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Original poster

I'd it because I'm a widow

31 replies

Preps · 10/06/2023 07:27

Or do people just see me as completely sexless/unattractive?

DH died 2 years ago. I've made huge efforts to keep going and "get out there" and have developed quite a busy social life.

I was at a 50th birthday last night. A man long divorced who makes no secret of the fact he'd rather not be single. He's an attractive, bright, funny, solvent man, seems to have plenty of female friends but hasn't been successful in relationships. After a few drinks, people were discussing various possibilities for him, single women who are mutual aquaintances, some were there, some weren't. It was all very light hearted, but it doesn't seem to occur to anyone that I could be a possibility. I'm not saying I want to particularly, but it would be nice if someone/anyone considered me as a possibility 😆

There's another man we know who really gets through women. As it happens I'm quite friendly with him on a platonic basis. Some of the women there last night were "warning" each other about him and what a lech he can be. He's never been in the least but lechy with me, which is good, but why not if he's like that with "all" women.

And another. I had a really good, intelligent, interesting conversation with a man about politics and history. We laughed and surprised each other with our common interests. Challenged each other's viewed without falling out! I'm sure he enjoyed the evening. I'm also sure he won't even consider me as a potential date.

I'm not desperate to date, I'm quite enjoying life, but I'm starting to think it would be nice if that was a possibility at some pont in the future.

So am I thoroughly unattractive, they see me as a friend and nothing more, or somehow my widowhood "protects" me from their advances?

I'm 2-3 years older than most of these men. I dont like to think that's the issue, it's nothing surely when you get to 50, but maybe the "possibilities" for them are all 5-10 years younger?

OP posts:

LizziesTwin · 10/06/2023 07:29

If they remember your husband maybe they’d feel disloyal. Is this an pre-existing social circle?

GoalShooter · 10/06/2023 07:36

Yes, I think you are treated differently in this respect as a widow than as a divorcee. People may assume you're not ready to date yet, or may worry that they would offend you in some way. Especially the middle one - the lech - he may feel that kind of behaviour isn't appropriate.

Re the third man - why don't you ask him out in a date and see what he says?

Chasingsquirrels · 10/06/2023 07:42

I'm not desperate to date, I'm quite enjoying life, but I'm starting to think it would be nice if that was a possibility at some pont in the future.

I suspect the vibes that this displays throw into it. If you are starting to think about the possibility then it is relatively recent to you, and therefore unlikely to be picked up by others yet.

I (widowed mid-40s) had a couple of friends suggest male friends of theirs after I started discussing the possibility of romantic relationships again.

THisbackwithavengeance · 10/06/2023 07:47

100% you are not unattractive.

But they will be unsure whether or not you are still grieving or ready to date particularly if you were a young widow. It could be seen as crass and insensitive.

And you can ramp that up another notch if they also knew your DH.

I think if you were to confide in a few friends that you might be looking into dating again, you would find yourself swamped with potential matches.

icebearforpresident · 10/06/2023 08:23

Have you ever mentioned being open to the possibility of meeting someone new? My dad died when he and my mum were mid-40’s and although she hadn’t ‘actively’ been looking to meet someone she was open to it after a few years. It wasn’t until she told people this that that all their single male friends started being mentioned, no one knew how to broach the subject with her so they just said nothing.

confessionstoday · 10/06/2023 08:27

From their point of view they don't know how the land lies. They don't know whether you are on that page yet.
Imagine how insensitive they would feel if they said something and you were not ready and upset you.
Perhaps you should make a joke of it or tell them that in the future you might like to date.

JenniferBarkley · 10/06/2023 09:06

Yes I think people don't want to upset you if you haven't mentioned being ready to date yet. Likely when you do mention it, they'll be very happy for you and supportive.

ThanksItHasPockets · 10/06/2023 09:11

I think they are almost certainly trying to be sensitive to your situation. You will need to give the cue that you are open to the possibility of a romantic relationship by starting to drop it into conversations with your wider circle.

Original poster

Preps · 10/06/2023 12:22

All very thought provoking, thank you

I wondered whether it's time to remove my wedding ring as a subtle signal, or maybe so subtle no one would notice?

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 10/06/2023 12:25

50 yr old men who are in the dating pool are generally looking at dating younger women according to other threads on here . I do think that your wedding ring may be sending out the signal that you are not looking for a new relationship.

NatureNurture85 · 10/06/2023 12:28

I think your wedding ring is the tell tale
sign here OP. It won’t be you; it’s just they’re being respectful.

FancyFran · 10/06/2023 12:29

OP it is not too soon if you are ready. Move the ring onto your right hand. I trust your late DH was lovely? and if he was he wouldn't want you to be lonely. You have another thirty years on this planet and if you fancy being out and about with a new man go get one! Watch out for fortune hunters and don't move them in.
Friends will notice the ring, just say I'd like some company (the jiggy bit is your business). Good luck.

WeAreTheHeroes · 10/06/2023 12:31

There was a TV series a good few years ago called, "Would Like to Meet", which advised different people each week on dating. One of those was a widow and she was advised that if she ready to date, but still wearing her wedding ring it was giving mixed messages. She put the ring on a necklace so she was still wearing it as a symbol of her memories of her late husband, but had no wedding ring on her hand.

Hillrunning · 10/06/2023 12:33

Unless they explicitly said, I would not assume or bring up in conversation, a widowed friends openness to dating after 2 years. Especially if they still wore thier wedding ring.

If you are open to it, chat to your closest friends about it. No one wants to upset a bereaved person.

Hillrunning · 10/06/2023 12:36

Also men really really notice wedding rings. I am married, often don't wear my ring. The difference in the way men treat me is so clear. Even the same men sometimes!

gogohmm · 10/06/2023 12:39

As a widow I think you need to indicate you are ready to date eg (even if a white lie) mention not liking online dating for instance, that shows you are "on the market" or you could of course invite them for a coffee!

Men, the good ones, would not want to assume a widow is fair game, they are being respectful - they sound like nice people

gogohmm · 10/06/2023 12:42

And yes, rings off or switched to the right hand. My friend had the stones from her ring removed and set into a pendant, selling the wedding ring and gold from the engagement ring to fund a lovely chain. She wears it to remember him, though not so much now she's in a long term relationship.

Setting · 10/06/2023 12:45

If you were my friend, unless you said you wanted to date/be considered I would absolutely not be saying anything about you dating oit of respect to you and you’re prévision relationship. I wouldn’t know if you were ready or never until you die, and either is an acceptable choice.

ThatFraggle · 10/06/2023 12:47

You're wearing your wedding ring.

That's a sign that you're not single.

Some people remain married to the memory of their spouse forever. It is not unheard of.

Maybe you are physically unattractive to them. Who knows. Some men are only interested in 'highly groomed' women with highlights, long hair, makeup, slim. Maybe you don't tick those boxes for them. It doesn't mean you have to change anything, just that you are not their cup of tea.

Also, maybe you have strong boundaries (a good thing) and you give off 'don't mess with me' energy (also good) which means that some people are less likely to banter with you about serious things.

E.g. when they are tossing about names of potential partners, you, with a ring on and known for being 'serious', they won't banter, 'what about Jill!' because they take your ring as not being single, and they don't want to joke about it.

If you do actually feel ready to date, have a phone call with the most gossipy of your friends. Say 'its been a year/5 years/however long. I'm taking off my wedding ring and getting back to dating.'

CuteCillian · 10/06/2023 13:10

My friend, widowed at 48, found similar. Because she makes no secret of the fact she had a happy marriage, single and divorced men felt they may not compare I think.
She has found a partner via a dating site for people in her situation, it's called something like 'widowed young'. Her and her new partner can share memories of their first, happy marriages without any issues.

SomeonTookMyAnonymousUserName · 10/06/2023 13:28

It's definitely the wedding ring in my opinion. The fact that you still wear your rings tells other that you still consider yourself to be married. They are being respectful of that

Original poster

Preps · 10/06/2023 13:58

OK, the 2nd anniversary is only a few days away. I think I'll mark the occasion by taking the ring off and see what happens.

OP posts:

ChocChipHandbag · 10/06/2023 14:15

I'm not clear, did you tell any of them that you were widowed? Or did they possibly think that the ring signified you were together with a husband who just happened not to be at the party?

Original poster

Preps · 10/06/2023 14:18

ChocChipHandbag · 10/06/2023 14:15

I'm not clear, did you tell any of them that you were widowed? Or did they possibly think that the ring signified you were together with a husband who just happened not to be at the party?

They all know me well enough to know my story. They'd all met DH, one knew him quite well.

OP posts:

ChocChipHandbag · 10/06/2023 14:24

Ah OK. The one who knew your late husband well is a non-starter. The others who previously knew you as part of a couple probably would think it odd to see you in a different way. It's not like when we are young and relationships break up and people glut between "available" and "unavailable" quite a lot.

Also, to be honest, they may feel that dating a widow is too "heavy" for them. You are more likely to have success with a man who has lots a wife or partner himself. My Mum was widowed at 51 and her next partner had also lost his wife age 50. Part of their bond was this shared experience.

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