Learning to do the “man jobs” after break up.

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I have just separated with my husband. I have a lot of children, a big and old house that requires a lot of upkeep.

exh wasn’t great at keeping on top of things but had little spurts where he’d get a lot done. We’re talking big jobs in the garden, repairing things inside the house and general painting and decorating.

Ive always found it frustrating waiting for him to do these things and wished I could do it myself but I’ve always told myself I’d be no good at it. However, I have no choice now but to learn!

Does anyone have any advice or can anyone point me in the right direction to learn all this stuff?

it’s overwhelming, there’s a lot of things half finished but I feel like I could chip away slowly at things if I put my mind to it.

I hope I don’t offend anyone by calling them man jobs, but you know what I mean. I’m our house it’s always been quite traditional and I’ve stayed at home with the kids, cooked,cleaned,shopped and remembered everyone appointments so I expected him to do that kind of stuff.

Youtube- great resources with really easy to follow videos. Tik Tok is great too.

I think adopting a mindset that each thing is easy you just have to learn how first. This is how I felt when I eventually got around to tiling my kitchen after going without for 2 years. It was so simple once I knew

Once upon a time I would have suggested an evening class, now I agree YouTube is the way to go. Anything to do with wiring/electrical other than changing plugs and fuses however I would get someone who knows what they are doing!

There's a great place to start, on You Tube, called "Dad, how do I?"

But there are lots of other You Tube videos too.

When I bought my first place, my Dad gave me a massive Manual from Reader's Digest, which I still use today, but being able to actually see things filmed, is better still.

My old DF used to say that any job is easy if you use the proper tools. Step one. Find out what you need to do the job and get it.

The other thing he used to say was that money spent on tools was never wasted.

First things first, make a list. You can work through it af your own pace. Before you crack on with each job, Google and look for videos (eg YouTube). If it goes wrong, search for more advice.
You learn as you go. It's really bloody satisfying when you've got something finished and done right, even if you go wrong several times first.
I've been a single mum for ten of DD's 11 years. No man to rely on so taught myself and it turns out I'm really quite handy.
Also very stubborn, so if I’m struggling with something, I get DD to tell me I can't do it. Then boom, I damn well succeed with bells on

I've learned a lot from YouTube and have also found friends have been more than willing to show me how to do stuff.

I don't know if they still do, but B&Q used to run occasional workshops.

It's very satisfying to be able to put up your own curtain poles!

Little jobs first. Then bigger ones. Then hard/complicated ones.

And come on here when you hit an obstacle! It's great to be able to talk things through.

Things attached to walls are hugely variable depending on your house. You need to experiment to find out what works, or ask neighbours if the houses are built the same way.

Remember your aim is to make it better, not to get it perfect. You'll improve with experience.

When my mom got divorced somebody gave her a pink tool kit, she still uses it years and years later and now I've heard of many other people being gifted a kit like this following a divorce.

I would say, ask others that may know for advice e.g. a friend's husband or family member. But YouTube is a great source too! My DP and I moved away from our families young and many a time we've had to consult YouTube to fix things.

find out where the stop cock is, what your walls are made of, so you know which fixings to use, get a decent toolkit and spend some time locating a general handyman who is reliable and decent for the things you realistically can't do. When I first divorced there was a brilliant guy who charged a daily rate of about £150 and would come and do half a dozen jobs. I'm 100%on board with doing stuff yourself but with lots of kids underfoot it's not always practical

Agree youtube / instructions - but if there is anything you can't manage, then you might have a local handyman service, ours charge hourly.

I think the key thing is to acknowledge some jobs may be too big and to get a handyperson/builder/relevant tradesperson in where appropriate.

I just do one little job at a time op. It takes me about a month of procrastinating to work up to each one.
But each and every job I've done has never been any where near as hard to justify why I put it off so much, and I feel so so proud of myself every time. In fact, I almost enjoy it. It's like I get a step closer every time to never wanting a man again and finding peace with that.

Yup, You Tube and read the comments because they may flag bits that are tricky. Also follow a a handyman on tiktok/Instagram and watch their reels there's a lot of good stuff out there. I've been pretty good at fixing stuff since I was a teenager but even I learn stuff from these channels.

Espares is also good for parts and instruction videos for replacing bits and bobs in appliances. Most of the time of you can get the part replacing it is really straightforward.

Your old DF was a very wise man indeed. Nail on the head. There is literally nothing DIY related that a reasonably competent person can't do with the right tools and materials (and time to do it in a slow, relaxed and methodical manner). Don't be afraid of spending money on decent hand and power tools- they're game changers.

You Tube is your friend for learning how to do things. There'll be dozens of videos for literally every aspect of what you want to do. You'll soon see that planning and preparing is the most important part.

Personally for confidence boosting, I'd start with some painting/decorating. Maybe a small room, or even just, say, a door. Lightly sand the wood (don't try to get back to grain), get some caulk in a tube to fill/smooth the edges/cracks, give a couple of coats of undercoat, then a top coat and hey-presto. Just allow several hours between each stage to allow to fully dry. If you do a full room, it's more project management as you have to wallpaper or emulsion the walls between undercoat and top coat. Just do all the dirty work (filling, sanding, etc and give the room a good clean and wipe, before you start the finishing work). And cover everything, get cover cloths for floor and furniture, good quality masking tape to protect whatever yo don't want painting. Time spent covering up is an investment as it saves far more time you'd have to spend cleaning and rectifying spills, drips, cleaning edges etc.

Are you able to pay people to do things? For example, I find keeping up with a garden that has lots of grass and weeds that take over given half a chance a thankless and never ending task, so it might be money well spent to get a gardener to do this. Or get someone to make changes to reduce the maintenance required?

Are any of these many children you have old enough to help? Some jobs just need a second pair of hands to hold things steady etc. Or you could all go out in the garden to pull weeds together, rather than you spending hours doing it alone.

Agree re tools, and Ikea is great for basic, affordable, good quality tools. DP does all the big jobs in our house because he's in construction and what he's good at and I'm the brains of the operation, but I have my own Ikea toolkit, which is great if I just want to tighten some screws, bang in a protruding nail somewhere, or assemble smaller flat pack items. Plus it means that I don't need to try and find anything in his extensive and disorganised garage.

Also, there's no shame in getting help in for DIY jobs and it could be more cost effective than buying specialist tools that you're unlikely to use again.

Ask around for 'no job too small' type handy people and maybe save jobs up if you need a few things doing that you don't have the tools for or will struggle with even if you gain experience/confidence.

Agree with a other posters on YouTube. I was in exactly the same position as you, multiple children, big old house. And I amazed myself how much I could do..and what I achieved.
Locally we have a really great Library of things, where you can borrow pretty much anything, drills, wallpaper steamers, strimmers, tools.. and it costs something like a £1 a day! Worth seeking locally, and seeing what you can find. But a basic tool kit is a must, you'll thank yourself for it!.

Is there anything pressing you feel like you really need done right now? Can you post on here for advice or even just a little moral support..
You've got this!

I once fixed a toilet by following advice on YouTube!
My 'man' was useless at DIY, but he had a high earning job so we could pay for anything to be done, but before I met him I had wallpapered and painted rooms, done a few basic electrical jobs etc. Power tools do intimidate me, but I have got my head around using a drill now.
Good luck to you!

Another vote for YouTube. Dereton33 is good for plumbing. Charlie DIYte is good for decorating and other jobs.

Build your tool kit as you go but get a long handled adjustable spanner. If you can't undo a tight nut then increasing the distance from the pivot point reduces the strength you need to turn it. Even in tight spaces as long as you can get it in to start the turn you can then swap to a regular size one once it has been cracked.

My day to day carry around tool kit at work is:

Allen keys
Set of screwdrivers (you can get one with swappable heads including hex keys)
2 adjustable spanners
Regular and mini grips
Needle nose pliers
Stanley knife
Small torch

I can do 95% of plumbing jobs with just these. I have lots of tools at home but my easy access box contains the same as above plus a hammer, measuring tape, hacksaw, spirit level and a mini Lidl power drill. From a standing start it is very unlikely you are going to need anything more for a long while. My next most commonly used tools are my oscillating multi tool and a ratchet set (get a long handle arm to add to it again). Get a small ratchet set and buy any special sizes individually as needed.

Lidl power tools are pretty good, I swapped my Bosch Pro Multitool for the Lidl version after using a friend's! Get things as you need them. Don't get a fancy put together tool kit as the majority of stuff you just won't use or will be crap quality.

Just remember, if they can do it why can't you? It's not some special ability that comes with having a penis!

I agree with the youtube suggestion, you can learn anything on there! But what I would also say, is this is why I think it's a good idea to teach your DC these things as they grow (boys and girls!). I have one of each and I've always had them watching or helping while I do DIY, decorating, building flat pack etc. These skills are being lost as most people now just want to pay someone else to do everything. Fine if you can afford it I guess, but personally I think it's a life skill to have a general knowledge of these things.

Genuinely, you can do anything - @PlatBilledDuckypuss 's dad was spot on.
Just don't mess with anything gas-based!
There's a Youtube channel run by Bunnings, an Aussie version of B&Q/Homebase, which explains how to do jobs. I find that very useful and I like the Australian straightforward approach.

Nothing else to add.

However I'm curious. How many is "a lot" of children?

Gafelix · Yesterday 23:27

Youtube- great resources with really easy to follow videos.

Yes, I'd advise that, too. With decorating, take time to prepare. You need dustsheets and the cloth ones are best, as they take a lot of wear. You may need to get a friend to move furniture etc.

Preparation takes longer than you might expect. Get a mouse electric sander, they're a godsend, as it's a lot less effort than doing it by hand. Buy good quality brushes and clean them thoroughly, they will last for years.

My mum got me this book once (and the sequel): https://www.amazon.co.uk/100-Things-You-Dont-Need/dp/1854108123
It also covers advice on how to get a 'man' in to do the jobs you can't tackle alone.