a fourth, three was the ideal number of children for us.

But clearly the ultimate limiting factor is that your dh doesn't want another, that's game over, you can't sneak a baby into the house on the quiet.

And my children certainly aren't a slog outside of the baby stage, what an awful thing to say about children. And for what it's worth, my teens are easy-going and wonderful. But maybe that's because I didn't consider them a burden the moment they emerged from infancy.

I have 3 DC and love it but in your case as your DH doesn’t want another DC I think you should enjoy the family you have.
You are blessed.

I wanted a fourth baby. I really really wanted a fourth. We couldn't afford it, DH didn't want another one so that was that.

I'm glad we didn't because we would be really, really struggling now!

It does pass, although on and off I'd still get that yearning, and the other day I felt a bit panicked that time is almost up (if I'm honest, time is definitely already up, but I still have periods so technically could still get Pg) and for about three minutes wondered how I could persuade DH to have another one. But then I poured myself a glass of wine and came to my senses. My kids are all teenagers now, a new baby is not what we need 😂

My friend has a theory that most people are in danger of ending up with one more child than they can cope with 😂

Thanks all. To be clear there is no proposal to sneak one into the house.
I was more asking if the yearning gets easier to deal with.

It does get easier, I really wanted a fourth around when my third started school and I said to myself can’t be having a baby every time my youngest went to school.
For about 8 years I had a broody month around Christmas and then it completely went away.

Yes I think it helps to track the broodiness because there is often a pattern be that in your cycle, or time of year etc and I think it helps to identify where those feelings come from.

Yes the yearning eases. I have 3 but I wanted 4. I think it was hormones because I’m 48 now and I feel past those feelings - my body feels in a different phase. My mind is on grandchildren now, which is a loooong way off as my eldest is 17 and youngest 9, but that’s just to show you the difference in my mindset.

I don’t miss that 4th imaginary person in my life. I’m just happy with the people I have. I hope you feel the same at 48 as I do. I definitely felt like you do at 41.

Thanks for this. I hope I move past this. Another person in work told me they were pregnant today, and I’m struggling not to feel jealous that the baby stage is behind me. Also that I like the idea of three kids though perhaps not the work!

I have a lot of good things in my life mainly two healthy kids. I wish my mind could focus on that!

Ahh yes, it does ease OP. I had 2 in my 20's, early 30's then realised DH definitely not on board for a 3rd. This settled in time - the girls and their lives expanded to fill all our space anyway, emotionally, physically and financially... and it just became something I USED to feel.
Having said that, I had a late, unplanned pregnancy when 47/48 which I was excited by, but which did not develop. As others have said, maybe a last gasp.. It threw up all sorts of questions though in our relationship. If I had carried to term I'm not sure DH would have ever really got behind things.

Ah I’m very sorry to hear you lost a baby, must have been very difficult.

It is good to hear re your kids.

My DH is would be the same. He really struggles with the two we have not to mind a third. I’m tired & frustrated at him now so that in itself should be enough to dismiss the thought from my head. Instead I find myself sad that things aren’t different.

This settled in time - the girls and their lives expanded to fill all our space anyway, emotionally, physically and financially...

This is an accurate observation, I think when you have young children life is understandably small which can be deceiving, they get bigger, and as you describe their lives get bigger which in itself brings more fulfilment I think.

Also your own life can get fuller with more things as they get bigger, outside the family, if you allow it, so not being quite so defined by motherhood can stop those panicked brood-swings!

Very good point and part of the problem I think is that outside of my job, which I don’t enjoy but do need, I don’t have a lot of interests.

I had a good time in my 20s going to clubs, travelling etc. In my 30s I had a lot of anxiety issues which took over my life for several years, then I got pregnant, then two years later had another baby.

Now I’m the other side of babyhood, but the kids still take up huge amounts of time.

I guess I’m a bit lost. My marriage is fine but recent years have emphasised how different we are & tbh I don’t think either are of us are the loves of each others lives although I am certainly very fond of him.

The times I’m most happy is generally when I’m hanging out with other women & maybe that’s where I need to focus my energies.

Sorry for the overshare!

@the7Vabo that's what MN is for! I think broodiness when feeling like that is really normal, you're at a cross roads, with a hole you're not quite sure how to fill and babies have a habit of keeping us distracted and busy! It's a natural reaction I think, especially if a little unfulfilled with your DH, but it sounds to me it would be a really good time for you to reflect on what you want to do for YOU.

It could be that.

I just get this ache especially when I see pregnant women. In the last couple of days when colleagues tell me their baby news I felt really jealous. Even if my DH agreed to have a third there are many reason why it isn’t a good idea.

I hope once I get past the age of my peers announcing pregnancies it will get easier.

OP, I feel similar.

Husband and I are both 39. Have a 6 year old and a 4 year old.

I would love another. We don't really have any family (on either side) so no cousins or anything so I feel it would be another person in their lives.

I love the idea of three grown up children.

I also feel like I didn't get a chance to enjoy the baby stage. The first time around I had dreadful post natal depression (and the death of my last surviving family member) and the second time around, covid.

So I would love to have another chance at that.

We would need a bigger house but we need a bigger house anyway.

BUT. Reasons not to. My age. The fact that o also haven't lost the baby weight and am around 2 stone overweight. I don't feel healthy and just don't think a pregnancy would be a good idea.

Also, I have two boys and I wouldn't mind a third boy or a girl. However, my boys are very very different. They generally rub along together well, but I feel if I had a third boy one of my boys would be left out. I just cant see it working.

Also, and this is a big one, we struggle with the day to day. It's relentless. Most days I barely cope with the two of them, three would be impossible.

If I had started earlier I would have loved three, but ultimately I think it's not going to happen.

You can always look back at your life and think you wish you'd done different things but the fact is you have two happy healthy children and a nice husband and you are really absolutely very very lucky. You have won the family lottery.

I yearned for a 3rd. I had a 3rd. Life is chaotic and stressful and expensive but worth it. My older 2 are late teens now and ds3 is 12. I'm glad to still have him around, I'm not ready for all my kids to have left school. I'm glad we've still got a smallish one around. That's how I felt before we had him, I just wasn't ready for baby and toddler years to be over. So we dragged them out a bit longer and I have no regrets. There were many days when I wanted to scream with frustration and mess and overwhelm but I've forgotten about them now. Now I have different frustrations.

Dh was more than happy to have another one though which obviously makes a difference.

I’m so glad you replied to me. So much of your post is familiar most of all the day to day. We really struggle with the day to day, I expect more than average parents. Neither of us are organised and there’s always something. My older child is a lot of work, the latest is he’s stealing toys from nursery so we have a constant battle giving stuff back & trying to get through to him.

The short term wouldn’t be pretty apart from the baby cuddles which can be hard to resist.

My pros and cons are very similar especially the weight but also the house although we could probably manage the house with just the two kids.

I also feel the baby stage slipped away from me the first time because it wasn’t planned & my husband spent my pregnancy saying be didn’t want it. Things improved & he did want no. 2 but then Covid hit & I spent a lot of my mat leave stressed about work.

DH not on board in any case I’m more thinking out loud!

@the7Vabo I think the fact that your husband isn't up for it is the cincher.

My husband would go for it - or so he says on the good days! On the bad days he's tearing his hair out, same as me.

I think another deciding factor me is that we have two healthy kids. I don't really want to roll those dice again.

I suspect one of my kids may have some difficulties (a lot of ADHD markers but we're not at the stage of seeking any sort of diagnosis or anything. He just struggles with some things but is doing ok). Either way, he's largely ok, but the possibility of having a third child who has any sort of disability or additional needs would put a massive strain on the existing two.