How would you respond to this gross message from a male friend?

[ecdysiast2]

I say friend-this male friend used to be a quite close friend. We go to the same pub, live in the same area. I am a lesbian, in a relationship but not living together.

Sometime ago he just distanced himself from me. He'd in the past, helped me with jobs (I paid him!), he'd message me when he was going to the pub, he'd walk me home on occasion (other male friends have done this with me too) he'd come in for a drink before or after, he'd visit me just to sit in my garden as he doesn't have one himself, he was friendly with my girlfriend too. We had a group chat with another mutual friend too but then he suddenly stopped all of that and began blanking me if I saw him in the pub. I was a bit confused but ultimately decided if he wanted to not be friends with me any more for whatever reason, that was up to him and fair enough.

Recently he's been a bit more friendly toward me, has come and sat with me and mutual friends more if I was out, but nothing more than that.

Tonight he messaged me asking if I was coming to the pub. I said no, don't feel like it tonight but I also found it a bit odd because he hasn't done that since he distanced himself.

He text later saying he was going home, but was getting food first-did I want anything. Again, odd as he's never done that before and knows I dont really 'do' takeaways.

Then, not long afterward, I had a message from him saying;

'I'd go down on you for a good hour' 😳

I want to ignore it. I am sure he'll message me in the morning apologising. Not nice, but plenty of us have sent messages we regret when we've had a few I am sure. My girlfriend wants me to send a message to him saying this is completely inappropriate and he must not do it again.

WWYD?

[HRTQueen]

I find this sort of thing so annoying and it’s disrespectful

It’s his ego. It’s disappointing that a friend thinks this is ok and hopes you shall be so turned on you will say yes

so many men do this shit there is such lack of respect rarely do I hear of women sending such messages

unless you are flattered and I think you have more respect for yourself I would send a curt reply in a few days telling him to stop being so pathetic

[stbrandonsboat]

Just text back "Ew 🤢"

[RingLightLight]

@Jibo

I would reply "I don't think this was meant for me".

Yes but would wait for the morning so he’s definitely sober and will agree! If she sends this eve he might spoil his chance to save face by insisting it really was meant for her

[baroqueandblue]

I'd text back 'Would ye, aye? Just the thought of that has gave me the dry baulk and the ick 🤢 Away tae yer bed ye sex pestering fudd." Block.

I dinnae mince ma words, mind.

[HRTQueen]

Why text I don’t think this was for me

of course it was for the op why give him the chance to get off this lightly and make it into a joke

we need to be calling out this behaviour more

[PatchworkDonkey]

Honestly, I'd block and delete, be polite but distant if you see him in the pub. If he asks why I'd tell him I didn't appreciate his inappropriate message but I wouldn't get into a conversation about it, I'd not want to hear his excuses or how it was only a joke etc.

As I was reading your post I was thinking bet he fancies you. Distanced himself either because he got a girlfriend or because he realised he has no chance with you. Now he's back because he's not getting any elsewhere. He's not a friend and doesn't care about you or your feelings, he's out for what he can get.

[Rainbowsandfairies]

I smell a rat 🐀 🤪

[ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse]

Are you sure one of his friends hasn't sent the message as a prank to make him look daft?

[mayorofcasterbridge]

Someone who sends a text like this to anyone would give me the 'ick'!!

[ecdysiast2]

@baroqueandblue
@HRTQueen I DO agree with that! 
@PatchworkDonkey I think that may have been why he stopped being my friend to be honest. From what others have said.

@ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse well, the landlord of the pub IS a prankster and has done that kind of thing before.
However, before starting this thread I texted and asked him if he had 'Daves' phone and he said no. I didn't think it was him, as the person in question is quite articulate in his messages, grammar etc whereas landlord is very 'text speak-y'.

He did say he'd been in the pub all day though-unusual for him, he's not the type to drink a lot, usually a few pints and that's it. Seems he was drunk and decided this was a good idea it wasn't

[Remy7]

OP I could have written this! I had the exact same situation. The first time I said 'don't think that was for me' but then a few weeks later it happened again so definitely deal with it now if you can.
The second time I said how inappropriate it was because he knows I've got a partner and not to message me again.
He has apologised (sober) but I told him again he couldn't do that, we rarely speak now apart from the odd hope you're ok. He knows he did wrong. You need to call out this behaviour.

[ecdysiast2]

He has sent me a message around lunchtime today saying 'Next time I drink stella, I need to turn my phone off'.

I'd have preferred an apology of course!

He isn't usually a heavy drinker. Few pints of bitter (which is weaker usually I think?) and that's it. He must have been very drunk, having been in the pub most of the day.

[Balloonhearts]

I'd just reply that he'd have to, nothing else he's packing is likely to do the job. Maybe with an emoji of a pencil in a pot.

[NameChangeNumber359]

Neither the beer nor his phone is to blame for him being a sleazy fucking creep. Block and delete on everything and blank him whenever you have the misfortune to see him in public again.

[007DoubleOSeven]

@ecdysiast2

He has sent me a message around lunchtime today saying 'Next time I drink stella, I need to turn my phone off'.

I'd have preferred an apology of course!

He isn't usually a heavy drinker. Few pints of bitter (which is weaker usually I think?) and that's it. He must have been very drunk, having been in the pub most of the day.

"Was that supposed to be an apology? How dare you text me what you have after the way you've treated me that last X months. You've got some serious growing up to do."

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Drunk man violates woman’s boundaries. But it’s ok because he ‘isn’t usually a heavy drinker’.

FFS OP stand up for yourself.

[xXiXx]

Don't work too hard to fix this, smooooothing the awkwardness over et cetera.

Reading this, the thing that struck me was that he obviously thought he was ''in there'' (romantically or sexually) and then when that flatlined, he punished you by cold stone ignoring you. People who give you the silent treatment are showing you they have zero communication skills, and people who use the silent treatment to ;punish you are the lowest of the low. They want you to be confused and hurt and they believe you DESERVE it for not admiring them/wanting them/sleeping with them.

I know you said he's a friend, but I would not push water up hill trying to repair this 'friendship'.

[CheekyHobson]

I'd have preferred an apology of course!

Well, that’s what you should ask for. If you don’t, don’t be surprised when he continues to act like a dick, as you are showing that you are prepared to let him do so without pushback.

[Catsmere]

He should be an ex friend after that. All the booze did was disinhibit him so he wasn’t hiding his creepiness.

[Kabbalah]

Send a message to him saying this is completely inappropriate and he must not do it again.

[FindingMeno]

Honestly I would find it hilarious, but I'm a bit scared of admitting that in mumsnet- land.
I do understand others wouldn't though, so in that case maybe it's best just to ignore.

[determinedtomakethiswork]

I think you should've blocked him immediately. It was obvious he was going to come up with something pathetic.

[Nagado]

I’d be inclined to respond ‘That’s not how you spell ‘I’m so sorry, it was completely inappropriate, offensive and I’ll never do it again’. It’s not like you still have a friendship to salvage.

[JuneOsborne]

Ah, he thinks he can 'cure' you. How offensive. And what a terrible follow up text. I'd definitely block and delete, not giving him any air. Eugh.

[PumpkinsAndCoconuts]

@FindingMeno

Honestly I would find it hilarious, but I'm a bit scared of admitting that in mumsnet- land.
I do understand others wouldn't though, so in that case maybe it's best just to ignore.

That's not okay. He clearly realised the next day that OP didn't find it funny...he should have apologised. But didn't.

=> he missed his last chance to potentially make this right (IMO).