Those small behaviour tics you still have even when you’ve fully recovered from an eating disorder

[CowboyFromHell]

Sorry, rubbish thread title but it’s hard to explain. And it’s worth stating that this is intended as a pretty lighthearted thread.

Background is that I was - relatively mildly - anorexic as a teenager, never hospitalised or anything like that. But I had a disordered relationship with food, restricting calories to maintain an underweight BMI. I recovered gradually during my twenties and now in my thirties I’m a healthy BMI and on the surface have a pretty normal relationship to food.

But while I am fully recovered I definitely still have a few behavioural tics or ‘tells’, which I know are irrational but nonetheless are still there. For example:

1. When eating with others I’m always careful to eat really slowly and be the last to finish (don’t want anyone thinking I’m greedy!)
2. I catch myself doing weird calculations in restaurants, again not to appear greedy. Thought processes like “friend x has eaten a starter, main course and two glasses of wine, I’ve had a main course and a Diet Coke, am I ‘allowed’ a dessert or would that add up to more than what my friend’s had? Of course, friend x is oblivious to all this
3. Being embarrassed to claim back my work expenses when the receipts list what I’ve eaten. Which is 100% ridiculous as I very much doubt my line manager even registers my sandwich and brownie from Pret.

I guess I’m just intrigued that, although I would definitely describe myself as fully recovered there still a very small part of my brain that, almost independently from me, has these thought processes. And that even people who know me well would be very unlikely to know I have them. Anyone else relate at all?

Yes I can relate. Mine is more driven by stress or anxiety so if I am feeling particularity stressed some of my “tics” as you call them can start to resurface. Luckily I can spot them now and I can nip them in the bud promptly quite easily.

Not quite the same but we have a history of disordered eating in the women in my family.

Whenever I'm around my DM or DGM I notice how much they talk about food. It's incessant.

What they ate, what they wanted to eat but didn't, what they try not to eat, what other people ate and whether they should have, what they want to eat next, what my Uncle eats... Once I noticed how much they talk about food I haven't been able to un-notice it.

I think it's very much that they're constantly doing the same kind of 'calculations' in their head all the time and what I hear is just a fraction of it said out loud.

Yes hospitalised as a teen, grown up with female relatives with restrictive eating.
I never eat lunch until later afternoon
I count in my head to reach 1800 calories a day
I hate eating in public until dinner (I think this harks back to saving calories)
I weigh food to get the portion right

Yes, 100%. I think that's why I don't think anyone ever completely "recovers" from an ED. You just get to an acceptable weight and try to keep the eating disordered thoughts/voices quiet in your head.
To me "recovered" would mean eating like a normal person, not giving food or weight a second thought, not reading calories/ nutritional information, not getting involved in dieting/food- related mumsnet threads etc etc.
Not many people in RL know about my background but I do all that stupid stuff OP - eating slowly, never confessing to being hungry, fasting when stressed, lying about having eaten etc etc
Sadly, I think the only real treatment of EDs is early intervention and prevention.

I never had a diagnosed eating disorder but I think like many many women I have incredibly disordered eating, and to me it is entirely characterised by certain behaviours or tics - so I would imagine that if you had a diagnosed condition once, you’d retain some of those.
for me it’s the constant calorie maths all the time; I can refuse any food with cast iron willpower in public; bingeing in private; etc.
I genuinely don’t think I have ever just eaten a meal in my entire adult life, without some sort of internal dialogue about it. I journal my food and exercise daily and i have done for 25 years. If there is a food occasion (meal out/ party/Christmas etc) I will plan my food meticulously for days/weeks in advance.

sadly I also think that actually these tics are my solution to a bigger issue of anxiety and actually my disordered eating is a coping strategy, these tics and behaviours help me cope with life. I don’t think my eating disorder/disordered eating is actually about food/weight, I think it runs deeper than that.

@thenewaveragebear1983 I agree. Eating disorders are v rarely about food but a coping strategy, a way to control one thing in our lives when we feel powerless, a diversion, a focus - after many years it's incredibly hard to stop this disordered thinking and, like a PP said, all we can do is recognise these intrusive thoughts and ignore them as best as we can.
This is a really interesting thread, btw.

I was anorexic in my teens as well.
Also never hospitalised but had psychiatrist, paediatrician and dietician.
My eating has never been healthy. I know overeat as I'm scared of going back to how I was and any time I diet, I just starve myself.
I'm now overweight which I despise.
According to friends/family, I see myself as a lot bigger than I actually am but to myself I feel obese.

That is so interesting - my mum describes herself as a "recovering alcoholic", because even though she hasn't touched alcohol in 29 years, she says she'll never be fully recovered as she'll never be able to drink "normally." She can't have the occasional glass of wine or beer like most people do, because it would, eventually, lead to her becoming dependent on it again.

Hadn't occurred to me it would be the same with eating disorders but that makes perfect sense to me.

Thanks @GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal, that's a great analogy. Also with recovering alcoholics many battle intrusive thoughts and cravings, no doubt more so when times are difficult. It's as if the thing that's the problem i.e food/drink is visibly dealt with but the brain is still wired so that they will always have these issues - Even if they're not drinking/under/ over eating.
I'm not sure if that makes much sense!?

Really interesting responses, thank you for sharing - it appears I am definitely not alone.

@wheresmymojo The funny thing is that, unlike your female relatives, I’m very conscious never to say any of these thoughts out loud. And so to most people I probably appear to have a really uncomplicated relationship with food and eating, as I talk about it a lot less than the average woman.

But I think a lot of people who have had eating disorders, and maybe anorexia in particular, are quite introverted, keep it to ourselves, overthinking but undersharing types. We’re not the loud extroverted woman going “Ooohh I really shouldn’t but go on anyway!’ when offered a slice of cake in the office.

A lot of these replies read to me as though many if you aren’t fully recovered, you’ve just found methods to manage the ED at what perhaps could be described as a milder level.

If you’re inner voice is still running through these scenarios whenever you’re eating / out for meals socially etc, then that doesn’t sound like recovered and so perhaps some therapy would help.

@CowboyFromHell you sound exactly like me! I know not to voice my concerns out loud because a)I sound like a crazy woman and b)I don't want people to know. "Overthinking and undersharing" is spot on!
At the moment I do have some weight to shift so can get away with saying "I'm trying to be good" as an excuse not to eat offered food. But I don't talk about diets and calories. I consciously don't as I have a teenage daughter and have always made it my priority for her not to have the issues I had growing up. So I don't have scales in the house, I don't ever do the putting myself down in front of the mirror, I don't ever say "oh I'm so fat!", I don't talk about diets in the weight-loss sense only healthy eating, I don't ever say "don't eat that you'll get fat", she sees me eating a varied diet etc etc - this is what I mean about prevention. Going a bit off topic but my mother and my gran were constantly on diets when I was growing up and because it seemed all they ever talked about I thought this dieting must be great - I went on my first "diet" when I was 9.
It's interesting @GustavsGonad what you say about not being fully recovered and therapy but I did all that, had therapy and I'm just not sure if it is when possible to be "fully recovered " from this. When I hear people say they are in never 100% convinced.
In fact I'd love to hear from anyone who can claim to be fully recovered in the truest sense - that they now how a totally healthy relationship with food and weight.

Even, not when.

(Generalising)
I think it really helps to try and unpick what triggered the ED and what the ED represents to you, rather than focusing on the outcomes of the ED - e.g. what triggered the controlling behaviours, shaming and/or comparing oneself to others, do you have wider MH or neurological diagnoses that may have also been triggered or created an environment that makes an ED more likely. What are your thoughts and feelings around your childhood experience (adverse childhood events like divorce, abuse, neglect, bullying..).

Sometimes, building a picture can help with understanding where the triggers and subsequent behaviour patterns emerged.

If we can heal, sometimes we can ‘let go’ of old behaviour patterns and create new ones.

Only a couple for me (that I'm aware of):

Cutting my food into smaller pieces even if it's already 'bitesize' and doesn't need to be cut up.

Wrapping my hand around my wrist (I do this unconsciously - not actually 'checking' any more)

@GustavsGonad but I know why I had an ED, totally messed up childhood, constantly shamed and told not to eat x or y because "you'll get fat", my father was an abusive bully etc etc I know what caused it but I don't know how to get rid of it and that's why I feel the only way to prevent EDs occurring is to work on our parenting, to be mindful of our own attitudes to food, to not use the "f" word (fat) in front of them to be kind and never shame them or make them feel belittled.

@GustavsGonad i agree with you, but also I’m in the difficult position of thinking if I have some therapy I will lose the behaviours that keep me in check. I don’t think I’m in a position to be able to stop the tics/behaviours and moderate my food intake. Those behaviours don’t make me super thin, but they do help keep me slim and I’m not ready to test out my moderation skills without them.

I think one of the main differences is recovering alcoholics can choose to abstain, avoid alcohol and places where they're likely to encounter it, make excuses, tell the truth even and that's that- but it's v hard to avoid food and eating because it's something we have to do to stay alive and healthy. The only way around it is to use the coping mechanisms we've learnt to navigate it the best we can.
Don't get me wrong, my eating disordered life is 99%better than when I was a teenager but, to answer the original question, yes I do still have an eating disordered mindset.

@Yerroblemom1923 So much of your post resonates with me. My daughter is 7 and like you I’m very determined she’ll have as normal an attitude to food as possible. I never talk about calories, good or bad foods, or comment on her body shape. And I have bathroom scales hidden out of sight in a cupboard so they’re not visible in the bathroom.

If anything I’m probably overly cautious - my husband made some innocuous general comment the other day about eating a big lunch then going for a bike ride that would burn calories, and I was like ‘No, don’t say that in front of her!’ I really don’t want her connecting food, exercise and weight in that way.

And yes - ‘overthinking but undersharing’ could probably be my life motto!

I tend to agree with @GustavsGonad . I had Anorexia for 11 years culminating in an in patient stay. And when I came out I was determined never to return. But although I appeared healthy , my inner dialogue still controlled what I ate and was very influenced by comparison with others. That changed about 5 years on when I had to work away and eat out for all meals for a period of time - I nearly turned the opportunity down but realised that 'being scared to eat out and lose control of my food regime ' was not really something I wanted to say out loud to my boss! I did it and realised that I didn't go out of control/put on weight etc and I actually felt very liberated! Now on the occasional time I find myself comparing either food or figure I remind myself of what an unhappy time of my life it was. I would say I'm fully recovered now. I don't have scales but get weighed every few months with a chiropractic review. My weight has stayed stable bmi 20 for about 6 years now.

Sounds like you're doing a great job @CowboyFromHell I don't think you're being over cautious at all. My husband isn't as onboard as me and I've had to pull him up a few things he's said eg when he's commented on someone's body shape. She's also quite sporty (I've always ensured she's had every opportunity to try any sport she's shown an interest in without being pushy) and I'm glad as so many girls become self conscious in their teens and give up on sport.

@Noseylittlemoo I guess I think of myself as fully recovered as my overall behaviour is not governed by an eating disorder, for example I wouldn’t turn down going out for a meal with friends. So in that sense I don’t feel like it impacts my life.

It’s more that once I am out for the meal I’d have a few silly thoughts like those in my original post. And I often completely ignore these thoughts, it’s just the fact that they do exist which prompted me to create this thread.

@Noseylittlemoo that's really good to hear. I was honestly doubting if anyone was ever truly recovered. Do you mind me asking if you knew what triggered your ED and what therapy you had to overcome it?

I disagree that you can’t recover. I have. No dialogue around food at all anymore.

i thought it was aging but actually I think it’s down to Ashtanga yoga, it’s literally rewired how I think.

You and anyone that relates to you, are not fully recovered. There is so much more freedom than this. Please try to get help, whether that's with a professional or a self help book. I used to be like this and looking back it's so miserable and exhausting. Makes you feel so different to others.