Those small behaviour tics you still have even when you’ve fully recovered from an eating disorder

[CowboyFromHell]

Sorry, rubbish thread title but it’s hard to explain. And it’s worth stating that this is intended as a pretty lighthearted thread.

Background is that I was - relatively mildly - anorexic as a teenager, never hospitalised or anything like that. But I had a disordered relationship with food, restricting calories to maintain an underweight BMI. I recovered gradually during my twenties and now in my thirties I’m a healthy BMI and on the surface have a pretty normal relationship to food.

But while I am fully recovered I definitely still have a few behavioural tics or ‘tells’, which I know are irrational but nonetheless are still there. For example:

1. When eating with others I’m always careful to eat really slowly and be the last to finish (don’t want anyone thinking I’m greedy!)
2. I catch myself doing weird calculations in restaurants, again not to appear greedy. Thought processes like “friend x has eaten a starter, main course and two glasses of wine, I’ve had a main course and a Diet Coke, am I ‘allowed’ a dessert or would that add up to more than what my friend’s had? Of course, friend x is oblivious to all this
3. Being embarrassed to claim back my work expenses when the receipts list what I’ve eaten. Which is 100% ridiculous as I very much doubt my line manager even registers my sandwich and brownie from Pret.

I guess I’m just intrigued that, although I would definitely describe myself as fully recovered there still a very small part of my brain that, almost independently from me, has these thought processes. And that even people who know me well would be very unlikely to know I have them. Anyone else relate at all?

This really resonates with me. I wake up everyday and think about what I’m going to eat and what time. I battle with seemingly minor things like one toast or two. If I have 2 then I have to really control myself not to slip into a binge cycle and eat everything in sight. Eating out or having a takeaway I’ll eat all the veg in the dish (if it’s Chinese for example) and will only have a main course. I won’t eat after 6.30pm usually and I get a strange sense of calm if I’ve had a ‘good’ day and feel a bit hungry before bed. But I do have days when I binge and hate myself for it. I also make sure the week before a ‘big event’ like Christmas, I create a ‘buffer zone’ and try to drop 2-3kg so I can eat what I like on the day.
I know it’s crazy, I know food is on my mind all the time and this is how I control it. I’m also obsessive about housework so I clean when I feel the need to eat or decompress

Sorry me again I also wanted to add that I won’t eat a whole bar of chocolate unless it’s a fun size one, instead I’ll have a maximum of half. Even with biscuits I’ll have half a biscuit or one maximum anymore and I’ll slide into a binge

Gosh please get help people. This thread is going to be so triggering to people.

Tabitha Farrah has written some good books to help adults with recovery. Full recovery is definitely possible but it does mean doing the opposite to what the ED tells you and dealing with the anxiety fall out again and again.

The idea that EDs are about control is also not true, EDs control the sufferer in pretty much all aspects of their life and leave the sufferer completely at their mercy.

If you still have these small behaviours then start challenging yourselves to change them, notice the thought process 'someone might think I'm greedy if I finish first' and then aim to finish before the rest of the table.

Then notice the thought processes and any uncomfortable feelings that surface. Know that the thoughts in your head are not true (no one will care if you finish first) and that anxiety feels horrible but is harmless.

Mindfulness and CBT to challenge these thoughts and beliefs will help.

Agree with a PP. you are not recovered. Get help and keep working on it or you’ll never be free.

@NewNoo23 I really don’t know, which isn’t helpful I know… I think when I was ill I would probably interpret everything that everyone did negatively. Mum offers me an apple - she must think I’m too fat, she offers me cake - she’s trying to make me fat/sabotage me.

So I don’t know what the answer is, other than be as non judgemental as possible, model healthy eating, don’t discuss diets, etc. And just be generally supportive of your daughter, and be ready to advocate for her if ever needed.

There is an Eating Disorder board which might be helpful for OP and others

@NewNoo23 I don't know the answer either but I know my daughter who is a similar age enjoys sport and going to the gym with her mates (it's not an exercise obsession, if anything they exercise their jaws chatting more than anything!) so maybe encourage her to do this, offer to go with her perhaps? Also just model healthy eating, don't have too much junk food in the house and have lots of appealing summer salad veg in and fruit. Also protein. It keeps them full for longer. My dd enjoys poached or hard boiled eggs and avocado.
Maybe just say you're trying to eat healthier and get fitter and she'll follow suit....

You are living with a low level of disordered eating. You can live like this, lead a full life - friends, family, work, hobbies etc for ever; be physically ok.
But some sort of life event could well tip you over.
But god it's exhausting emotionally.
I live like this. I have the tools to stop a spiral (which I learnt when I was under the ED team) but I know I'm not recovered.

@Yerroblemom1923 sorry I've only just has a chance to catch up.

I had lots of therapies/counselling/kinesiology especially during the inpatient stay. But 2 things stand out 1)After the clinic I saw a talk by a woman called Grace Bowman and then read her book. She had recovered from Anorexia and I felt I had so much in common with her I thought it she can do it maybe I can. One day I started to allow myself more calories/food and decided that if it felt too bad I could revert to my old regime the next day. But it felt manageable so I continued the next day and so on. Literally day by day. However I still had an inner dialogue/calculator knowing almost exactly how much I was allowing my self.
2) Was as described the opportunity to work away staying in hotels literally forced me to give up the strict control. Sometimes I ate alone and sometimes with colleagues.The first few days were a bit anxious but the project was so busy I didn't have time to estimate calories etc . And then I realised I wasn't worrying about it! I think being busy and not spending too much time alone helped.

I’ve come back to this thread as I’ve just realised another one. Despite being fully recovered, and generally fine eating in front of other people, I won’t eat when in zoom or teams calls at work. In more informal meetings people will sometimes snack, or have a sandwich if it’s lunchtime etc, but I hate the idea of doing this.

I think it’s a mix of not wanting to have to watch myself eating on camera, and also not knowing if anyone else on the call is watching me eat - which I 100% know they wouldn’t be, but still… There’s zero logic though, I’m fine having a tea or coffee on camera.