What it cost to get us a house makes me sad

[Sadlysadsad]

Firstly, I know I’m lucky to have divorced and had enough to only have a tiny mortgage, so I don’t mean to upset anyone.

When I was married my husband owned our family home. I put money into it, I was a SAHM and I fully contributed, but it was his house before and there was a lot of history that meant it never felt like home, nor was it a house I would have chosen.

He always promised he would put me on the mortgage/deeds, but there was always a reason he couldn’t, and as time went on I realised a) I was never going on it b) that he was being underhand over it all and c) all final decisions were his, which was a huge struggle.

He promised we would sell it and start in a new house, but ditto above. He wanted to stay in the house and he wanted to own it solely.

Alongside a big history of DV it ended up with me leaving, divorcing (big battle where he stayed true to form and we wasted tons of money having to disprove financial lies) but I got enough to buy a house with a really small mortgage.

We’ve been in a month, and I just feel so unsettled. I should be proud of where I got us against the odds and I’m in a hugely lucky position, but I’m just sad.

Suddenly every decision is mine, if this house turns into a money pit it’s down to me, if the boiler explodes it’s down to me, I’ve got some work being done and even things like “where should this switch go” there’s no one to discuss it with.

It feels like I got me and the children the security we need, but at a massive cost. There’s no one to share it with, no one to help with the bastard flat pack, it’s just me.

I think I’m having buyers remorse, but also that feeling that it should have been us if he could just have been a normal decent person is quite strong.

I feel I should enjoy all I have a lot more, but I can’t

It’s all still very new and raw, you’ve been through a lot.

In time I hope you DO feel proud because you really should. You and your children have a safe space, a sanctuary. And you did that.

Please take some time to adjust and be kind to yourself, things will settle and you will slowly learn to love your new home x

I think it's totally understandable after everything you have been through. It's amazing that you have built a life and bought a house! I owned my first little house on my own so I know what you mean about the responsibility- but you can do it!

Maybe it's not buyer's remorse. Maybe it's that you've been so occupied in getting away from him that now you're actually safe, psychologically too, you're able to feel the grief associated with the end of the relationship and the dreams of yours he broke slowly, over years.

Maybe you're also "just" exhausted.

Honestly I think you might be right. I was in battle mode for so long and suddenly for the most part it’s over. I have a fairly low paying job, but financially I am so much better off as my tiny mortgage is nothing against £1400 rent, I can do it all with what I have coming in.
But I’m exhausted for sure.
I also keep worrying over everything. I don’t seem able to make decisions or stop worrying over everything.

Possibly, because you're safe and away now, you're transferring the anxiety of house worries from the many years of anxiety the ex inflicted on you. It's your body trying to keep the status quo.

The longer you stay, the more it will feel like home. You are safe now, so it's safe to unravel a bit. But that's fine, you'll come back stronger xx

no one to help with the bastard flat pack
You don't need anyone to help, you just need a cordless screwdriver - it'll change your life!

I think it's like the grieving process you go through with so many life changes.

So you are grieving the life and future you thought you'd have with your XH.

Hopefully soon you'll realise what you've done for your children and you is amazing and be proud of yourself for what you've achieved.

I had the same experience OP. Moving into my house should have been the happiest day of my life. It was miserable. A year later I was the happiest I've ever been.
It's the shock of what you've been through. It's takes time to get over that. A bit like PTSD. It's a massively big life change, divorce and life change. Just rest, take every day as it comes. In a year I promise you will feel very different.
I can do anything now. I dont need a man.

As for being asked to make decisions about positions. Ask tradespeople what they would recommend/what clients usually pick and why - there's usually a sound reason.

Suddenly every decision is mine, if this house turns into a money pit it’s down to me, if the boiler explodes it’s down to me, I’ve got some work being done and even things like “where should this switch go” there’s no one to discuss it with.

I hope for you what happened to me after my divorce. Not literally! I was in the house and an enormous, repulsive hornet appeared. I'm afraid of wasps and exH always dealt with them (about all he was good for). I had to deal with it, there wasn't anyone else. So I did. That hornet was a gift. It was horrible and hard and scary but I dealt with it. Me.

Afterwards I felt like I was fine. Not all at once but that Divorce Hornet taught me that it might be harder but it was much much better.

If you need to make a flat pack or decide where a switch goes, that's your Divorce Hornet. It will be hard, you will do it, life will be better.

FWIW, my DH died last year. He was the least practical man you could meet. Anything to do with repair etc. I sorted it. But now I am by myself with 2 adult kids with disabilities and sometimes I feel just the way you do. I know I can do it, I'm still practical and capable, I think I really just want someone to moan to about it all. I've done the whole house up, it's been a slog, I hope I'm getting to the end. You can do this OP and feel proud of what you have achieved. As I finish each room, I think ' I did that!'. Give yourself a pat on the back.

@MrsTerryPratchett - I love the idea of a Divorce Hornet. I was once literally stung by a hornet - it hurt like buggery for a short amount of time ( very short) and then it went & I am not so scared of hornets as I was before - I wonder if there is metaphor in there

@Sadlysadsad Moving house I think is stressful. Give it time. I will bet a pound to a pint of strawberries you will come to really like your house. The ex DH to one side I have moved house and felt very stressed. It passed. I can see not having a DP to discuss things makes it worse but get some friends / local tradespeople / neighbours / family over to time you can phone for advice.

I truly wish you well.

I'm about to exchange and 4 weeks from completing and getting away from my soon to be ex who has deceived me from the start and has cost me so much. He doesn't know and me and my daughter will soon be away from him... I totally understand where you're coming from about it all down to you. The most important thing is YOU ARE FREE like I will be soon. Well done you!

It's very new. You are overwhelmed with the responsibility. But you escaped DV and financial abuse, that's something to be very proud of. You haven't been permitted to enjoy 'having a home' before I suspect so you are dealing with feelings of guilt and self-sabotage which are common with DV.
Having to do everything by yourself can be fun at times and help you grow if you enjoy a challenge. It can also be exhausting and demoralising. Do you have any friends nearby who you could invite to a wine and flat pack evening?

You have been through trauma and you need to give yourself time to heal. Also, now that you are safe, you may be grieving for the life you thought you were going to have, if your ex hadn't turned out to be so awful. Be kind to yourself.

@Sadlysadsad I've been exactly where you are. Still am some days. It's grief and the trouble is, because no-one actually died, you don't get sympathy or help like a widow would.

But you are grieving - I grieved loosing the home where I bought my daughter back to after she was born, all those memories of the first 12 years of her life, having to leave the city I still feel is home because I was priced out, the loss of being a family.

I had a big battle legally with my ex too, and the point about being in fight mode is pertinent. When you get to safety, switch off fight mode then all the sadness floods in.

It's three years down the line and things are less raw. I have a lovely little house near the sea, not sure it will ever feel 100% home like London but I have a nice life here. DD is settled and I am financially secure. Take a day at a time, tell yourself everyday you're doing the best with the circumstances your ex gave you (bastard!) and be lenient on yourself.

I still find it hard having no second opinion, no-one else to take the load off or help out in a crisis (my ex is a tosser and doesn't really help out even with DD much) but I just have to get up every day and get on.

You're not alone in your feelings - hope that helps!

Just to add - the flat pack thing is VERY annoying 🤣 - you should have seen the state of me trying to put together my garden egg chair last year!!!

Next flat pack I just paid someone to do!

OP, you’ve had some lovely comments above, but I wonder if some of this feeling comes from your XH placing blame and having a go at you for when things did go wrong before. Not specifically for house related things. To the extent that you become afraid of making a decision because with an abusive person, it would always be the wrong one anyway.

Now you are accountable to only yourself, you can be kinder if/when you do make mistakes. You can chalk it up to experience and put it right.

Well done @Sadlysadsad - you’ve fought hard and your kids will see how strong and capable you are. Hopefully one day you change name, not through fear of being recognised, but because it won’t match your feelings anymore x

This is going to sound a bit cheesy, but would it help to change the story you're telling yourself? So that instead of saying 'if something goes wrong, it's on me', you could say 'I managed to achieve this all on my own' and 'I get to choose what I want to do and I don't have to compromise'.

As for decisions about decorating or help with building stuff - ask your friends! I am a DIY buddy for one of my single friends and a friend of mine who's great at decorating is a design guru for me.

OP, just wanted to tell you i'm in a similar situation, split up during Lockdown, and due to being in temporary employment (thanks Covid) couldn't obtain a mortgage, so had to use my equity to buy a small poky flat in a rough area. Regret buying now, but as my temporary employment was due to end, and was in private rented accommodation, equity would have been blown on renting.
I'm not practical either, currently have roof problems, dripping tap, etc and will have to pay through the nose to have problems fixed.
Living in hope and hope things improve for you too.

Be practical.

Get boiler insurance so all repairs, parts and call outs are covered.

Same for anything else that worries you - oven? Washer? other appliances? So if something expensive breaks you don't have the stress of organising repairs for yourself.

Make sure you have decent home insurance for contents and building.

Get yourself a toolbox and fill it with useful things.

Decorate and furnish your home how you want without having to answer to anybody else!

Thankyou for all the comments.
I think my marriage has left me with several things
Im very nervous of spending money. I’ve bought some lovely bits (because now I have a lovely house) but the joy of them is ruined thinking what he would think at me spending money and me questioning if I should have. A lot of this is from where he financially drove me into the ground during the divorce and my life was a struggle, now I can spend a bit and it feels alien and wrong to me. It takes the edge of buying something nice.

He collects the children from my house, and I know him well enough to know he’s sneering that I’ve been ripped off and look what I’ve wasted his money on. I could buy a mansion and he’d say “well, she’s paid over the top for that hasn’t she?” and because I still seem to crave something from him, some kind of approval, I feel like I need to show him how well I have done.

I feel like I need things done now and this is an issue.
My marital home was a building site. He was fairly handy but got bored with things, so he would pull down a wall or ceiling, creating tons of mess that he’d only half clear up and then……he’d think of another thing more interesting to do DIY wise. For my entire marriage I couldn’t have friends over because you could see the shock on their faces at exposed wires, and pulled down walls with no sign of anything being actually put to rights.
So when I see something needs doing I have to get it done this instant, so I pressure myself because it feels like it needs to be perfect otherwise it’s not right.

It’s a lot to unpick from years of marriage really. I remember having counselling when I was married and telling her how I wanted new lights, but he kept having excuses about changing them (it always needed to wait for never ending work to be completed) and she was just like “so buy the lights” and she couldn’t fathom how I couldn’t do that and I couldn’t fathom how she couldn’t get why I couldn’t just buy them.
I went from being a person who was really independent to his wife and somehow I’ve become a shadow of myself.

Hi, I just wanted to say be kind to yourself. I am visually impaired and have owned my home for just over three months now, and I’m having a rough time as well, and sometimes I don’t know whether it’s spires remorse or something else. I was not in a DV situation, but I lived with a landlady who was causing me a lot of psychological harm and being extremely controlling and manipulative. I have gone through so much upheaval within the past eight months, I was evicted, and I had to get up on my feet in Greece, with a language barrier and start over. So I think part of the issue for me, like you, is I’m exhausted, I’m having to handle everything at once and as a new homeowner, it’s tough. There have been some good suggestions on this thread, I might look into making my own toolbox as well. I did have one tradesmen put together my bed and he showed me how to use a screwdriver, and I am learning how to do some basic DIY. I even purchased a plant for my balcony, and it is still alive after two weeks. I have a long way to go, like you, but I did purchase a very small swing, which is now in my bedroom, and it’s some thing I very much enjoy. Is there something you could do, even something little, that would help you to enjoy your home a little bit more? Is there a nice corner where you could set up a movie corner or a reading corner or whatever hobby you have?

by the way, my boiler packed up the first month I was in here, so I did have to replace it, but I bought an easy to use boiler which hopefully will last me a while now. I also have homeowners insurance and have taken out an earthquake insurance, since that was really making me panic. I was closing on my home in February, when that big earthquake hit Türkiye and Syria, and some of my Greek friends who are catastrophize Ing we’re saying we would have a big one in Greece as well… Not very helpful, but I did take out earthquake insurance.

be kind to yourself, know that you have been brave and done some thing for yourself, and keep going.

I would recommend some counselling privately if possible just to talk through your emotions and enable you to move on. This is an exciting phase in your life but the grief etc from what could have been will linger - I think once you get through that emotional stage you will bloody love having your own place , making your own decisions and building a future for you and your family

Sounds to me OP, like you are grieving for the life you thought you had / would have. That's completely understandable.

But one day, you'll wake up and appreciate what a bad arse mumma you are! You've totally got this. Life is going to be so much better for you and your kids. You are awesome. A fabulous role model. Go you!