Having a baby has made me appreciate my mum so much more

[NoPicklesplease]

Did anyone else have this?

I gave birth to my first 4 months ago and since then it’s made me appreciate my mum so much more, it’s also made me feel so guilty for all the shit I put her through as a teen, for how moody I was as a 10 year old, all in all I was not expecting this side of motherhood.

Holding DD and feeling such indescribable love made me think ‘oh shit, that’s how my mum feels about me’ and although it’s lovely having this new appreciation I wasn’t expecting the guilty feelings along side it.

For DH having DD has done the opposite and finally made him realise how shit his parents were, they were abusive and neglectful growing up, but since having DD and feeling such a strong love for her, it’s given him the push to go NC with his parents.

Really? I felt the complete opposite. I could not believe how apathetic my mother was, more interested in her own life than mine, I was never first (along with my siblings) where I/ we should have been.

Same. All my mother cared about was her boyfriend of the week. My most persistent memory of being little is her sleeping on the sofa and then waking up and raging at me because I woke her up. As soon as my sister was born she favoured her and completely ignored me. Thank God for my grandmother who looked after me.

Ah that’s a shame, I wonder whether people on MN overindex on poor family relations, as there seems to be a theme in the replies so far.

I’m the same OP - having DC was an absolutely eye-opener.

Sadly, my lovely Mum passed away 6 years before I become a Mum myself, so I was never able to thank her - and apologise to her! Although I do think she got off pretty lightly in the horror teen stakes!

But yes, I appreciate her so much more.

I couldn't agree more OP ❤️

My LO is 8 months old and I am in awe of my parents.

Me too.. I also felt opposite

I was the complete opposite, it highlighted to me how much my own mother probably shouldn’t have had kids. It highlighted the lack of emotional needs I had met as a child.

It just made me upset and in a therpy session I blurted out why am I not good enough for my mum, why doesn’t she love me.

I remember saying to my mum 'did you love me this much, I had no idea?'
And she said 'of course, and I still do'

It was an eye opener OP i know exactly what you mean.

Exactly the same here! I remember crying one day when DD was 2 weeks because I loved her so much and I blubbed to my mum ‘did you love me so much you cried’ and she replied ‘I still do cry about how much love I have for you’

I’m so glad to have had DD as I don’t think I’d have ever had this level of appreciation for my mum otherwise, which sounds really mean but I think it’s one of those things you need to feel, not just know

It does make you view your mum differently.

Sometimes when I look at my children and think about how much I love them I wonder if that's how my mum felt about me.

On the other hand there are things that my mum has done/said to me that I think I would never do or say to mine.

I feel bad for the way my teen years went with my mum. We didn't get on and now that my own are teenagers I feel so grateful of how we are together. My relationship with my girls is almost Disney-like in comparison!

My mum and I would have screaming rows and tell each other we hated each other. My girls have never told me that they hate me. I used to storm out of the house to go to school many days, which would cause a bad feeling for the rest of the day. With my DDs we always hug goodbye and tell each other to have good days and I love yous.

A bit of both.
I'm a Gen Xer so society was very different in its approach to parenting.
But I realise now how the anxiety of being my parent made Mum's own mental health so much worse. And I realise how hard she worked and how she put everyone's needs before her own - to the detriment her own health.
She died 7 years ago and I miss her every day.

I'm the same as your DH. Went NC with family last year when DC2 was born. Very liberating. The more I read about parenting, the more I realise how my parents fell short.

I agree with you OP. I became a mum 17 years ago and that feeling of awed appreciation of my own mum still hasn't left.

Becoming a parent made me realise how my parents fell woefully short. I'm NC with them now.

Same. My mum is great. I thought she was old-fashioned and unreasonable, and used to get annoyed at the way she always used to ask if I had eaten or safe or whatever.

Now I realise it was just immense love.

Yeah my mum was like that. Mum also failed to protect me from her love interests/male friends. Having my baby made me realise she's really not a safe person to leave children with because she's fucking stupid when it comes to men. She still hangs out with a bloke she knows tried to have sex with me when I was a teenager.

The feeling of protection I have for my baby has made me consider NC. I've also written into my will that she can't have any custody over him in the event of my demise, unbeknownst to her.

Ugh am sorry some of you had such terrible mums.

For me I think it highlighted the issues with mine and my DM's relationship. I think I had an insecure attachment. And it's helped me model different behaviours to my own child to make sure she is securely attached. I don't think my DM is a bad person. But I was the youngest of three, DM and DF had a bad marriage, poor MH etc. there just wasn't enough attention or focus given to me as the last of three. DM was a SAHM and didn't really spend time doing things with me, I often felt quite alone and have always been very independent and struggled to trust. I can see why it was like that, but yeah, especially as I have an only child it's helped me be a better parent with that insight I think.

I felt exactly the same OP. I never fully appreciated how much my mum loved me until I loved my DD

Same :( My mum was a terrible mother to my brother, terrible mother to me, then the moron went on to have a 3rd which has been equally traumatised :( I've had to go on parenting courses to make sure I do not repeat the vicious cycle.

My grandparents primarily brought me up. I was amazed that when I found myself struggling with my new baby that my Nana's love and patience that came shining through and felt like it took over me so I could be patient and loving even when I felt stressed and anxious. My mum had always minimised and belittled my Nana for having been a SAHM but it was only once I had my babies that I realised just what an amazing thing she'd done. She'd actually passed on a sort of genetic memory of how to love and care for babies, presumably that had also come from my grandmother and great grandmother too as she always talked fondly of them. Even now my eldest is reaching her teens I draw on my Nana's patience and unconditional love when I'm not sure how to react and try to think "what would Nana do". It has made me both more empathic and more distant from my actual mum who never bonded with me and has only met my children a couple of times.

A lovely post OP about you and your mum (not so much your DH of course).

I was the classic “saw how awful my mother was as a mother”. In fact it was so bad I had to have therapy. I went without basics to pay for
the therapy.

Becoming a parent definitely does make you evaluate your parents.

I think it made me really appreciate my parents telling me they loved me more than I loved them (and everything else obvs)
Because I can't get over how much I love my boys. I'd literally do anything for these little monsters and my parents would tell us the same

Same OP. It really is an indescribable feeling. I also often weep with joy that DD is here and how much I love her too. I appreciate all that my DM did raising us now.