How to answer baby group questions tactfully?

[Moreismores]

DD is 4 months and she is our first baby. Since she was 4 weeks old we have attended various classes and groups and developed a really strong and varied network of ‘mum friends’

The issue I am currently facing is that out of all the various groups and friendship circles DD seems to be the ‘best’ in terms of sleep, development - you name it. It’s becoming awkward when people ask ‘oh so how much sleep did you get last night’ after moaning they got 1.5 hours, I obviously don’t want to reply honestly with ‘12 hours’ but also don’t want to lie.

same happens when discussing our birthing journeys, they all regale everyone with how they nearly died, lost loads of blood, emergency operations, 4th degree tears, it’s then awkward when it comes to me to share and my elective section was perfect, I was fully healed in a week and honestly it was the best decision I think I could have made.

Its making me dread meeting up, as it’s hard to navigate being open, honest and vulnerable with also not wanting to seem like I’m gloating or showing off. I need these meet ups as I get so lonely but I hate navigating the questions, at first a ‘oh she was ok last night’ would suffice but now we are all closer and more open people probe more, sometimes for advice, but I often feel uncomfortable being honest when you clearly have an ‘easier’ time of it than everyone else around you.

Does anyone have any advice in terms of how to navigate this?

It doesn’t sound like you’re gloating. I had a great sleeper and great birth and people weren’t bothered. It’s more of conversation starter.

I would just say something like "I'm lucky, she's a good sleeper at the moment, I'm sure my time will come!"

I say this as someone who's first child never slept!

I don't get this? Just be honest I have friends who had easy labours literally barely made it to the hospital then I have friends who gave up breastfeeding as they found it too hard but for me it was super easy and I breastfed all 4 of mine with no issues. No one has ever seen it as gloating and I don't get upset that friends had easy labours??

My first was a great sleeper and I never knew what to say either. I was rewarded by a non-sleeper second time around though so your day may yet come 😂

I think it’s worth remembering it’s not a competition, I used to think people were having digs about DD’s great appetite when they said ‘wow she’s a great eater’ but actually now with a very picky low weight baby who does not eat well I can see that people genuinely meant it as a nice comment. Equally when friends told me that their baby was sleeping well when I was in the depths of despair with DS I genuinely was very happy for them that they were getting sleep. Jealous, yes, but genuinely happy for them!

I think I generally went with ‘it’s ok at the moment - but god you poor thing that sounds really rough’. People say this stuff because it’s a chance to offload, they’re generally being polite in asking about your experience and if you don’t make a big deal of it then most will a) get the subtlety that you’re having a good time but don’t want to rub it in and b) be happy to have the option to have a bit of a winge.

If you must, find something that you find mildly irritating about your precious baby and then ham it up so you have something to complain about too 😂

I had that too OP - my DD was a decent sleeper after the first couple of months, and felt fine despite having what some people would consider a difficult birth (needed an epidural and ended up with forceps). It does feel awkward when everyone else is complaining, though it’s a nice problem to have.

In my case, DD only ever had short naps (30 minutes) and that age, so I could talk about being concerned this wasn’t enough/ how could I get her to nap more and gloss over the decent sleep I was getting overnight. Could you do something similar?

It's not a competition. Steer clear of any women who see it as one...!

You're overthinking it mate

I think that’s a little unfair. Our process as humans is to bond over shared experiences, I didn’t get that she was bragging or smug, she’s just wondering how to approach this stuff tactically when people may be going through a hard time. There’s nothing wrong with asking how to navigate a potentially emotive topic, especially with fairly new friends.

Honestly just say 'I was lucky with my section, I had no complications and healed quickly' and re the sleeping, I've had two great sleepers and honestly most people just joke about how lucky I am, I've never had anyone react negatively. Also, even great sleepers have periods where they don't sleep so well and it's a shock to the system when they do lol! So saying something like 'she's doing great with sleep right now, I just hope it stays that way!' Is truthful, but light hearted. No one would take it as a boast, even if they feel a niggle of envy!

And I was just reflecting that her perception of what other people are thinking may not be accurate.

This thread reminds me of the Pam Ayres poem 😂

My baby's eyes are bluer than yours,
He's got more teeth and he's bigger,
He's ever so bright
And he sleeps through the night
And of our two, I'd say mine is bigger.
I swear it's the truth
Mine's cutting a tooth
And he's obviously going to be tall.
No, it's hard to explain,
Now I've looked at your Wayne,
Why you bothered to have one at all.

OP, you are overthinking it. Just join in the chat, no one is going to have a view one way or the other (unless you actually tell them your DD is "the best"😂).
I think other people's babies always seem less advanced than your own because you're more in tune with your own baby.

Ok honestly she’s only 4 months so her sleep could go to pot at any moment! You have no idea whose baby will be easier at any time in the future for any reason. Just be honest. “At the moment she’s sleeping well, out all night so we’re really lucky!” Don’t worry about seeming like you’re gloating, honestly nobody will think that.

I can’t speak to what your motives were, but I think it was an unnecessary tone with a newish mum (‘your baby is a bog standard baby’) if you were genuinely trying to introduce another perspective.

In any event there was no reason to add that ‘people may be pitying you’ about a CS, and I say that as someone who had one dream birth and one pretty horrendous one. Frankly all I care about re the birth when someone I know has recently had a baby is ‘is she happy with how the delivery went?’. It wouldn’t occurs to me to pity people for their method of birthing, and I don’t think most non-bitchy people do either.

All babies are different, and parents find different things hard. Your 4 month old may be a great sleeper now, but she may hit a regression and then become terrible. Or she may always be a good sleeper but other babies will eat a bigger range of food/walk earlier/talk earlier/get potty trained earlier/insert anything else here.

Most sensible parents know it isn't a competition so as long as you're honest and empathetic when they're struggling then you absolutely don't need to overthink this. DD1 was a terrible sleeper but was talking before all of her friends, DD2 was a great sleeper but took ages to potty train. Your turn to struggle will come, and I mean that nicely not as a dig! Just be honest and say "she's actually sleeping really well at the moment but I'm sure that could change at any point! Poor you, being up all night must be absolutely exhausting."

I love that poem 😂

I actually disagree re comparing your baby always comes out as advanced. Yes there’s PFB to be had but when I was struggling with PND with my second I was convinced he was smaller/slower/less advanced than other babies because I was spending so much time worrying about him and comparing him rather than enjoying him and knowing babies all run at their own rates. I think that seeing other babies can amplify your own feelings about them, for sure (and for what it’s worth your own feelings about your parenting/mothering abilities, which is what PND really comes down to I think) but feeling like your baby is better than your friend’s - well I’d call that a pretty normal well-developed maternal bond, wouldn’t you? I’ve had the alternative and it’s not nice.

Sorry that was to @FrankieAurora.

Sorry OP I’m stuck on a non-moving train, I’ll bore off out of your thread now 😂

Just be honest with them without gloating. Answering a directly asked question isn't usually boasting. As long as you're not walking around telling everyone uninvited how your baby is the "best" at everything I'm sure it will be fine.

I would work on trying to reframe it to yourself - sleeping through at 4 months isn't "best", sitting up, cutting teeth whatever early isn't a sign your baby is going to graduate from Harvard. It's easy to fixate on these things but honestly they are likely all within the bounds of normal behaviour and development.

There's probably something that will have been niggling at you - how involved in-laws are is typical or sorting childcare or returning to work - if you want to reciprocate the worries or concerns then bring something like this up.

I think you need to bite the bullet and be honest, in order for the friendships to progress. Just keep empathising when they moan and own it all to luck. If you're not patronising or going down the "we did x,y,z and that's why my sleeps and yours doesn't " route , most people will just accept it and move on. I say this a someone who had an awful birth and a baby that didn't eat,sleep and later didn't talk. I didn't mind lucky mums, it's only the preachy "I'm doing this so much better than you" that bugged the crap out of me .

You don’t sound gloaty at all but I know what you mean. Sensitive time as well. From memory the horrific birth stories are quite competitive; mine was far from ideal but I learned a LOT about how much worse things could have been. Agree with saying something like ‘I am afraid to talk about sleep cos she’s a good sleeper rn but I’ve heard that they go through phases’ (which also has the benefit of being true). A lot of it is just down to the baby, isn’t it?

If you feel like you need something ‘true’ but not overwhelmingly positive to say, you could find something mildly comedic about motherhood that’s somewhat doing your head in? I didn’t have major worries with sleep or whatever but used to avoid bathing my son cos he went mental every single time. It wasn’t earth shattering (we just didn’t do it very often) but I do remember spending £30 buying a baby bucket you could dunk em in. Didn’t work😂

It's just conversation. Yours has been easy. Theirs has been blood curdling. It's fine to have different experiences.

I had easy babies but horrendous births.

Just be honest. DS seemed so ‘behind’ (always been on the slow side for gross motor development) and was the grumpiest, none sleeper of a 4 month old going and I had a pretty traumatic birth. I had no issue with mums I met saying they were lucky and their babies were easy to manage or they had good births. I would have been a bit of a jealous dick if I resented them for that! The only ones I found annoying were the parents who thought their 4 month old’s balanced temperament or sleeping ability was due to their superior parenting or they fact they were so relaxed and I’ve subsequently revelled in the fact my toddler is much quicker and easier than theirs. Don’t be that person and you’ll be fine. Anyone who takes issue with you being honest is in the wrong, not you.

Be honest, but acknowledge that this is all good luck on your part. There's no guarantee that you won't be in the same position as the others with your next baby.

Surely it can't be beyond your wit to realise that there are people like that, there is ample evidence on this site of people judging new parents for all sorts of things. I wasn't writing from a personal perspective (bog standard baby aside)

I would be honest but perhaps joke that you know it won't last so you're taking it while you can