The third baby chestnut

[the7Vabo]

Hi all, really appreciate any input.

Im 41, DH is 46 we have two DC - DS who is 5 and DD is 3. So far everyone is healthy. I’m very grateful for the DC I have and very mindful not everyone is so lucky.

Like many Im overwhelmed at how quickly the kids are growing up. My second was a Covid baby born at a time when I was very stressed about work, I feel like her babyhood melted away from me.

I’m finding it difficult to let go of the baby clothes. Aside from the (major) fact that my husband doesn’t want a third baby it doesn’t make any sense for us to have one. We could just about afford one but it would be a less for our existing two. We both find parenting full on, the house is always a mess and frankly it feels we struggle to adult. I never lost the baby weight and I felt a bit meh.

All that said I look at pregnant women with yearning, I adore babies and I really like the idea of three adult children (while the thought of three teenagers is very off putting). The yearning has been compounded by a colleague who is also a friend who has kids exactly the same ages as mine announcing she’s pregnant. I’ve also had an irregular period for the first time so starting to feel old.

I keeping thinking of the period after our first was born & how happy we were.

Have people found that the yearning lessens or any tips on how to move past this? Dows it get easier once your peers are past the pregnancy stage or do you always yearn for a bigger family?

@wineschmine yes this was a huge deciding factor for us, especially as we are older now. My youngest is going through the ADHD diagnosis process which is only becoming more apparent (and thus requiring more input from us) now he's getting older, so even when you have healthy kids you still don't quite know what they're going to throw at you! He would massively struggle being a middle child, that much I know!!

I had my youngest at 34 and would have been delighted with a surprise pregnancy right until my late forties because I loved the babies-and-toddlers stage and so did DH. The notion just went away after that. I'm now very glad not to be parenting a teenager or two in my late fifties.

I have always wanted four children. If I am honest, I still want four children, but I know it cannot happen. We cannot afford to have four in the school my eldest goes to.

Also, ttc is v hard for us. It took 8 rounds of ivf to have our two children and I really could not calculate the expense, because it would make me feel sick. They are very worth it, but we just cannot throw away resources that could go to the children we have.

My youngest is only 6 months, but I am already broody. I have spent most of my adult life broody and do not seem to know how else to be!

I feel exactly the same OP. I have two young children and I'd love a third. But when I really think about it...

Reasons not to: finances, the strain on my body, I'm so bloody tired already, my two get on well and a third might bugger things up, DH doesn't really want one, trying to do homework with older DC whilst a toddler swings off the table screaming even more years of school runs, even more biff, chip and kipper! And what if the third had a very demanding health need or disability? I can't split myself in 3, the baby would get all my attention and my existing kids would suffer for it.

Reasons to: hormones. And kids are cute and I love them.

So I guess I won't. I'll fight the hormones and wait patiently for grand children or grand nieces and nephews.

Also, to add to my previous post of reasons not to: I think to have any more than two I would need to be a stay at home mum or work very part time. I work 4 days per week and I just already feel I am stretched too thinly between my job and my two kids.

I just don't feel that modern life is compatible with raising kids, and of course I didn't know that until I had them.

That old adage, women are expected to work like they don't have children, and raise children like they don't work, rings very true to me.

Disclaimer: I know there will be some women who "have it all"; numerous kids and demanding/fulfilling career, but for me, I struggle. And I just don't think 3 kids would work.

Thanks for all the input.

It helps to know that others are in the same boat. It’s not something people talk about a lot. I’m conscious that I’m lucky to have the who I have, I think understandably people don’t have much patience for any negativity for someone who has two kids already.
I also think people can be judgemental about you wanting more than two, is it seen as giving into your hormones, like a weakness or something?

All that said the many reasons others have listed also apply me. The reasons I feel I should be thankful we aren’t have more kids are no.1 financial pressure, 2 weight especially my stomach area which has just given up, and 3, burn out as others have said.

I like what one poster said about your existing kids expanding to fill your life. My son came home clutching a princess party invitation & he was so happy. Things like that make me feel joyful about having kids beyond the baby stage.