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Original poster

People who don’t refer to you using your name

45 replies

beeonmybonnett · 13/06/2023 14:13

Does it annoy you when other people are talking about you with another person, right in front of you, and refer to you as he/she rather than using your name?

For example, at work this morning, one of my colleagues went to the local Tim Hortons and asked us if we wanted her to get us anything whilst she was there. I told her my order and then she asked one of my other colleagues if she wanted anything, and she said something like “just whatever she’s having” (referring to me!)

Just wanted to have a rant! I guess it’s quite a minor thing in the grand scheme of things, but it happens to me quite often and it really grinds my gears! Not sure why people can’t refer to others using their names, I find it so rude.

Does this annoy anyone else?

OP posts:
Quisquam · 13/06/2023 14:18

No, because I often used to meet mums on the way to school. No doubt they told me their names at the start, but I didn’t remember. I often spent 5 years talking to them, on the way to school and I didn’t know their name. I couldn’t ask after all that time!

BlameItOnTheGoose · 13/06/2023 14:22

In that situation my MIL always proclaims, "Who's she? The cat's mother?"

No idea what that means but it's a good retort I reckon

Original poster
beeonmybonnett · 13/06/2023 14:28

BlameItOnTheGoose · 13/06/2023 14:22

In that situation my MIL always proclaims, "Who's she? The cat's mother?"

No idea what that means but it's a good retort I reckon

Lol yes it’s a good come back - not sure I’d have the balls to say it though😂

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 13/06/2023 14:32

Quisquam · 13/06/2023 14:18

No, because I often used to meet mums on the way to school. No doubt they told me their names at the start, but I didn’t remember. I often spent 5 years talking to them, on the way to school and I didn’t know their name. I couldn’t ask after all that time!

Yeah exactly, and there's a lot of people whose names I think I know but I'm not confident enough to use them...

Original poster
beeonmybonnett · 13/06/2023 14:44

Quisquam · 13/06/2023 14:18

No, because I often used to meet mums on the way to school. No doubt they told me their names at the start, but I didn’t remember. I often spent 5 years talking to them, on the way to school and I didn’t know their name. I couldn’t ask after all that time!

That’s kinda different though.

The person I’m talking about in my OP is a work colleague whom I’ve worked with for a few years now and we pretty much see each other on a daily basis so I would think there’s something very wrong if she couldn’t remember my name.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 13/06/2023 14:47

that's what pronouns are for.

Original poster
beeonmybonnett · 13/06/2023 14:49

Brefugee · 13/06/2023 14:47

that's what pronouns are for.

In the right context, yes.

OP posts:
TheCyclingGorilla · 13/06/2023 14:55

We'll, I get called, "oi, you!" at work a lot so any improvement on that, I count as a win.

Maddy70 · 13/06/2023 14:55

No that's ridiculous. It's a valid term to use

Original poster
beeonmybonnett · 13/06/2023 14:59

Maddy70 · 13/06/2023 14:55

No that's ridiculous. It's a valid term to use

Im not sure what you mean? I didn’t say it was invalid.

This isn’t about he/she, they/them etc lol I’m saying that I think it’s rude when other people refer to you as he/she etc instead of using your actual name, as in your forename

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 13/06/2023 14:59

You have seen When Harry Met Sally and get the "I'll have what she's having" reference, right?

Original poster
beeonmybonnett · 13/06/2023 15:08

SummerInSun · 13/06/2023 14:59

You have seen When Harry Met Sally and get the "I'll have what she's having" reference, right?

No, I’ve never even heard of ‘when Harry met sally’.

I just think that if you’re referring to someone in the presence of that same person, the polite thing to do is to use their name rather than just saying “she”. I wasn’t brought up that way and I feel it is quite rude, it makes me feel like I’m not important enough to be known by my name

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 13/06/2023 15:14

What?!?! It's an iconic movie and the "I'll have what she's having scene is the most famous scene in it. I'm guessing you are younger than me. That scene is probably on YouTube somewhere. Anyway, I've got no view on people not using your name generally but "I'll have what she's having" is an expression / very well-known line - and a compliment to the person who picked the best thing on the menu first.

SummerInSun · 13/06/2023 15:16

It's like being offended if someone says "here's looking at you kid" when they pour you a Fri I because you think it's offensive to be called kid, not knowing they are just quoting a massively famous line from Casablanca.

Brefugee · 13/06/2023 15:17

SummerInSun · 13/06/2023 14:59

You have seen When Harry Met Sally and get the "I'll have what she's having" reference, right?

ooohhh well spotted!

But OP - do you honestly think they should use your name every time? as in

Coworker: I'll have what SIS is having
Coworker2: SIS is having xxx
Coworker3: oh that sounds good, I'll have what SIS is having too
Coworker4: i didn't hear what SIS is having. What is SIS having?

ad infinitum?

MinionsHooray · 13/06/2023 15:17

No I don’t get worked up by minor things.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 13/06/2023 15:21

My mother gave me the 'Who's she, the cat's mother' line too, so when I was growing up it was definitely politer to call someone by their name than to call them by their pronouns.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 13/06/2023 15:22

The 'When Harry Met Sally' reference is irrelevant. The lady who said 'I'll have what she's having' didn't know Sally's name. The OP's work colleague does.

I never liked that movie.

Rummikub · 13/06/2023 15:27

I hate it when people use my name unnecessarily. I’d prefer the ‘she’

Dont get me started on those who use my name like punctuation! I know you’re talking to me, you know you’re talking to me..

Brefugee · 13/06/2023 15:29

I can see how under some scenarios it would be rude.
Upon thinking about it, in this situation if i were the one asking for the same as OP i think i would use her name rather than, say, flap my hand offhandedly in OPs direction.

But if the other person came to me and said "I'm going to Tim Hortons to get some lunch for me and [OPs name] should i bring you something"
then it's a lot less rude to answer as OPs colleague did.

So yes, it is faintly rude, but it's not worth getting worked up about. I believe at that point it would be traditional to say, in bored teenager voice "I'm right here, you know" or something equally banal to let them know you don't appreciate it?

anallaise · 13/06/2023 15:29

beeonmybonnett · 13/06/2023 14:13

Does it annoy you when other people are talking about you with another person, right in front of you, and refer to you as he/she rather than using your name?

For example, at work this morning, one of my colleagues went to the local Tim Hortons and asked us if we wanted her to get us anything whilst she was there. I told her my order and then she asked one of my other colleagues if she wanted anything, and she said something like “just whatever she’s having” (referring to me!)

Just wanted to have a rant! I guess it’s quite a minor thing in the grand scheme of things, but it happens to me quite often and it really grinds my gears! Not sure why people can’t refer to others using their names, I find it so rude.

Does this annoy anyone else?

No and I don't understand why it would?

Original poster
beeonmybonnett · 13/06/2023 15:31

anallaise · 13/06/2023 15:29

No and I don't understand why it would?

Show quote history

Personally, I just find it rude referring to someone as ‘she’ within an earshot of that person. Would it really kill someone to just refer to them with the person’s name?

Its like you aren’t worthy enough to even have a name.

OP posts:
Bababababab · 13/06/2023 15:32

Wow as a non Brit this hurts my mind. I see nothing wrong with it! But hey ho

JulieHoney · 13/06/2023 15:34

You’re being rather ridiculous.

Bababababab · 13/06/2023 15:35

Just to clarify...it won't kill then to use your name. But equally it didn't kill you to hear it. For me it is a different way of referring to you. Sometimes use name and sometimes use she. In this scenario I would personally prefer she than the name, as I would have gotten distracted after I gave my order and then probably hear my name in the background and then have to ask them to explain which just takes too long. The conversation was between the 2 of them. She is appropriate in my head.