Give the benefit of the doubt or a well known alcoholic trick?

Andante57 · 05/06/2023 21:17

I’d have thought it would be obvious by their behaviour if they were drinking or not.
I’m not sure what you mean by buying non alcoholic drinks as a way of covering up drinking alcohol - do you mean they are trying to mask the smell?

Original poster

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 21:26

Thanks for your reply. Maybe to mask the smell. Unfortunately its not overly obvious when they have been drinking, I guess because they have built up a tolerance

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Bloatstoat · 05/06/2023 21:33

Do you mean non-alcoholic versions of alcoholic drinks (like eg alcohol free beer) or just soft drinks? I don't know about everyone but my dad does AA and they advise not to drink the alcohol free stuff as it's too much like old habits and might encourage starting drinking again so to drink something different like coffee or coke etc.

Bloatstoat · 05/06/2023 21:34

In my experience alcoholics lie a lot though. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

pizzaHeart · 05/06/2023 21:37

In my experience it’s obvious when people are drinking even if they have a tolerance: their speech changes straight away and their face expression as well.

Original poster

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 21:39

Bloatstoat · 05/06/2023 21:33

Do you mean non-alcoholic versions of alcoholic drinks (like eg alcohol free beer) or just soft drinks? I don't know about everyone but my dad does AA and they advise not to drink the alcohol free stuff as it's too much like old habits and might encourage starting drinking again so to drink something different like coffee or coke etc.

Alcoholic versions of alcoholic drinks

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Original poster

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 21:43

pizzaHeart · 05/06/2023 21:37

In my experience it’s obvious when people are drinking even if they have a tolerance: their speech changes straight away and their face expression as well.

I dont live with the family member but the person who does accuses them of using the alcoholic free drinks as an excuse to drink real alcohol

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PTSDBarbiegirl · 05/06/2023 21:47

The smell of real alcohol is umistakeable and it's often not a good idea for a newly sober alcoholic to buy non alcohol drinks. The only one that seems to work is non alco beers. It's still going out but minus alco. There's much more to coming to terms with a drinking problem than just stopping drinking. It's a whole person thing.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/06/2023 21:48

Hmm, it’s possible - alcoholics do lie. A lot. However, it’s also possible they really are trying to give up and won’t be feeling very encouraged if they keep getting accused of ‘cheating’. And might just decide to just do it, if they are being accused of it. None of us know for sure.

Original poster

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 21:52

Yes they do lie, even when theres no need to. I haven't accused them of anything. I learnt a long time ago that it isn't worth nagging them over it. But I am kind of stuck in the middle.

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LawksaMercyMissus · 05/06/2023 22:21

DH died of cirrhosis. At his funeral one of his friends mentioned he only drank orange juice at the pub, then they saw him adding vodka he'd brought with him. They had no idea he was an alcoholic, even after knowing him for twenty years.

ThreeRingCircus · 05/06/2023 22:22

It's an impossible situation OP and having lived through dealing with an alcoholic family member who is no longer here because of his drinking then you can't do right for doing wrong and lots of things you'll just never be able to make sense of.

So in my case, yes he lied constantly. He would say he was drinking diet coke but there'd be vodka in it. Alcohol hidden all over the house in various places we'd have never found....it wasn't until we were clearing the house after he died that we found it.

But, sometimes they really are trying to stay sober and then accusing them of drinking isn't helpful. Even if they are drinking they are defensive and would deny it.

I don't have the answers but I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I've been there and it's absolutely awful for all concerned.

Jellycats4life · 05/06/2023 22:28

I think time will tell whether they’re being truthful or not. I’m guessing there have been incidents and crises in the past leading them to declare they’re now alcohol-free? If they’re still drinking, there will be another crisis.

For my alcoholic family member it was seizures and blackouts. He has alcoholic dementia now. Still drinking, but mainly because his wife/carer is an alcoholic too and needs a drinking buddy.

Original poster

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 22:36

Yes, the alcoholism was getting out of control. Lots of incidents and crises's, yes.
Just don't know what to believe any more. Nobody is on their case except the partner at times. They were on verge of splitting up over drinking. So they claimed to have stopped

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BittenontheBum · 05/06/2023 22:38

I knew an alcoholic in recovery who drank non alcoholic beers. Definitely sober, took antabuse.
It is possible but that person REALLY has to want to be sober.
As a previous problem drinker I know zero alcohol (or drinks that smell or taste like it) is my limit.
If you aren't living with the person I would ask not to be bought into their family dynamics. It doesn't sound good for you.
As much as you obviously care, taking sides (or being asked to) won't help your relationship with either party.
Good luck 💐

WestOfWestminster · 05/06/2023 22:40

If the person living with him thinks they are still drinking, then i'd be inclined to believe them. I think they would have noticed a change if he'd stopped, and can likely smell or at least see in his behaviour that he's still drinking.
It sounds tough, I hope you have some real life support

Original poster

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 22:48

BittenontheBum · 05/06/2023 22:38

I knew an alcoholic in recovery who drank non alcoholic beers. Definitely sober, took antabuse.
It is possible but that person REALLY has to want to be sober.
As a previous problem drinker I know zero alcohol (or drinks that smell or taste like it) is my limit.
If you aren't living with the person I would ask not to be bought into their family dynamics. It doesn't sound good for you.
As much as you obviously care, taking sides (or being asked to) won't help your relationship with either party.
Good luck 💐

Thank you, I am trying to keep at a distance as it was making me ill to be honest and I can see that theres no point getting too involved as you just get lied to and it makes no difference. I just dont want them to slip back into the absolute chaos it was a few months ago

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Original poster

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 22:52

WestOfWestminster · 05/06/2023 22:40

If the person living with him thinks they are still drinking, then i'd be inclined to believe them. I think they would have noticed a change if he'd stopped, and can likely smell or at least see in his behaviour that he's still drinking.
It sounds tough, I hope you have some real life support

I have one telling me they are drinking and the alcoholic telling me they arent. Im trying not to get involved but Im close to them and worried sick and no, not much support

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MissConductUS · 05/06/2023 22:53

There's really no way of knowing what's happening unless you are there. When I quit drinking many years ago, I would not have wanted to touch anything that looked or tasted like real alcoholic beverages. Twenty-nine years later, I've never tried any of them. Alcohol made me ill, and I've no desire to be reminded of that.

But not everyone gets sober the same way. If the person was drinking abusively enough to cause absolute chaos, watch for more chaos. That will be your most reliable indicator that they are still drinking. They will not be able to go from chaos-causing drinking to moderate drinking.

Yourtodayshapesyourtomorrow · 05/06/2023 22:57

MissConductUS · 05/06/2023 22:53

There's really no way of knowing what's happening unless you are there. When I quit drinking many years ago, I would not have wanted to touch anything that looked or tasted like real alcoholic beverages. Twenty-nine years later, I've never tried any of them. Alcohol made me ill, and I've no desire to be reminded of that.

But not everyone gets sober the same way. If the person was drinking abusively enough to cause absolute chaos, watch for more chaos. That will be your most reliable indicator that they are still drinking. They will not be able to go from chaos-causing drinking to moderate drinking.

This last paragraph is highly accurate sadly.

keffie12 · 05/06/2023 23:02

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 21:12

Hi.. hoping for others experience of this
Close family member an alcoholic. Claims they have given up. They were causing partner and family members so much stress and causing issues thru their chaotic lifestyle.
Now they drink non alcoholic drinks, but do they.
Is it a common thing for an alcoholic to say they are no longer drinking but buying non alcoholic drinks to cover up real drinking?
Thank you

I've read through a few of your posts. I suggest you forward this link to your relative who has the alcoholic in her life.

It's Al - Anon. It's for those who have a family member whose drinking has been or is a problem. The drinking affects everyone around. We call it a family illness.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

PatchworkDonkey · 05/06/2023 23:05

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 21:52

Yes they do lie, even when theres no need to. I haven't accused them of anything. I learnt a long time ago that it isn't worth nagging them over it. But I am kind of stuck in the middle.

You're really not. You can choose how to live your life, just as alcoholic and their relative can choose to live theirs. You could choose not to socialise with either of them. Or to socialise with them both on a one to one basis, not together. You could tell relative that you respect their decision to stay living with alcoholic but you don't want to hear about the downsides of their choice. If either of them can't respect your boundaries and choices, you can choose to walk away from the relationship. You don't have to live your life stuck in the middle of their chaotic shitshow.

Original poster

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 05/06/2023 23:14

PatchworkDonkey · 05/06/2023 23:05

You're really not. You can choose how to live your life, just as alcoholic and their relative can choose to live theirs. You could choose not to socialise with either of them. Or to socialise with them both on a one to one basis, not together. You could tell relative that you respect their decision to stay living with alcoholic but you don't want to hear about the downsides of their choice. If either of them can't respect your boundaries and choices, you can choose to walk away from the relationship. You don't have to live your life stuck in the middle of their chaotic shitshow.

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Very true and I stay out of it as much as possible but there are children involved so can't avoid it completely unfortunately

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ThisWormHasTurned · 05/06/2023 23:17

My XH was a functioning alcoholic. He did a long period of sobriety when he wasn’t drinking, he drank these kind of drinks. I knew he want drinking (no behaviour changes, no word slurring, amazing ability to stay awake, never found hidden booze). Distinct difference from when he was drinking. Sadly it didn’t last and as soon as he started drinking again the volume consumed increased rapidly. In some ways, drinking drinks that tasted like booze like fizzy pop meant it was worse when he was drinking again. Many reasons why he’s an ex, this was one of the main issues.
If the person close to your relative thinks they’re drinking, I’d be inclined to believe them, rather than the alcoholic who wants to tell you they are sober.

FloofCloud · 05/06/2023 23:23

Alcohol is do all sorts to vat what they need, my cousin used to inject oranges with vodka, hide many bottles around the house, I'm sure putting in anything that looked innocuous is done all the time. I even heard on some tv programme that some people ingest through their anus too 😯 no idea how (or why) anyone would do this (I think it was something about singers who want to save damaging their vocal cords from harsh alcohol)