How often does your DH see their parents alone?

[Lionspots]

Assuming your DH/DP lives with you and has a good relationship with his parents, how often does he visit them alone?
Does it bother you?
Only a general question as MIL is struggling to accept DH being married and having his own ‘grown up’ life without her. She demands he goes ‘home’ at least twice a week for tea despite me being unwell with pre eclampsia and needing his support at the moment. He wants an easy life to avoid upsetting her, so he agreed to one visit a week, but I feel unreasonable in thinking he should be home with me until our baby is born as an emergency can happen at any point if my BP becomes uncontrollable. She lives an hour away. I want to discuss it with him about going forward and how he will handle this when we have a baby so I’m curious how this works with your families if your DH visits parents without you.

When we were young and I was pregnant, with young DC, never. We saw them lots, at least weekly but as a family or at the very least he went with the DC whilst I did something else.
Now we are older and the DC have left home for uni etc and PIL are older he will pop in on his way home from work sometimes or pop and see them on a weekend. I visit my DP weekly for similar reasons, DH does not come with me unless it is a social occassion and anyway I try to go when he is doing something else.

Maybe once every 6 weeks? (also live an hour away). Either by himself or with the DC. And then I'll go for birthdays/family BBQs/if we're calling in our way past etc.

I do think it's nice for them to get some time alone as it can change the dynamic when I/the other inlaws are there. But twice weekly is way too much for them to ask, it's like you're sharing custody of him!

Your MIL is being ridiculous and your DH needs to tell her so.

We live about 3 hours away from DPs family and 5/6 from mine. He probably goes to see them 6 or so times a year, I’ll go with him once. I go home 3 times a year, he’ll come once

"Also don’t let your MIL come to your house to see baby when your partner isn’t there ."
That's just awful.

I think any routine is deadly in these situations. My in-laws used to expect us to have dinner with them every Sunday. I didn't like it, but I sucked it up for ages. When we had our first dc, I told my dh I wasn't doing it any more and he agreed. I don't think they were happy, but a newborn provided the perfect excuse and once we were out the routine, we've been careful not to get sucked into another one. The problem with a routine like once a week is, it becomes an expectation and there is always a guilt trip given if that expectation isn't met.

Speak to your dh. I'd use having a baby as an opportunity to break the routine. It's nothing personal against your mil, it's just driving an hour away and back once a week to see her isn't compatible with having a baby, especially during the early weeks and months. Suggest he FaceTime instead or ring her for a chat. Your family unit takes precedent now and all other family (parents / siblings) are secondary. That's exactly how it should be and it's a shame his mother isn't more supportive of that.

Never.

I wouldn’t be bothered if he did visit, but she’d rather see the grandkids more than him by himself.

Prob about once per week, maybe twice! I'm sometimes there. I see my parents twice a week on average sometimes less. We speak our parents nearly every day.
Once per week isn't a lot in my opinion.
Going out when your not feeling well an hour away when your close to the end of pregnancy is too far for me

Usually once a week in the evening, after he’s been to play football he calls in on them. No particular reason why it’s that particular day/ time, think just a habit they’ve got into - he goes for a few sandwiches and a cuppa and they usually want help with a few things so he will do those. It’s not set in stone or anything though.

We usually see them at least once a week as a family too, though again there’s no set expectation. Any time he’s left on his own with DD for the day/ weekend though he seems to find his way there too.

I don’t know - my instinct is that his mum is being weird and demanding, and that it’s a bit of an ‘ick’ for a man somehow. But then I think, if my mum was still here, I absolutely would expect to see her without DH in tow at least fairly regularly, so it’s possibly a double standard of mine. Though my mum wouldn’t have demanded it (and neither would MIL), so that’s the difference.

This thread has actually made me a little sad.

I'm a mum to two young men, 18 and 21.

They both have long term girlfriends and I'm hoping I get as much of a chunk of time with them as their partners parents do (albeit maybe not current partners) as they are still both so young.

So does it mean that because I had a son, I'm not going to get the same rights to visits from their family and should they have children, visits from the family/ grandchildren.

I'm married and my Dh has a brother who is also married, we all had two boys each so it's all very male oriented. I actively encourage him to visit his parents and call his mum as that's how I would like to be treated. I am close to my mum but see her and my MIL as equal in terms of time and attention, who shouldn't we?

For the record, I'm totally cool with coming second and promote independence with my boys and I'm not so deluded to think I'll come first before their partners parents but it saddens me that we live in such a 'let's hate on the mother in law' world.

I know some MIL's are batshit crazy, but then so are any other humans, we as a society aren't helping the situation with this crazy MIL hatred.

Please excuse the typo's!

When he wants something. Maybe once a month maybe one every 4 months.

She calls in at ours basically whenever she wants, we do have gatherings at theirs maybe every couple of months but obviously that’s not just mummy daddy son time 😅

Really ? I think it’s reasonable. Unless the Dh takes leave when his wife is at work to entertain his MIL.

If he does that of course the Op might consider doing the same.

I see his parents more than he does!

DH works away though, so they like coming round to see the kids or to help with anything (they live about an hour away). His father likes watching their sports too, so will make a special journey just for a game or a lesson.

How long have you been married? And is she on her own? It can take time to adjust. Twice a week for tea an hour away js a little odd though, especially with a pregnant wife. I hope the dynamic works ok when baby arrives - I remember the feeling of sleep deprived despair after a long, terrible day. waiting for hubby to come home to help with the baby and him going to the pub on the way home. Maybe worth some conversations first!
In terms of seeing his parents, we've realised over time that particularly his dad has no interest in me or the kids, so realistically, it suits us all for him to see him alone (his mum is brow beaten and has no opinions or chance to speak unless offering refreshments). It's very much a duty rather than a pleasure though.
Can you invite MiL to you?

Almost never. They're divorced and live at opposite ends of the country. He will occasionally - no more than once a year - see his dad for dinner in London, and he went to stay with his mum for a few days on his own when she was recovering from illness. Otherwise, we see them 4-6 times a year, as a family.

We've been married 13 years with a 16 and 11 year old. DH visits his parents alone once in the rarest of blue moons. We all get on well and we see them once or twice a week for about 3 hours a time.

My in-laws live round the corner - DH sees them 3-4 times a week and so do I, but not for long. We never go for meals or anything.

My in laws live an hour and a half away. They insist on DH making the 3 hour round trip to go for dinner once a week during the week (despite him working full time) and also want him to go there with our daughter or them come to us at least every other weekend. He will often see them alone because I’ve frankly had enough of their nonsense (there’s more to it than the above but that wasn’t the question!)

Never. They live 4 hrs away so we all go down to see them every few months.

My parents live close by so I pop in to see them regularly on my own

My MiL is 150 miles away and she gets on really well with me and as she lives by the seaside in the summer holidays we sometimes go up for a weekend but then DH goes back home for work and me and DS will stay on for another week so actually I see her more often than her DS. He always jokes that she likes me more than him. She doesn't have a daughter and I've lost my own Mum so we've gotten closer over the last 9 years since my Mum died.

Partner's long-divorced parents each live a few miles away and although they are both in their early 80s they are still fairly fit, busy and active. One has a partner and is visited less often than the other who lives alone and who has more phone and text contact in between times, but roughly, once every few weeks is considered reasonable. But then additional visits may get added in where useful or desired, as negotiated by both parties, perhaps to help out or have a meal or watch an event such as the Coronation together or go out somewhere specific.

Neither needs help with their shopping at the moment and both use online deliveries and are fairly tech savvy more generally and able to afford and obtain their own workers for gardening, maintenance etc.; there is another sibling in the vicinity giving a similar amount of visits and attention though, and that makes a difference.

I suspect this will all change as their lifestyles and needs change through their 80s and beyond. We'll see.

It does depend on a lot of different factors and the lifestyles and personalities involved, but your MIL may be being unreasonable in her demands, yes.

Never? I spend more time alone with them cos I take the kids round when he is working! Or we all go together.

Your set up seems really weird to me. Is there a FIL? Or does your dh fill that role for her?