Grief - when do you stop feeling overwhelmingly sad?

[everypartofmehurts]

It’s coming up for a year since I lost two people very special to me. I’ve spent all day crying, and crying. Life seems meaningless without them in it. I do good things but they’re always missing, and I am so, so utterly desperate to talk to them and get a cuddle and for them to tell me I’m doing alright.

I feel so crushingly alone. I have people around me but not who I really, really want.

I keep thinking about ending it all, I’ve spent all day thinking about how I’d do it. if the rest of my life is going to feel this way. but I’d be leaving people behind and I don’t want to cause more hurt. And maybe even ending it all wouldn’t give me what I want.

I have a support worker who understands. But it’s the weekend so can’t speak to her. I don’t know what to do.

I'm so sorry for your losses. It took me a good number of years to not cry whenever I even thought about my dad after he died. The only time I felt okay was when I was at my martial arts class because I was entirely focused on that. It's so hard and of course different for everyone but ending your own life isn't the answer. Try to just keep busy, keep your mind on other things.

I lost my grandparents close together 5 years ago, my Babas anniversary is coming up in a few days, I sometimes still feel totally overwhelmed by the loss. I now mostly try to remember all the good times, but it can be hard when we have family events and they are not there. I think its important to talk about dead family/friend, keeps their memory alive. I also visit their graves, take flowers, have a chat with my son, husband and sisters family. I also had grief counselling around the 6th month mark, helped to process the loss with a stranger.

Sorry for you loss and I hope you can get some help soon.

Years for me I'm afraid and I will never get over it but I cry less 7 years on.

How long is a pice of string? To me, it's like the tide, it comes and goes.

Sorry if that sounds fanciful.

OP, with the best will in the world. Mumsnet is not the place to get the support and guidance you need.

If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is REALLY important that you discuss them with someone who is properly qualified to help. Please contact your mental health professional, your doctor or a suicide prevention hotline in your locality.

You can use these links to find assistance in your area:
https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

And if it gets really bad, call 999 or 911 or whatever.

So well put!

I cried every day for months after my dad died, I was so unbearably sad. It's been 5 years now and I can think about him without crying.

My mum died 20 years ago and it did take me a few months to feel normal but I didn't cry every day. As a teenager you deal with emotions differently I think and I had a lot to distract me, plus it wasn't talked about.

Perhaps when my dad died I was finally letting out my emotions for my mum too.

I’m so sorry for your losses.

It’s been a few days after the first anniversary for me. I felt I had to have therapy and that helped me immensely. To be honest a large part was accepting their death as something that had to happen at the moment in a very strange way that made it easier to accept.

I doubt I’ll ever get over the loss but every day is a little more progress.

About a year for the overwhelming sadness. Then it came in random waves, triggered by random things I didn't expect.
Two years for feeling more human.
Three years on I only cry or feel overwhelmed on the anniversaries or when something happens where I need them.
I've never felt the same since and I'm a different person to what I was before but I'm okay now. Their loss changed me and I had to find a new me, a new balance.
Things generally get easier over time. How much time really depends. But you will get there.

Talking to them or writing a diary imagining everything I wanted to tell them made me realise that I didn't want to be telling them sad things all the time, they'd want me to carry on with my life and live it the best way I can. It helped me pick myself back up a bit at a time.

Please reach out for support when you feel this way. If you're in the UK then the Samaritans 116 123 even if you don't feel like you're going to harm yourself they're there to listen. You can text Shout 85258 if talking on the phone feels tricky. If you feel you might harm yourself contact emergency services or your local crisis team service which will be 24/7 although they might need to call you back.

For the record, thoughts of ending your life are obviously distressing and upsetting to experience but they don't always mean we WANT to die. Sometimes we just need to know there's a way out when we feel overwhelmed. Trying to keep a reminder or list of all the reasons why you wouldn't end your life or harm yourself and pinning it up by doorways so you see it as you walk about might be helpful.

I'm so sorry for your losses, @everypartofmehurts.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

I'm not sure if you're getting any support for your grief, but here are some options for you if you feel it would be helpful.

Sue Ryder offer online bereavement support, including an online community and online counselling. You can find out more on their website.

Cruse offer free grief counselling. You can search for Cruse in your area here.

Take good care OP 💐

I don't think there's any 'advice' that will fix it OP but I just wanted to lend support as I'm walking the same path and just feel bewildered a lot of the time that the person I most want isn't here. Some days it feels like I'm in the wrong reality and just want out (not of life as such, just the notion that I want to be with them, not here and that nothing here is worthwhile which is so daunting).

All I know is that it's normal, and that we aren't alone in grieving deeply. I'm nearly 18 months in and still not doing overly well. I woke up this morning from another dream that it was all a mistake and they were alive, then collapsed into a heap I've not yet recovered from when I woke up and remembered, but know I will feel good or even hopeful again on another day - it's very cyclical.

I've found a lot of comfort in grief specific forums and got fantastic support from Cruse Bereavement - you can call them anytime and speak to someone or self refer for grief counselling. I've done both and just unloading it onto a (so warm, and so lovely) stranger really propped me up when I most needed it.