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Original poster

Need a handhold - unexpected death of a colleague

32 replies

mangoamango · 05/06/2023 22:14

Posting in chat for traffic. Sorry in advance if this is upsetting to anyone. I don't really know why I'm posting, I just need to get this off my chest I think.

I found out this afternoon that a colleague of mine was killed in a mountaineering accident last week. We didn't work directly together (based in completely different cities) but we were fairly close as i was mentoring him on his path to the role that I have.

Obviously, when I found out I was shaken but then one of the people in my office (who didn't know him) realised that he had heard about the accident on the news over the weekend so I stupidly looked up articles on the internet. That led me to find out that investigators believe that he and his guide fell 600m on their way back down from the summit. Now I just can't get that out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, i think about that clever, funny, popular 28 year old, who must have been elated from his climb falling and falling and falling, wondering if he realised what was happening.

I didn't know his family and none of my local colleagues knew him. I knew a lot of the people he worked with in his city so we've been sending each other supportive messages but I just feel so overwhelmed right now.

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 05/06/2023 22:16

I am so sorry OP, that is awful. Will your work be arranging any support for employees? They should.

FloofCloud · 05/06/2023 22:18

So sorry 🥺 it's bizarre when colleagues die. I worked with a lady for 10 years who recently died at 62, no age, she was doing iron man tri's in her early 50's so no age to go when she was seemingly fit and healthy. I keep thinking I can see her, and it triggers sadness again.
I hope you find peace.

Original poster
mangoamango · 05/06/2023 22:19

Thanks for replying.

Yes, there's going to be a company-wide announcement tomorrow and counsellors will be available. I honestly didn't think i would need to talk to them until I read about how it happened. I think that bit is messing with my head than the actual dezth, IYSWIM

OP posts:
Ilovetea42 · 05/06/2023 22:20

Anything sudden like this understandably would throw you. And reading details never really helps in my experience but once it's done you can't undo it. It'll unfortunately just take some time for you to process your very natural feelings around it and to accept this has happened. I agree your work should be offering support to those who worked with him and maybe you could suggest that because I'm sure you're not the only person who's been affected. Perhaps there's something you could do, like make a donation in his name to a charity or something that could be your own sort of tribute to him?

RafaistheKingofClay · 05/06/2023 22:20

Sorry for your loss. Those thoughts pass. Or at least they become less present and only when triggered by something.

Loopyloo159 · 05/06/2023 22:24

How awful OP such a tragedy. I would write to his family telling them what an amazing guy he was and how highly you thought of him .
I cannot imagine the pain his family are going through.X

Divebar2021 · 05/06/2023 22:28

I worked for a guy who committed suicide…I had been on leave and when I came back I found out from an email ( as opposed to hearing at a team meeting). I found that very shocking. He was one of those men who always put his hands in his pocket first at the pub. At the funeral we weren’t allowed to talk about the manner of his death because his in-laws had been told he’d died of a heart attack.

sorry about your colleague OP…. It must be shocking when it’s a younger person.

Original poster
mangoamango · 05/06/2023 22:31

Thanks for all of your messages. I'm going to try and get some sleep and tomorrow I'll look into things I can do in his memory. Our company isn't that big and has a close-knit family vibe so I'm sure there'll be a group tribute organised.

Goodnight all

OP posts:
LittleEsme · 05/06/2023 22:32

I'm so sorry OP. That poor man and his poor family Sad

Take the support offered to you by your workplace and get this off your chest. It won't change what you know or minimise the loss but sharing the burden with someone might help.

Again, Im so sorry x

ginislife · 05/06/2023 22:33

One of my employees passed away in the middle of April and I'm still struggling with it. We knew she was seriously ill but she'd been working normally (at her insistence to stop her thinking about what was happening, she said working stopped her worrying about it) but she went had a catastrophic stroke over a weekend. Such a shock - and she's irreplaceable as she was so good at her job.

Crustsamongus · 05/06/2023 22:40

Oh OP, what a horrible thing to happen, I am so sorry for your loss!

I am definitely not a psychologist or counsellor, but I have had lots of types of therapy, including EMDR, which can be used for treatment of PTSD. Extrapolating from this, I would be inclined to suggest trying to actively engage with something completely unrelated, e.g. doing a sudoku, when you find you are focussing on how your colleague died. It will be difficult, and your mind will keep wandering, but if you can avoid the images/ thoughts becoming too deeply entrenched in your mind that might help you. Just to be clear: I am only suggesting this in relation to what you know about how he died, not in relation to the fact that he died and you're grieving. Please remember him in your way.

Much love

Showersugar · 05/06/2023 22:43

It's so hard losing a colleague you care about. For most colleagues, even close ones, the relationship is usually quasi-personal or at least a balance of personal and professional - but death and grief make it suddenly very, genuinely, properly personal.

I lost a colleague last year and it still takes my breath away when I see her name in my phone.

continentallentil · 05/06/2023 22:56

I am really sorry OP, that’s a shocking thing to happen, given you are (understandably) focused on how he died I think some counselling would be a good idea.

I’d also say that most mountaineers are absolutely passionate about it - they really do know the risks but it’s worth it to them, so he did live his life as an adventure. That may or may not help you but it would comfort me.

Notjustabrunette · 05/06/2023 23:01

I had a friend die suddenly two weeks ago, she was in her early 40s. I was in total shock for the first week.I can really knock you for six when someone dies unexpectedly.

ScarRegrets · 05/06/2023 23:07

Sorry for your loss, OP Sad

I worked with a lovely chap who suddenly died in his sleep at the age of 28. He'd got a little girl who had just turned a year old. Only time can soften such a horrible shock x

cassiatwenty · 05/06/2023 23:09

I'm sorry for your loss OP 💐

Lesina · 05/06/2023 23:13

It’s utterly horrible. Years ago very early in my career in a completely different industry to the one I work in now, I met a colleague who was on such a stratospheric upward path, he was vibrant, engaging, charming and supremely talented. Made a real impression. 3 weeks after I met him he died in a car crash on the M25. Twenty years later I still think of him. He had the potential to be stellar. So very sad.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 05/06/2023 23:20

Where I work big company so lots of people so this is quite a common thing. We all write messages in a book to give to the family and we also do a minutes silence.

Ohdave · 05/06/2023 23:42

Crustsamongus · 05/06/2023 22:40

Oh OP, what a horrible thing to happen, I am so sorry for your loss!

I am definitely not a psychologist or counsellor, but I have had lots of types of therapy, including EMDR, which can be used for treatment of PTSD. Extrapolating from this, I would be inclined to suggest trying to actively engage with something completely unrelated, e.g. doing a sudoku, when you find you are focussing on how your colleague died. It will be difficult, and your mind will keep wandering, but if you can avoid the images/ thoughts becoming too deeply entrenched in your mind that might help you. Just to be clear: I am only suggesting this in relation to what you know about how he died, not in relation to the fact that he died and you're grieving. Please remember him in your way.

Much love

Op doesn’t have ptsd from a colleague dying.

Ohdave · 05/06/2023 23:43

All the best op, very sad for his family and those who loved him. Reach out to your colleagues.

Babyroobs · 05/06/2023 23:46

I have had a situation where a colleague died suddenly ( suicide). he had been dismissed from work some weeks before and we as a workplace did not find out until the funeral had already taken place so had no real closure or chance to grieve or pay respects. They were a much loved colleague. We found it helpful to send some flowers and cards to his mum saying what a good colleague/ friend he had been and did some fundraising in his memory.

RicherThanYews · 05/06/2023 23:51

@Ohdave regardless of that fact, the coping mechanisms taught during EMDR and other therapies can be used in many situations and are not necessarily only for the purpose of dealing with PTSD. It sounds like op is having some trouble with intrusive thoughts and even without a close bond with her late colleague, those intrusive thoughts do have the potential to escalate if left unchecked.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 05/06/2023 23:57

It literally happened this afternoon why are people talking about ptsd, intrusive thoughts and therapy. What op is feeling is a normal reaction to an unexpected death.

RicherThanYews · 06/06/2023 00:22

You can have intrusive thoughts after any shock, it isn't some massive dramatic life long condition in every case. They can stop as easily as they start, take it from someone who knows. The op has said that she keeps thinking about what the poor man's last moments were like, have a heart ffs

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 06/06/2023 00:44

RicherThanYews · 06/06/2023 00:22

You can have intrusive thoughts after any shock, it isn't some massive dramatic life long condition in every case. They can stop as easily as they start, take it from someone who knows. The op has said that she keeps thinking about what the poor man's last moments were like, have a heart ffs

I would think she is, She found out less then 12 hrs ago, most people would be thinking about it