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Original poster

Wedding cash gift - how much?

101 replies

Twinklegolden · 13/06/2023 09:06

DP and I are attending a small wedding (16 people) next month, a couple of hours away from home. DP is best man.

We are torn with how much to give as a wedding gift. DP doesn’t want to give any more than £50 as he has had to pay for his own kilt hire, we’re paying for 2 nights in a hotel, petrol money and taking two and a half days annual leave to attend the wedding. Plus the couple didn’t appear very grateful when we got them engagement, new home and baby gifts.

I don’t particularly want to stretch to much more considering all of the above, however it feels a bit mean giving £50 as day guests when we usually gift £50 as evening guests.

Should we just suck it up and stretch to £100?

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 14/06/2023 20:47

I really don't get this. Complaining about someone being tight is awful.

Blondey2023 · 14/06/2023 20:49

Remotecontrolatmyside · 13/06/2023 13:11

What the bride/groom paid is completely irrelevant. They've chosen to get married, venue and it's their wedding. The OP had to pay for clothes as they had to wear a kilt. £50 is absolutely fine.

Show quote history

Couldn't have put this better! £50 is generous. I would NEVER begrudge anyone giving less, we were just happy people attended. Seems very grabby and cheeky to say £50 is "tight".

Judgyjudgy · 14/06/2023 20:59

Pammela · 14/06/2023 20:37

I’m a bit confused by the ‘tit-for-tat’ approach here..people saying ‘it didn’t cost them anything to have me there’.. but going to a wedding is a celebration..not a break-even event..
If you can afford £100, then give £100. If not, don’t! But these things are supposed to based around love/friendship..not money.

This

Lamped · 14/06/2023 21:15

Wow I'm surprised by these! We got married 5 years ago and most friends got us nothing - £10, family more like £50 or £100. I thought I was being very generous giving my friends £50! We got my sister an expensive gift (£400) as we couldn't attend her wedding so didn't have any of the associated costs.

MaydinEssex · 14/06/2023 21:22

It put £20-£30 inside a card, especially if attending the wedding was costing me lots of money already.

Motheranddaughter · 14/06/2023 21:25

We normally give £100 but would up that if we were Best man/ best maid (£250)

Nicecow · 14/06/2023 21:40

Ah MN, where most people don't care about the couple, but instead care about what they get out of the wedding and how much it costs them. Must be a British thing! Them not paying for the kilt is rude, but maybe you have likeminded friends 🤷‍♀️ went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago, I gave what I would have given ... I didn't deduct money because of the costs I incurred 😒

Morechocmorechoc · 14/06/2023 21:51

I'd call the hire of 125 the wedding gift. That's so rude to request that and not pay

CuteCillian · 14/06/2023 21:59

in your position I would put the £50 in a card and say "Hope you can put this together with the engagement money we gave you (haven't heard from you but hopefully you received that?) and buy something nice. xxx" but I'm a passive aggressive arsehole.

Gafelix · 14/06/2023 22:03

I do think it matters how much they spent on me at the wedding. Inviting me only to the free portion makes me feel undervalued. I wouldn't go as far to say people do this as a strategy to make money and just invite a load of people to a cash bar and expect a gift but i'm sure it happens.

Cece92 · 14/06/2023 22:03

I think £50 is absolutely fine. Kilt hires are expensive. X

Hadalifeonce · 14/06/2023 22:05

£50 is fine.

Runnerduck34 · 14/06/2023 22:22

Depends on your financial circumstances but if you DH is bestman and you usually give £100 as a wedding gift , I would say £50 is a bit mean.
Unfortunately weddings are often expensive to attend, but for a close friend I would put up with it and be generous especially if I could afford to.

My2pence2day · 14/06/2023 22:25

Gafelix · 14/06/2023 22:03

I do think it matters how much they spent on me at the wedding. Inviting me only to the free portion makes me feel undervalued. I wouldn't go as far to say people do this as a strategy to make money and just invite a load of people to a cash bar and expect a gift but i'm sure it happens.

I'm not sure if you've ever planned a wedding but that's a seriously cynical view. If you have lots of friends and family that you want there, that's usually the only way people can manage it. Even if you do get money, it's normally nowhere enough to cover the costs let alone make a profit 😑

HunterHearstHelmsley · 14/06/2023 22:26

£100 is excessive if he is having to hire a kilt

I find the whole pay to be in the wedding party but also buy me a gift to be beyond tacky though

roundcork · 14/06/2023 22:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the user.

Soapyspuds · 14/06/2023 22:45

Rather tacky giving and expecting £100+

I think £50 for day and £20 is fine. Completely besides the point how much the wedding has cost.

Soapyspuds · 14/06/2023 22:46

£20 for evening guests

Newestname002 · 14/06/2023 23:01

Twinklegolden · 14/06/2023 20:28

Having checked with the other best man, DP is going to gift £100 (through gritted teeth) as he is gifting £100. The other best man and his wife are having to pay for their meal in the restaurant of the hotel as the couple have said they were unable to add them on to the package! That to me is peak CF!!

Actually I think he should stick with the £50 cash and, mentally, add the £175 it's costing him for the kilt hire, which the groom should have paid. So, actually, the "gift" is £225. Your DP shouldn't feel he has to fall in line with the other best man or anyone else, but on his own financial situation. 🌹

Jemandthehologramsunite · 15/06/2023 03:10

Soapyspuds · 14/06/2023 22:45

Rather tacky giving and expecting £100+

I think £50 for day and £20 is fine. Completely besides the point how much the wedding has cost.

You'd give someone £20 as a wedding gift?! 😳 If that's all you can afford, then obviously that's fair, but if it's not you are very, very cheap. I also agree it doesn't matter how much the wedding cost. It's meant be a gift for a couple I presume you like a great deal, maybe even love to celebrate their marriage. You're not meant to mentally calculate the costs. Smh.

MissTrip82 · 15/06/2023 03:29

Gafelix · 13/06/2023 15:47

Kilt hire is very expensive - £200 for DP recently

I gift entirely based on what they spend on me.

I was invited just to the wedding ceremony once and gave a card and a £10 bottle of champagne after receiving the invite with a poem requesting cash gifts only. It didn't cost them a penny to have me there, no glass on arrival and the more important guests were whisked off to have a 3 course meal. Friend did tell me after that she received so many gifts despite asking for cash (knowing she was trying to tell me) I just told her to be grateful. We're not friends anymore for unrelated reasons.

I was also invited to an evening event too where there was a cash bar. I almost didn't go. They got a bottle of wine and a card. It didn't cost them a penny to have me there.

When I am invited for a full three course meal and the full day I will do £50 per adult plus a thoughtful small gift.

I always find this approach very vulgar and transactional. People who can afford a very expensive wedding are no more deserving of a gift than those who cannot.

People who’ve paid for your meal are certainly not more deserving of a ‘thoughtful’ gift. That’s really very unpleasant.

I certainly don’t stratify our gifts in this way. We spend broadly the same on everyone (more on family).

If 50 pounds is your budget this time, then that’s your gift.

WaitingfortheTardis · 15/06/2023 05:36

£50 is loads. Weddings are expensive to attend, that really is part of the gift in itself in this case, with outfit hire etc.

Shangrilalala · 15/06/2023 06:26

I really dislike the way that cash as a gift is now the norm.

I suppose years ago, when people were often setting up home together for the first time, a wedding list of presents to help the couple start a new life together was a perfect idea. We married over 25 years ago, had a list which people were directed to if they enquired, and I still look at some of the presents we still have and think fondly of those who gifted them to us: never think of the cost.

Of course, that’s another lifetime! However, I do feel that the expectation of a financial contribution to couples who may be well set up in their lives/want to offset wedding costs/are planning a lavish honeymoon monetarises the relationship in a rather grubby way. Calling people ‘tight’ for gifting £50, which may well be a significant amount of money for them is a classic example of this.

It’s the expectation that sits badly with me and I know that’s not the general consensus.

Summerslimtime · 15/06/2023 06:32

It doesn't matter what it's costing the bride and groom, the gift isn't to cover their costs. £30-£50 is what we pay. Yes, many times not even an acknowledgement. It costs a fortune to attend anyway.

Maybe people are just richer than us...

CeriB82 · 15/06/2023 06:41

Wow some of these replies! Some of you sound so entitled. Grabby, and its ugly. I guess you’re the type of person to bitch about who gave what and how much and look down on them. Who needs friends eh?

£50 is more than adequate as a wedding gift.