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Original poster

How often does your DH see their parents alone?

48 replies

Lionspots · 06/06/2023 17:31

Assuming your DH/DP lives with you and has a good relationship with his parents, how often does he visit them alone?
Does it bother you?
Only a general question as MIL is struggling to accept DH being married and having his own ‘grown up’ life without her. She demands he goes ‘home’ at least twice a week for tea despite me being unwell with pre eclampsia and needing his support at the moment. He wants an easy life to avoid upsetting her, so he agreed to one visit a week, but I feel unreasonable in thinking he should be home with me until our baby is born as an emergency can happen at any point if my BP becomes uncontrollable. She lives an hour away. I want to discuss it with him about going forward and how he will handle this when we have a baby so I’m curious how this works with your families if your DH visits parents without you.

OP posts:
UsernameTaken76 · 06/06/2023 17:38

Occasionally DH will pop up round his parents but tends be if he is running an errand such as borrowing their carpet cleaner. We get on with each others parents so tend to go together rather than alone.

He does speak to his parents on the phone usually once a week or so to see how they are.

CatsOnTheChair · 06/06/2023 17:39

When he is in their city for work.
Maybe twice in the last 6 months. Probably not for the 3 years before that.
He does take just the kids occasionally.

DanceMonster · 06/06/2023 17:39

Never, mainly because they live abroad and we always visit as a family (or they visit us). Although having said that he’ll often go out for a drink with his dad on their own when we’re staying with them, which is nice for them I think.

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redskylight · 06/06/2023 17:40

About half the visits DH goes on his own - generally because he's helping his mum with something.

I suspect you'll find that your MIL is quite keen to see the baby, so the solo visits might peter out once its born anyway.

Dontlistitonfacebook · 06/06/2023 17:41

Yes, every fortnight.

WimpoleHat · 06/06/2023 17:41

She demands he goes ‘home’ at least twice a week for tea

This is a ridiculous request of a married man with a child on the way!

Daffodilmorning · 06/06/2023 17:42

Not often. Occasionally if work takes him nearby but they live a couple of hours away. Are you invited to these weekly dinners?

bibbityboppityboo · 06/06/2023 17:42

Twice a week for tea an hour away?! Jesus those are some long apron strings 😂

He's a married man with a baby on the way, she'll be in for a shock when he's needed at home with his family!

We're about 15 minutes away - he pops in for a cup of tea maybe every other week alone. If he sees them at the weekends it's normally both of us just because we're often together!

shivawn · 06/06/2023 17:42

My MIL lives an hour away from us, she loves to see her grandchild so my husband usually visits her every other weekend and she comes to our house on the alternate weekends. I join when I can but I work a lot of weekends so he often goes by himself with our toddler.

Patchw0rk · 06/06/2023 17:44

Sure this will stop when the baby is born and she wants to see them! Annoying though, once a week wouldn't bother me but I'd go too so I didn't have to cook

Sanch1 · 06/06/2023 17:45

Sounds bonkers even if you were pregnant with pre eclampsia! My DH might see his parents alone if he's WFH and they pop by, or if they need help with some DIY or similar, other than that we go as a couple/family. We are only a 10 minute walk from them, so we may see them once a week.

EileenAdler · 06/06/2023 17:46

Dontlistitonfacebook · 06/06/2023 17:41

Yes, every fortnight.

Same here altho I see my parents at least twice a week !!!!.

Missymarple · 06/06/2023 17:48

That's madness, I live an hour away from my mum and we visit her together once a fortnight. No way would she ever expect me to go to hers twice a week!

bunhead1979 · 06/06/2023 17:49

We don't have parents around anymore but when we did we saw them generally on our own, I much preferred seeing my dad one to one. That said he lived nearby and I'd not see him that much, maybe once a fortnight, sometimes just for a quick coffee.

Original poster
Lionspots · 06/06/2023 17:51

I’m glad it’s not just me thinking it’s a crazy request. DH was a huge mummy’s boy before we met so it’s taken a lot of effort on my part to help him see it’s okay to grow up and have a separate life. I’m not invited along no, I do see her maybe one weekend a month and we have a good relationship but she says she misses him and wants to spend time alone. I am hoping this changes when the baby comes or that we are invited as a family because it doesn’t exactly make me feel welcome knowing I am not invited!

OP posts:
mambojambodothetango · 06/06/2023 17:56

Does your DH want to go? Would he rather be there than at his actual home with his wife? If the answer is no then he needs to say that he'd love to come and see them once a fortnight at the most. Why aren't you invited? It's weird that it's just him and even weirder that it's referred to as 'home'. Does he call their house 'home' too? If he's complicit in all this weirdness I think you need to explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he's not OK with it, he needs to tell his parents that.

TheseThree · 06/06/2023 17:57

Never mind a baby on the way, he needs to get some big boy pants on.

My ex’s parents were an hour away and he rarely went up without me. Occasionally I took our daughter up without him if he was working though too. My family loves closer so it was more common for me to see them without him. My current husband’s family lives three hours away. I could count on one hand the number of times he’s been without me, and name the specific circumstance that caused it. It was rare for him to go alone even when we were dating once things became serious.

He needs to tell her to come around if she wants to have tea with him that often. He needs to remind her that he has a pregnant wife needing rest and needs to be present for you. Frankly, if you weren’t pregnant and she wanted him over for tea, he would be right to tell her “Lionspots and I will be there.” Tell him to cut the apron strings and stop letting her pretend he doesn’t have a wife.

VariationsonaTheme · 06/06/2023 18:00

A couple of times a year. Twice a week, an hour away, isn’t reasonable. But your issue is with your Dh, not your mil.

TheChosenTwo · 06/06/2023 18:05

She lives about a mile away and he’s self employed, he usually drops in for a cuppa with her about once a week.
She’s absolutely lovely and I also drop in probably once a week to say hello too, she always has cake 😂
once every other month or so we have them to Sunday lunch and the month inbetween they invite us. She has 2 other dc living closer by and they do Sunday lunches together also and visit her regularly too. We are all a really close family.

Original poster
Lionspots · 06/06/2023 18:08

It seems like everyone has nice normal boundaries!
He does want to see her although he complains about it occasionally, and if he doesn’t go one week she makes a fuss so for a quiet life he goes. He doesn’t call her house home but she refers to it as his home. I do find it odd but I’ve never had a close relationship with my mum so it’s hard to see what’s normal and what’s extreme!

OP posts:
cherrypied · 06/06/2023 18:09

Never unless he has too. They are lovely he is just antisocial.

We were supposed to go out with them for dinner on Saturday but I was unwell. Instead of just him going he stayed at home Confused

I fact I see more of them alone than he does!

LBOCS2 · 06/06/2023 18:12

I'm not sure he does really. He sometimes takes the DC up to see her if I'm otherwise occupied at the weekends, or he will go with one of his siblings and his mum to an event, either a family thing or a concert or show, but I can't think of the last time it was just him and his mum. She comes down to for dinner every second Friday and we go away with them for a week each year, and I think we all (including her!) feel that's plenty!

TUCKINGFYP0 · 06/06/2023 18:15

If he spends one night a week seeing his mum ( alone ) while you look after baby , then he needs to spend the same amount of time looking after baby while you go out for the evening.

Start the way you mean to go on once baby is born - you need child free time as much as he does.

Also don’t let your MIL come to your house to see baby when your partner isn’t there . It’s his job to entertain her, that’s not what your maternity leave is for.

Again you need to be careful on this one right from the start, once you let it happen a few times it will become an issue when you want to stop it. I suspect he is setting you up to be the “ difficult “ one if you won’t do what his mother wants.

OutNowKitty · 06/06/2023 18:16

This does depend on distance though surely. My BIL sees his Mum probably once a week but then they all live within about 10 minutes of each other (big Catholic family) so pop in for a quick cup of tea and catch up rather than a dinner and staying for hours. My sister also sees her MIL on her own too, they all have a lovely relationship.

Dh has never done this but we have lived over 3 hours away and now an hour away but at rush hour that would take 90 minutes minimum. I think it would have been different if they were round the corner.

Do you see your parents often or not? Because again my parents also lived within 10 minutes of my sister so saw each other a lot. Sadly for both me and Dh our Mums are now dead but I speak to my FIL far more than my Dh does Grin

I think with you worrying maybe he should stop for a little while. But you need a conversation about how this is going to work going forward. Remember, you too will be a Mum and I am sure you would want a relationship with your son when he is an adult too.

newtowelsplease · 06/06/2023 18:19

God I would love it if he went to see them without me!