How do I make this situation fair?

[Preps]

I've never been one for meticulously balancing everything out re gifts to DC, they're given based on need at the time and it generally works out over time, but this is/was a big one.

DS1 passed his driving test just before lockdown. With nowhere to go, he had no real need for a car but was granted occasional use of our 2nd car, a 2yo low mileage Fiesta (at the time).

Then DH died and I had no need of a second car so DS1 had pretty much exclusive use of it. In the end I gave it to him as a 21st birthday present. I never thought I'd be the kind of parent who gave DC cars but it solved two problems at the time.

DS2's driving lessons were interrupted by covid and he's now 20yo and still learning.

I don't have a convienient car to give him. The price of 2nd hand cars has increased so much that the c. £8k DS1's car was worth when he was given it wouldn't buy something equivalent now.

I could afford to buy either an £8k car, give DS2 £8k towards a car or buy him an equivalent 2yo vehicle, but that is much more £ than I'd expect a young man of his age and means to be driving.

WWYD?

Can you look at what the equivalent of £8k today is and give him that towards a car?

I do think you should have thought about this at the time. Giving 8k for a 21st is a big thing to do if you don’t have lots of money tucked away

Im not sure why you didn’t tell yourself this at the time of giving it to your eldest

best thing to do is explain the scenario to your two boys and ask if they can share? And maybe your car too?

Maybe because I was dealing with the loss of a DH two DC who'd gone to pieces and all the practical things (like what to do with the car) you have to do when someone dies?

I do comfortably have the money to make it right. I'm just not sure what form that should take.

Sorry for your loss, is your car a possible gift, and you get a new one?

With gifts like this, which fall into a parenting grey area of ‘life help’ rather than pure ‘gifting’ it’s not generally applicable to base it on inflation.

Ultimately you didn’t give cash, you gave a vehicle. To give a substantially lesser vehicle to DS2 regardless of sticker price feels unfair to me. I wouldn’t personally do that to my two children. Surely DS1 benefited from the rise in used car prices too. The fiesta has no doubt, either gained value or at the very least sidestepped the expected depreciation.

Personally I would be looking to get DS2 an equivalent vehicle to the fiesta at the point you officially gifted it to DS1

I've kept the "better" of the two cars. It's too big and powerful to be a first car.

Yes, I think I tend to agree with you, but would that be when he first had use of it or two years later when he was given it?

Ask ds2 what they'd prefer ( but not a 2yr old car as that would be £££)

I think I would get him the equivalent car in terms of age, condition, quality, prestige etc.

Comparing value or thinking about the value in terms of his age is probably not helpful. Especially with the way prices are now.

Based on you saying you can afford it comfortably.

I would speak to DS2 , explain exactly as you did here , that timing and situation meant it made sense for DS1 to have the first car . Since you have £8k spare I would suggest giving that to him towards his first car for his 21st birthday , no it won’t buy the same quality of car as DS1 got , that’s unfortunate, but just the way the car market is at the moment. DS2 may even use it to buy a cheaper car and use some for the insurance, tax etc . You and your boys have had such a joint trauma , that I would like to think they would both see that as completely fair.

I'd probably say at point of gift.

Have you spoken to either of them about the options?

Similar happened with my brother and I. I was bloody livid. I had to buy my own first utterly crap car myself.

Channeling my 18 yo self <strains> I think chat to him, ask if he'd rather you kept the cash as a kind of voucher when he's buying or what he thinks is fair. The fact is that DC1 has a significant asset which DC2 doesn't.

Sorry for your loss. that does make everything massively more understandable.

No and TBF, DS1 knows how lucky he was and I don't think DS2 has any expectations at all.

The situation then and now is completely different. If you're a generally fair parents neither DC will feel hard done by or that you're intentionally being unfair. Do what you think is best in this situation, based on what you can afford- there's no need to compare two drastically different situations. Your DC will get it.

Did your oldest having a car and the ability to drive help you at the time? If so, it wasn’t entirely about giving him a car, it was about helping the family function in a difficult time.

if you have the means, I would help your younger child with a vehicle, but you don’t have to match the original gift.

my own parent briefly got the idea that if he gave one of his middle aged children a nice gift, he needed to give both a similar amount of money. We nipped this in the bud and explained that it makes more sense to save resources and give when it is meaningful and that things will balance out over time.

I think that idea applies to young adults as well. Each have different needs at different times. As long as you aren’t favoring one over the other, it will balance out over the long term.

I would give DC2 8k towards a car.

Maybe tell DS2 you have 8k for his birthday and he can spend it all on a car or split it e.g. 5k car and holiday etc. You would have to agree - I'm not suggesting you let him have it to waste it away.

What about maintenance and insurance? Does he have a job to cover this?

Unless you really can't afford it ( I think you say you can though?) I would give your son an equivalent car, as a 21st birthday present, to what his older brother received, so that you have treated both boys exactly the same.

Although maybe wait until he's passed his test? But tell him that's going to be his present if that's what he would like.

I would say from the point it was officially his. Having use of your vehicle wasn’t him having ownership and with all your family has been through I think you’ve done the best you can.

For clarity I would be saying ‘here is an equivalent vehicle to the one I gifted your DB’ I think DS2 would find that reasonable once explained x

It's nice to hear that DS1 feels he was lucky to get a car, and that DS2 isn't feeling entitled to one. Sounds as if you have done a good job bringing them both up OP.

Well this adds an extra layer of complication actually. When it was "my" car that DS drove, he made a contribution towards the insurance but I covered all other costs. That's one reason I decided to give it to him, it seemed ridiculous that I was completely funding a car he had pretty much exclusive use of.

DS2 wouldn't be given a car until he's in a position to fund the running costs himself, but DS1 did have use of a car before then.

I agree. Lovely kids, you should be proud.

Do people really nickel and dime to this extent? Circumstances were that you had a car to give, and a son ready to have it. Great.
Now you don't, nor the money to give the EXACT same thing to your next kid. So do what you can afford - if that's a five year old lesser car so be it! Sounds like your son will be happy with that anyway.
When my husband died I gave his car to my eldest stepson. I never thought 'oh my goodness must give the equivalent to the next boy too'. I had the car, he had a license.
My parents paid far more for my eldest sister's education (doctor), than they ever did on mine. And my youngest went to a private school (me and my older sister were at a state school). Do you think we care? No.

Quitelikeit · Today 20:01
I do think you should have thought about this at the time. Giving 8k for a 21st is a big thing to do if you don’t have lots of money tucked away

Im not sure why you didn’t tell yourself this at the time of giving it to your eldest

Such a crass comment 😬