I am not ok

[MoonInTheNight]

Just needed to tell someone.
I'm really not ok.
I can't explain to anyone irl because I'll either scare them shitless and they're helpless to do anything, or they won't care to do anything, or I have to be chirpy to avoid scaring them off and try to have some semblance of social life. (All different people, not just vague worries.)
But I am really not ok. Been crying for the best part of a week now. With intermittent keeping the normal cheery face on.
I have no idea how to continue with my life.
Want to shout from the rooftops I'M NOT OK but can't, so writing it here.

I needed this thread, thanks OP. I’m not ok either. I’m on extreme sleep deprivation from my one year old (average 5 wake ups a night) but he has a developmental delay and we are just starting investigations for it next week and I’m bricking myself but everyone else just underplays it because they can’t face the idea something might be wrong. So I feel very alone with it all. DH continues to disgrace himself with zero overnight support (I’ve been back at work for months), being an arse about stuff, downplaying issues etc. think he is depressed but of course he won’t see it. Just has a cry when he wants me to take the kids away so he can have a weekend alone.

sorry for the rant on your thread OP! Are you feeling a bit better this evening? Sometimes weekends are the hardest. Xx

I am not OK either. Much love to all the other Not OK'ers . I hope, one day, we will be OK.

I’m not ok either. To the outside world you’d think I had a great life but in reality I hate it and myself.

Sad to see there's so many of us (and I'm sure this is the tip of the iceberg) but maybe we can support each other a bit?

gosh, I feel it too. I would like to just not exist but don’t want to upset my loved ones. If I could just be erased from life and history.

I am also not ok. Sending hugs to everyone else feeling this way.

This sums it up perfectly for me

@MoonInTheNight I relate so much to what you said about finding healing in a relationship and moving from surviving to thriving.
I’ve been in exactly that same situation and also with someone I loved very much who also ran away. I then had an awful
experience with work stress which until recently left me absolutely shattered.
I was barely surviving but thanks to some good advice and a lot of self help books and podcasts I realised recently that there are little glimmers of that thriving poking through again, which is a first. No idea if they’ll sprout into full on thriving but that absolute flatness & being dead to joy or wonder or hope is lifting a little.

I've felt this way my entire adult life and it's more of a background thing now than something i fight against. It's one of the reasons I don't have kids - making someone else exist seems a bit of a crap thing to do (sorry, mum).

I think what helps me is to remember that nothing really matters and that's actually a good thing. Don't feel inadequate, don't feel guilty, don't worry about treating yourself. Your only purpose is to experience and interact and learn in your time on this earth and nothing (not the worst thing, not the best thing, not existing at all) is forever or even for very long.

A few years ago I thought I was pretty unusual but recently I've noticed a lot of people just melting down. Maybe we're all feeling worse or maybe people just talk about it more.

Please share your stories here, it will be good to get it out to people who relate. They don't have to be rational or fully detailed just share what you are feeling and why you might be that way. I know sometimes there is no reason and that's OK too.